It's hard to avoid, but just about everywhere we go we are
bombarded with gossip and rumors. On magazine covers, we can’t help but see
celebrity break-ups, hook-ups and arrests. On electronic media, we witness rumors
and lies about anyone famous including our elected officials. From people we
know, we hear the latest personal information about friends, family and even
acquaintances. And of course, most of us are guilty of indulging in sharing
gossip, too.
Sometimes, it just feels good to dish with a friend, and sometimes
we feel justified by a real concern about, or frustration with, someone's
behavior. But when chatter turns to divulging private information about someone
else, the talk can be destructive. Gossip and rumors can be devastating to the
person the rumors are about, the community and even to the person gossiping.
With all of the rumors and gossip swirling around us, how do we
help children avoid participating in this behavior especially when we might be
guilty of gossiping ourselves? Here are several tips:
1) Remind children that talking about
other people’s private business can cause hurt feelings. When the rumors reach
the person who the rumors are about (and they usually do), that person will most
likely be very upset. This could end their friendship. Talk with children about
how it might feel to have friends talking about their personal information. It
can be helpful for children to understand how it would feel if this were to
happen to them. Doing this can build empathy. By gossiping, children open
themselves up to repercussions such as rumors being spread about them. The
person who was gossiped about is often so angry and hurt that they start
talking about the people who hurt them. The cycle continues, and more people
are hurt and angry.
2) Brainstorm some good techniques to
use when gossip is being shared. Come up with some direct approaches and some
softer techniques. An example of a direct response is to let the person talking
know that what they are saying will probably hurt the person the rumors are
about and you would like to talk about something else. Other techniques include
changing the subject or walking away from the chatter.
3) Explain that sometimes people gossip
because they are angry or upset. Talk about what to do in this circumstance,
such as talking directly to that friend instead of talking about him or her. If
your child does not feel comfortable talking directly, suggest role playing a
conversation they might have. Even if your child ultimately decides not to talk
to the friend about the issue, it is important that children vent their feelings
and not hold them in.
4) Discuss safe people to confide in if your
child is upset. Suggest if your child wants to talk to you about anything,
including other people, he or she is always welcome to talk confidentially to
you, their parent or guardian. (And do keep the information confidential, as
you promised.) Decide which other adults might be good choices to talk to: a
trusted family member, a favorite teacher, or a specific member of the clergy
are a few examples.
5) Speak up when you hear children
talking about others. Sometimes it’s fine to be a “fly on the wall” and to
listen and not engage with kids and their friends. But when kids know adults
can hear them, and the adults don’t do anything when kids say something
inappropriate, kids think what they said is ok.
6) Model good behavior by not talking
about other people’s private business, especially in front of children. Even
when it appears that children are not paying attention to what we say, they see
and hear more than we think. If you make the mistake of gossiping, take
responsibility for it. Let your child know you made a mistake and your goal is
to not gossip.
By utilizing these tips, you can give your children a better
awareness of the negative effects of gossip, and some
techniques to avoid it.
Janice Brown is the
Santa Barbara, CA-based author of
Rumorang. Visit her online at www.rumorangbook.com.
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