For twenty-five years, Jennifer Miller has worked with educators and families to help them become more effective with children through social and emotional learning (SEL). Through her social mission-driven organization, she authored and illustrated the book "Confident Parents, Confident Kids: Raising Emotional Intelligence In Ourselves and Our Kids” growing an international platform through her blog, with more than 23,000 followers in 152 countries world-wide. She serves as a regular expert contributor to NBC’s TODAY Parenting and to PBS WNET. I had a chance to interview her about caring for kids in the wake of school shootings. Although most schools are done for the summer, this information is still relevant as parents and caregivers think about next school year.
How can adults help relieve some of the anxiety kids may be feeling as they think about going to school after hearing about mass shootings?
There are many great resources online about how to talk with kids about school violence. The main thing is just talking authentically with kids about their concerns. As the great Mr. Rogers said, anything that is mentionable becomes more manageable. Letting kids know that their questions and anxieties are perfectly mentionable helps relieve the burden of not knowing and keeping things bottled up.
It’s important as well to ensure that you’ve spent time identifying the caring adults around your child at school in whom you and they can put their trust. Is it your child’s teacher? The school secretary? The nurse? A coach? Talking together about who those people are that are your child’s safe, trusting guides and mentors shows a child they are not on their own but have caring supports with them at school.
In addition, if you have anxiety about your children’s safety in school, they’ll feel that stress in you and it can add to their own worries. How can you work on managing your own stress? Sometimes, lowering your own anxiety can involve your seeking out the school’s plan for keeping children safe to understand what measures they’ve taken. Or maybe you will feel better if you attend a parent teacher association meeting and raise the issue and get involved yourself? Find healthy coping strategies like deep breathing and taking a pause when you discuss difficult issues but then, don’t just leave it at that. Find ways to seek information, ask good questions, and discover ways in which you can contribute to safety in your school community.
Why is it important for adults to help kids process difficult emotions?
Learning to recognize, accept, and benefit from our emotions is part of growing up. It's a skill to be learned just like reading or writing or math. Parents, especially in the early years, are kids' primary teachers. They provide the physical and psychological safety for kids to experience difficult emotions and situations. They can also provide some perspective that kids haven't had the chance to develop. In the end, learning these emotional skills early from parents means that kids are better equipped for learning, friendships, and life.
Particularly when it comes to difficult emotions like pain or fear, we want those feelings to go away - in ourselves and in our children. We may worry that they won’t be tough enough for the world if we allow those feelings to be fully expressed. However, the opposite is true. When we do not allow for difficult feelings - accepting they are normal, empathizing with them and showing compassion for their pain - we teach our children to shove them down. Those feelings then internally accumulate over time and can lead to explosions or destructive behavior to self or others because they have not been managed at the time they needed to be dealt with.
How does SEL help reduce conflict in the school setting?
There are decades of research supporting social and emotional learning (SEL) and its ability to reduce violent or destructive behaviors and teach positive ways children can learn to manage conflict in school settings. Not only does a focus on teaching social and emotional skills reduce conflict and increase cooperative behaviors, but it also prepares children with the skills to navigate differences of opinion or disagreements in ways that are respectful and healthy to the individual and relationship. School-wide SEL establishes a caring and connected school culture based on clear, shared values and behaviors. A common element in school shootings is a student carrying a deep grudge based on bullying and shunning. Positive school cultures through SEL have been shown to significantly reduce such behaviors. Children have the opportunity through an SEL curriculum to discuss bullying and its impacts and learn ways in which to prevent it and also, become an “upstander” taking positive action when bullying is witnessed. Students learn skills like anger management, self discipline, perspective-taking, and conflict resolution–that help reduce conflict in schools.
How can parents, caregivers, and teachers become more aware of mental health warning signs?
Most of the time, just being connected to the kids around them will help adults notice when warning signs appear. In the recent Uvalde shooting, the teen had fought with his parents and moved in with his grandparents. That was a red flag. He had also skipped many days of school. Another red flag. Warning signs for different kids will be different. Normally quiet kids may start acting out. Rambunctious kids may withdraw. Enthusiastic students may start slumping. If each child and teen has one caring adult looking out for them and offering support then those red flags do not go unnoticed. In SEL classrooms, teachers begin each day with a morning meeting or a check-in ritual–time at the start of class that goes well beyond checking attendance. It’s a time for checking in on children’s emotions and issues that matter most to them. Parents and caregivers can create their own ritual check-ins that work best with their family schedule whether its before work/school in the morning, at dinnertime or at bedtime, all family members can check in with one another, become intentional about sharing feeling words (it’s important adults model this!), and discussing what’s really going on in their lives and hearts. Teaching kids basic check-in tools like green / yellow / red stoplight colors or one-to-five fingers gives them easy ways to reflect on how they're doing and start a conversation about what's on their minds or hearts.
For more on how parents can create a check in ritual at home, check out Daily Feelings Temperature Checks.
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