Parenting Pointers: Brain-Friendly Advice for Parenting, Work, and Self Care

Today’s work/stress balance is not working for many people as a reported 80% of American workers are stressed to the point of exhaustion, add in family responsibilities and there is a spiral impact for the entire family. National State of Motherhood study not only validates hypotheses about working motherhood it also arms today’s mothers with data to advocate for change: “This data is a reckoning for employers who must internalize and recognize that it is no longer a nice to have to support working mothers, but rather a business imperative — working mothers are essential to our country’s economic future and competitiveness.”

 Friederike Fabritius is one of the world’s leading neuroscientists, and  also a mother of 5 children all under the age of 9. She has worked extensively with C-level executives from more than 164 countries in creating positive, brain-friendly ways of working that encourage and promote healthy work/life balance routines.

I had a chance to interview her to get some great advice for parents.

What are neuro signatures and how do they impact the way we are motivated?
We each have our own individual combination of four brain systems: the dopamine system, the serotonin system, the estrogen system, and the testosterone system. The way that this combination presents itself, the systems which have more or less activity patterns, determines our unique neurosignature! This impacts everything from our different preferences in the way we work, in the way we think and the way we feel. And this, of course, also impacts how we are motivated. 

If, for example, you have a high dopamine neurosignature, you're going to be motivated by change, by novelty, by something new going on. You will seek adventure! In contrast, if you have a high serotonin neurosignature, you're going to be motivated more by consistency and routine and cherishing traditions. The power, money, and status which motivate people with a high testosterone neurosignature are not going to work for those with a high estrogen neurosignature – these people are more driven by the want to nurture people and connect with others on a deeper level. 

How can we learn to work with our unique brains to be more productive and effective? 

Most self-help literature is telling us to become someone we are not. To become more productive, to change the way you work, when in reality it's already inside of us. So rather than working against our neurosignature, I suggest that we learn to work in line with our neurosignature. The first step is self-insight - understanding who you are, what motivates you, what are your strengths, and what are your weaknesses. Then, try to understand where you are in that spectrum of dopamine, serotonin, estrogen, and testosterone. This can be a bit difficult at first, so I’ve really tried to break it down in my book The Brain-Friendly Workplace to help people see where they land.

The second step is to use that insight to try to find a place and a lifestyle that fits you, rather than trying to change who you are and how you behave. One thing that is also influenced by our neurosignatures is our optimal stress point, and people with high dopamine or high testosterone neurosignatures have higher optimal stress points than others. They need to put themselves into a more fast-paced environment than those who have more of an estrogen or serotonin neurosignature. When we look at it this way, it’s obvious that different people will need vastly different environments to thrive. Once we realize how we are and adapt our working style to fit with it, we can become truly productive and effective.

How can parents find balance between work, kids, and self care?

By putting yourself first! It is simultaneously one of the most difficult, and most important, things we can do as parents. It should be mom first or dad first, because nobody can take care of others well when they're pouring from an empty cup. We need to move away from this new concept of what I call monoparenting and back to what we as humans have done for millennia which is alloparenting.

As humans, we all used to live in small communities where people shared childcare responsibilities – this is allo-parenting! So often today what we see is mom, alone with the kids, having to handle everything. Living in hunter-gatherer societies makes up 99% of our history, so this shift to mono-parenting is very new when it comes to how our brains are wired. People used to have a large network of family and friends and cousins and siblings and grandparents who could help with childcare, and people were able to integrate work and life rather seamlessly. Did you know that we as people used to only work 15 hours per week??  That was because we were able to combine work and life! Realistically, we should find a modern way back to alloparenting, and find a way to re-integrate work and life. We need to understand that it's not about one person doing everything, but it's really only possible to thrive with both kids and work if you have others who help you!

Of course, if you have no help available whatsoever, that's a very hard concept to digest – I get that. What I would suggest in this case is to make it a priority to schedule time for self-care. This isn’t “mum being selfish” – it’s necessary. Make sure you are well because it’s only when you are well that you are able to respond to the needs of others! Stress and our capacity for empathy are directly linked. Research has shown that when people's stress levels go up so do their cortisol levels, and when cortisol levels go up the production of oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) is suppressed! So, when you are stressed, when you are trying to do everything for everyone else and not taking time for yourself, your capacity for others is actually diminished. The easiest way to make sure that you take care of others is by reducing your personal stress levels.

What do parents need to know about empowering the kids to work in ways that are best for their own unique traits?

Very often parents think that their kids should be like them, when in reality everyone is different. It can be hard to reflect on that as a parent sometimes, that different neurosignatures and personality traits can make it so that your kid is very different from yourself. Having a basic understanding of neurosignatures and allowing (and encouraging) your kid to develop in line with their own unique strengths is the best way to go!

If your child has a high dopamine neurosignature, allow them to be adventurous! Allow them to follow many interests, to change their minds, and to try novel things. If your kid has a high serotonin neurosignature, ensure that you create a calm, ordered, and organized environment for them, and respect that your kid might cherish traditions or have a lot of interest in rituals or systems. In practice that may look like making sure that for this child you consider having the same kind of event on their birthday every year, while for a high dopamine kid, you may want to try to do something different year to year.

If your kid has a high estrogen neurosignature, you will want to create a very warm, nurturing environment. You will also allow your child to possibly have pets, and really allow them to go into a direction where they can share their high capacity for empathy. You’ll want to be aware that your child may also be more sensitive if they have a high estrogen neurosignature so it's important to not expect them to be cutthroat and tough – and humanity needs these kinds of people! A child with a high testosterone neurosignature may have interest in technology, so you can foster that by encouraging them to be innovative, and they also may be a bit more tough-minded than some of the other kids. They will be the type to “tell it to your face”, so maybe you can allow them to express themselves in that direction. So rather than expecting your kids to be like you, allow them to develop their personality in line with their neurosignature – that is the number one most important thing!

Copyright ©2022 Friederike Fabritius

Friederike Fabritius, MS, is a neuroscientist and trailblazer in the field of neuro-leadership. Her brain-based leadership programs have transformed how Fortune 500 executives think, innovate, and navigate change. Fabritius is a thought leader and keynote speaker, known for engaging global audiences at organizations like Google, Ernst & Young (EY), Boston Consulting Group (BCG), Adecco, Accenture, Deloitte, BMW, Bayer, SAP, Harvard Business Review, trivago, and Audi. An alumna of McKinsey & Company and the Max Planck Institute for Brain Research, she serves on the prestigious German Academy of Science and Engineering. Fabritius is author of the award-winning book, The Leading Brain: Neuroscience Hacks to Work Smarter, Better, Happier. 

Ever since she can remember, Friederike has been curious about the way the brain works and why people behave the way they do. That’s why she chose to become a neuroscientist. But when she left the laboratory to take a job in management consulting, she was surprised to see the way that people in the business world were working. It wasn’t in line with what she knew from neuroscience about how the brain works best. Not even close. 

That experience led her on a journey through neuroscience literature in pursuit of answers to some pressing questions. How can we work better? What are the principles that lead to better learning, improved collaboration, and the highest performance? And how can we make them applicable for busy executives? Ever since then, Friederike has worked with C-level executives from more than 164 countries in creating brain-friendly ways of working. It also led her to write her award-winning book The Leading Brain, which was published by Random House and has been translated internationally. Friederike is fluent in six languages and lives with her husband and five children in Heidelberg, Germany. Her new book, The Brain-Friendly Workplace: Why Talented People Quit and How to Get Them to Stay (Rowman & Littlefield; October 11, 2022), is a smart, science-based approach to retaining your talent and making the world of work a better place.