Consumer Critique: Breeding in Captivity

I recently had a chance to read Breeding in Captivity, a novel about a woman who gets married and then gets divorced while she is pregnant with a young son. This was one of those books I liked and hated at the same time. The husband is such a jerk right from the start that I found myself wanting to shake the main character to her senses. But it really does show how even smart people can get sucked into bad relationships. I didn't know what to expect when reading the book - since it starts with her getting served the divorce papers at a friends' swanky baby shower, I think I expected more from that point on, and less background about her and her husband. However, I think that the way the book was written was more eye-opening as far as what can happen in relationships.

I had a chance to interview the author, Jessica Caris (who herself was divorced while pregnant and with a toddler) about the book, and tips for mothers who find themselves in similar situations.

1) The book is fiction, but how much of it is based upon actual events you experienced?

The book is entirely fictional. Thankfully Naomi’s divorce was much more awful than my own! Like Naomi, I gave birth alone which was very difficult. One particularly nosy nurse asked me “What happened?” when I told her I was birthing sans mate, mid-contraction. I quickly asked the doctor to give me a new nurse and tried to reflect upon the specialness of my daughter and I meeting each other for the first time without anyone else involved. That helped me look at it more positively.

 

One other theme I pulled from my own life and wrote into Naomi’s character was my financial dependence on my husband and how that bit me in the rear. That was my choice and I completely lost touch with how expensive the lifestyle I had grown accustomed to really cost.

 

The “breadwinner fantasy” is one which pervades every socioeconomic demographic…it is a luxury to stay at home with the kids, whether it’s in a doublewide or a mansion! I was blind-sided when I had to downsize and also re-enter the workforce. However each achievement was that much sweeter and I realized how dependent on someone else I had become, one of the reasons my own marriage failed. I pitched my first client for my PR consultancy eight months pregnant. I felt such a sense of pride driving home from that meeting and knowing I had taken the first step to being financially independent again. It was also pretty cool that a company was willing to hire someone who looked as if they were about to give birth right there on the conference room table!

 

In my book, I also tried to capture how judgmental society can be. I shared my situation with another mother and her response was to tell me how awful for the child, that somehow the residual emotions would likely cause her to be born with stress. I would love to find her now and show her my daughter whose sunshine and exuberance seems to burst from within her. It’s important to take sentiments like that and simply feel sorry for them that the lens with which they view the world is so incredibly narrow.

2) Can you provide some tips for people who are going through a divorce with small children?

Everyone’s custodial needs and goals are different, but young children, sub-five years, tend to benefit from having more frequent, short visits with the non-custodial parent, versus the every-other-week scenario common with older children and teens. I would also like to point out a silver lining. Going through this while they are young, or not even born yet, reduces the emotional impact of the divorce, than the one an older child might experience. My son and daughter know nothing other than two homes. I did seek out new circles of friends - divorced single moms, married moms, and single women. The divorcees gave me great co-parenting tips and since many of them were happily moved on, it provided me with hope that my emotional wounds would heal and I’d laugh again. The married moms reminded me that traditional families struggle too and being part of a couple has its own challenges. My single friends took me out for fun allowing me to reconnect with myself as a person. 

Another tip I’d like to offer is to HONOR YOURSELF. Raising young children is exhausting and stressful. Going through a divorce is exhausting and stressful. Having the two intersect is a recipe for a nervous breakdown. I was able to avoid that by daily exercise for stress management. I also ordered a pair of shoes I had been coveting online and had them sent from my kids to me on Mother’s Day. Splurge on yourself once and a while.

3) What has been the most surprising thing about being a single parent?

The biggest surprise of being a single parent is that it is so incredibly joyful. It’s not always perfect, but there are so many aspects I appreciate. We’ve got our special rituals like going to Dog Beach on Sunday nights, near our hometown of Del Mar and throwing rocks to the island to incentivize our overweight dog to swim. When we get home, we make homemade pizza and then have a movie night. There is no greater high than being sandwiched between two toddlers under a blanket with a giant bowl of popcorn…even if the movie is Bob the Builder. Once I put my children down at night, if I want to watch Bridesmaids with a pint of ice cream in my lap, a seaweed mask on, and forgo shaving my legs (for the fourth consecutive night) I can!

 

I am ashamed to admit before I became a single mother, I viewed single moms with sadness. The other evening I took my children to a dinner at our church and we were seated with a traditional family. The couple was clearly in an argument and hissing to each other in whispers about who forgot to take out the garbage for Trash Night. It was one of those fights over something so mundane that was about to go nuclear. I felt a sense of peacefulness that I would drive home to a conflict free home, and one which I’ve decorated entirely in white, Shabby Chic-style, which no straight male would allow. When I read comments asserting single parent or alternative households are not “real families,” I have to laugh. Not only are we families, but whole, strong and functional ones. The smiles on my children’s faces remind me of it.

Disclosure: I received a complimentary e-version of the book to facilitate this review.