Why is the first holiday alone particularly challenging?
The holiday season is a stressful time of year for most people. We over-decorate, over-spend, over-eat, and basically over-do-it in every sense, hoping to create celebrations that are like scenes from a movie on the Hallmark Channel. When you add the death of a loved one to this already hectic time of year, the holidays can become overwhelming.
The anticipation of the holiday or event in many ways is worse than the actual day. We know it’s coming, looming before us, and we begin thinking of all the reasons we miss our loved one, and with each day, the loss seems to grow. Holidays are usually steeped in tradition, and when someone dies, that changes things—even something as simple as where to sit at the table. Do you leave the chair empty? Does someone else sit in that place? Losing a loved one is devastating at any time, but the holiday season amplifies the loss since the time that is usually filled with joy, is now filled with a sense of sadness and sorrow.
What resources are available for those who are grieving during the holidays?
If you are grieving during the holidays, reach out to pastors, clergy, religious leaders, and counselors. You also can find help through local mental health organizations.
A website that I find very helpful for those who are grieving is www.grief.com
This site has resources for those grieving and also for those who want to comfort and help others who are suffering a loss. There are grief groups, counselors and other information for those who are in need.
There comes a time when you need to reach out for professional help—when the sadness and grief has gone on too long and you are irritable, sad, withdrawn and isolated, and not moving forward. Sometimes all you need is a friend to talk to, but when it becomes overwhelming, tell someone and get the professional help you may need.
How can people support friends or family members who have lost a loved one?
The best thing that family and friends can do to help someone who has lost a loved one is to LISTEN. Don’t offer advice, or give suggestions. Just listen. Many times the person simply wants to express his/her thoughts and feelings. They want to speak about their loved one, and share memories, or they may just want to vent and let our their frustrations.
Friends and family should understand that there is no timeline for grief. People grieve at different levels and for different time periods. Be patient, and supportive. Put a card in the mail. Show up with cookies. Meet them for coffee, or simply give them a call or text letting them know they are in your thoughts. When the loss first happens, those who are grieving are surrounded by people. There are casseroles and cakes, flowers and cards, visitations and meals. As time goes on, the number of people around fades, and it is in those months that grieving people need you the most. Don’t hesitate to talk to them and reminisce about their loved one. Remembering old times and stories helps to keep that person alive. You may think that this may stir up emotions and be upsetting, but people want to remember and they want others to remember too.
As daunting as all of the “firsts” without a loved one seem, remember, you will survive the holiday season. It may be difficult, and sad and exhausting, but you will survive and with every day become stronger.
Additional information on Sharon Brown Keith and her book, Mockingbird Moments may be obtained at www.sharonbrownkeith.com
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