Small, everyday parenting habits could be quietly shaping relationships with teenagers, and not always in the way parents intend. According to Trevor Elliot MBE, a fostering expert and founder of Kennedy Elliott, even well-meaning behaviours can sometimes create emotional distance rather than connection.
Drawing on his experience working closely with young people in the care system, Trevor has seen firsthand how these patterns can play out, and importantly, how they can be prevented.
While most parents are doing their best under pressure, subtle shifts in approach can make all the difference when it comes to maintaining strong, open relationships with teens.
What are some common things parents and guardians do that inadvertently push teens away from a closer relationship?
One of the most common challenges, Trevor explains, is placing too much emphasis on control rather than connection. While boundaries remain important, teenagers also need to feel understood and respected as individuals.
“Focusing more on control than connection can create distance,” he says. “As teens grow, they need understanding as much as they need rules.”
Communication is another key factor. When young people feel their thoughts or emotions are dismissed, or when interactions are overly critical, they may begin to withdraw.
“Not properly listening, dismissing their feelings, or being overly critical can make them shut down,” Trevor adds. “Over time, they stop opening up altogether.”
What are some signs that are often missed that indicate breakdowns in the relationship?
Relationship breakdowns aren’t always obvious. In fact, Trevor notes that they’re often subtle and easy to misinterpret.
“Breakdowns are often quiet,” he explains. “When conversations become purely functional, when a young person stops sharing things, even small things, or starts withdrawing more, these are key signs.”
These quieter shifts - less communication, more time spent alone, and reduced openness can signal that the relationship needs attention. Trevor adds “It’s often mistaken as ‘typical teenage behaviour’, but it’s actually disconnection.”
How can caregivers set the stage for strong teen relationships when their kids are still young?
According to Trevor, strong teenage relationships are built long before adolescence begins.
“It starts with creating a safe, consistent environment where children feel heard and respected,” he explains.
“Modelling good communication is key. This means balancing clear boundaries with emotional safety, and making space for children to express themselves openly. If a child feels valued and listened to early on, they’re far more likely to maintain that connection as they grow older.” Trevor says.
Simple, consistent actions, like actively listening, validating feelings, and spending quality time together, can lay the groundwork for lasting trust.
What are some things that adults can do if they’re starting a new relationship with a teen through adoption or fostering?
For those building relationships with teens through fostering or adoption, patience and consistency are essential.
“Go slowly and focus on building trust first,” Trevor advises. “Consistency is key - showing up, keeping promises, and being predictable.”
He also highlights the importance of understanding the wider context behind a young person’s behaviour. Resistance or pushback is often rooted in past experiences, rather than the present relationship.
“It’s important not to take that personally,” Trevor says. “It’s often linked to what they’ve been through, not who you are.”
By remaining steady and reliable, caregivers can create a sense of safety over time - allowing trust and connection to develop naturally.
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