Book Nook: Being the Grownup - Love, Limits, and the Natural Authority of Parenthood

I recently had a a chance to review a book that focuses on a back-to-basics approach to parenting. Clinical psychologist and mother of four sons and five grandchildren Adelia Moore explores the parent-child relationship, authority, and balance between being responsible and allowing independence.

Overall, I liked this book. As with any parenting book there are things that I thought were spot-on and others that didn't quite work for our household, but it was a no-nonsense way to think about authority and what role it plays in parenting. I like that the book didn't come from a super strict approach, and also that it justified when parents need to step in and exert authority, and when it's ok to allow structured independence.

I had a chance to interview the author to learn more.

Why did you decide to write this book?

As I explain in my introduction, I began it because parents I worked with clinically were having difficulty being effective in getting their kids to do things, with problems ranging from the most mundane to more significant ones. They came from all walks of life, so I started to think about what they had in common, and for different reasons, they lacked confidence in their authority. This lack of confidence, as well as inconsistency in using strategies, meant that they were easily discouraged with parenting books. The more I thought about the advice I was giving and the problems we worked on together, the more I realized that there were multiple aspects to authority that warranted exploring. 

As I wrote and researched, and began to think harder about what I observed in the world around me, the more I realized that there had been a cultural shift in parenting in the last generation. Most of my peers agree - whether fellow grandparents or fellow clinicians. So I realized I wanted to help parents realize both that their authority was natural - that is, it flowed from the very fact of being a parent, and that it was communicated in and through their relationship with their child - in their connection, in their communication, in the organization of their household, in the tone of their voice, in their partnership with the other parent, and so on. I saw it as a matter of parenthood itself, not the techniques of parenting. 

What sets it apart from other books about parenting and discipline?

And that’s what sets it apart: it is about parenthood - one reader called it a philosophy of parenting; another called it a grammar of parenting. I think of it as coming at the everyday interactions that make up family life and the parent-child relationship from all angles: As I show in the last chapter, which I called "Wet Towels," I use the very trivial seeming reality of a towel on the bathroom floor to show how any moment can be understood in many different ways. While it is a guide more than a how to, there are definitely plenty of ideas of what is important and why, and how such ideas are acted out. For instance, every child is different. We know that - and one chapter explores the psychology of temperament and other “givens” like birth order. There is an old saw that parents should be a united front: Is that true? I show why in a chapter called The Web of Authority. 

How can parents find a good balance between maintaining the natural authority of adults and helping their kids advocate for themselves with adults?

Well, I am not sure I would pose this as an ideal, but I think what this question addresses is key to my understanding of parenthood - i.e. that both of you are people with different perspectives and experiences. If a child is loved and recognized as a person, and if they feel a parent knows values, and responds to their needs (not their every want), they will grow up feeling secure and confident. 

Adelia Moore is a clinical psychologist in NYC specializing in therapy with couples, parents, families, and young adults. Moore received her BA in English from Harvard, a MS in Child Development from the University of Pittsburgh, and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Cincinnati. Moore's essays have appeared in the Christian Science Monitor and Huffington Post. She has four sons and five grandchildren, and lives in Manhattan and Upstate New York with her husband. She is on FB, Twitter, Instagram, and adeliamoore.com.