Parenting Pointers: Gratitude Year-Round

Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks. On Thanksgiving, many parents teach their children the importance of acknowledging such thankfulness, encouraging them to speak up on what they are thankful for. But not everyone agrees with this tradition, including Mary O’Donohue, who feels gratitude should be encouraged throughout the entire year and not just on Thanksgiving. She has some really good tips on making the most out of your Thanksgiving for you, your children, and your family guests.

Don’t: Have each guest at the table say what they’re thankful for while the food sits in front of them getting cold! Take a moment to pray together as a family, or have one person say a few words of gratitude, and then invite everyone to start enjoying the delicious feast while it’s still hot.
Do: Purchase a small poster board (14”x22”) so your kids can create a “Thanksgiving Gratitude Board” and display it where everyone can see. Put out colorful markers and ask each guest to write down what they’re grateful for. (Make sure they sign and date their comments.) Bring it out every year. Or buy an inexpensive journal and make it your family’s Gratitude Book. Have guests add to it every Thanksgiving for a beautiful record of your family’s gratitude.

Don’t: Prompt your children to say thank you whether they mean it or not - even at Thanksgiving. Especially at Thanksgiving!
Do: Help your kids make the connection between being grateful and saying thank you by focusing on the importance of making a “match” between what they’re feeling and how to express it. Let them know that each part is important – both the feeling and the words, and one without the other simply isn’t as powerful.

Don’t:  Talk about politics, religion, or Aunt Bertha’s gallbladder surgery at the dinner table this year.
Do: Start a new tradition. Create a “Gratitude Circle” where everyone at the table says something positive about the person sitting to their left. For example, “I’m thankful for Aunt Katie because of her cheerful personality. She always has a way of lifting me up when I’m down.” This way of expressing gratitude can be especially powerful for children, who might not always notice the intangible gifts they receive from their family – gifts like compassion, humor, companionship, and love.

Don’t: Let Thanksgiving be the only day of the year your family focuses on gratitude.
Do: Practice gratitude every day with your family. Put up a dry erase board in a hallway in your home and encourage everyone to write down what they’re grateful for every night before bed. Or display a decorative box in your kitchen and label it a “Thanks for No-thing Box.” Fill it with small pieces of paper and a few pens, so everyone in the family can write mini thank you notes for those intangible things you give each other on a daily basis. Once a week at dinner open the box and read the notes out loud. This will help ensure that the blessings of Thanksgiving will stay with your family throughout the year

I was able to ask her a few additional questions about gratitude as well.

1) What is the problem with the focus on going around the table and saying thank you on Thanksgiving?
In my experience, with a large group of people around the table, the food gets cold! And that feels a bit disrespectful to the cook who has spent all day creating a beautiful feast. I think you can express gratitude and show respect to your host or hostess by integrating the individual expressions of gratitude within the meal.

2) How can parents get kids to focus on the intangible things they're thankful for?
By giving kids intangibles instead of material items as often as possible!  Spending time together as a family playing games, watching movies, participating in sports - just having fun together - gives kids an understanding about the value of the intangible gifts they receive every day from family and friends.

3) What was the inspiration behind writing the book?
I caught my then 5 year old daughter trying to shoplift a candy bar! It was a wake up call for me as a mom. I realized my husband and I needed to do a better job of teaching our children values so I created a system of focusing on one value each month over the course of the year. Within the first year I could tell it was making a significant difference in my own family and I was inspired to share it.

4) What was the most surprising thing you found while working on the book?
Twelve families each focused on one value in the book while I was writing it, so every exercise was "road tested" by a family other than mine. I think the feedback from the other families was the best surprise. I believed that what worked for my family would work for others but I was extremely gratified to hear the positive impact the parents reported as they did the exercises with their kids.

5) What can parents do to instill gratitude in older children who may already have ingrained habits of taking things for granted?
One of the most effective ways to instill gratitude in any child - especially a teenager - is for parents to show gratitude to their children.

Mary O'Donohue is the author of When You Say "Thank You," Mean It: And 11 Other Lessons for Instilling Lifelong Values In Your Children. She also developed a unique month-by-month program that she and her husband use to successfully educate their children about the twelve values her family holds most dear. The book creatively engages the entire family using weekly exercises, thought-provoking Questions of the Day, challenging role-playing games, and other fun and family-friendly activities. Mary also plans to donate at least 10 percent of her author’s net profits to charities benefiting families and education.