I had the chance to interview Brad Snyder, President of New Amsterdam Consulting. Trained in research methods and developmental psychology, Brad has participated in a variety of projects, including conducting focus groups with youth inside juvenile prisons.
He recently wrote a book, The 5 Simple Truths of Raising Kids: How to Deal with Modern Problems Facing Your Tweens and Teens, published by Demos Health, and I had a chance to interview him about bullying. It's in-depth, but definitely worth the read.
I. What is the difference between bullying and peer conflicts?
There are three hallmarks of bullying that separate it from other conflicts:
1. Imbalance of power - Bullies are larger, stronger, more technologically savvy, etc., than their victims. In peer conflicts, the parties are equal.
2. Repetition - An act is not
“bullying” until it is repeated. Peers have conflicts, they tend to
resolve or the parties separate. In peer conflicts, hurtful acts are
not deliberately and systemically repeated.
3. Intent to harm or change the victim against the victim’s will - Success
for the bully is making the victim do or behave in a way that he or she
otherwise would not, such as surrender lunch money, avoid recess, etc.
The bully does not sympathize with the plight of the victim. Rather,
bullies tend to believe that the victim deserves the treatment. In peer
conflicts, the parties can be led to understand the other’s
perspective, they can sympathize for one another, and they can feel
remorse for their actions.
II. Why don't typical strategies like harsh punishments or mediation work?
Bullies
are good at picking victims that are disconnected from their peers and
adults, and they are good at picking venues that are away for our
watchful eyes. As a result, most successful strategies involve engaging
bystanders – peers that are neither bullies nor victims – to intervene
on behalf of victims and to inform adults when bullying is occurring.
Harsh
punishments fail because bystanders feel that the consequences are too
great, and so they stop reporting bullying. Kids are willing to report
bullying and get another kid in trouble, but they are not willing to get
another kid kicked out of school.
Furthermore,
as people who care about kids, we need to keep bullies in school where
we can provide resources to help them. Overall, the long-term prognosis
for bullies is much worse than it is for victims. Statistically,
bullies are much more like than victims to struggle academically, to
abuse substances, to engage in criminal behaviors and to fail in
relationships.
Mediation
does not work because mediation moves two parties from opposing sides
to a position of understanding by creating understanding and concession.
A victim has nothing to concede, nothing to give up. The victim did
nothing to deserve being bullied. Because of this, mediation has the
potential to traumatize victims.
III. If those don't work, what does?
What works is creating communities that do not allow bullying. Such communities have the following characteristics:
1. They set and enforce the expectation that all community members, children and adults alike, intervene when bullying occurs
2. They model healthy relationships
3. They respect, recognize and reward different abilities and aptitudes
4.
They establish procedures for reacting to bullying incidents that
include notifying authorities and informing the parents and caregivers
of the bully, the victim and the bystanders
Believe
it or not, setting the explicit expectation that bullying is not
tolerated and coupling that with written, clear and
effectively-communicated instructions for what to do when bullying
occurs reduces bullying dramatically.
IV. If your kid has been a victim of bullying, what are some smart strategies?
As
I mention in the chapter on bullying in my book, the first thing that a
parent needs to communicate is that being bullied is not the victim’s
fault. This is incredibly important. Nothing justifies bullying. Bullying is not about the victim. It is about something that is
happening within the bully. The victim has done nothing to deserve the
bullying, even though the bully may want to make the victim think he or
she has. Tragedies occur when victims believe that they did something
to justify the bullying.
The second thing that a parent should communicate to a victim is that it is NOT HIS OR HER FAULT.
Thirdly,
the parent may want to ask the child what he or she thinks should be
done. Often children have great ideas. Often they know what the
procedures for responding to bullying are at their schools. Often they
need the help of adults to get the courage to actually do what they know
to be right. I go into greater detail in my book, but parents can help
their kids by roleplaying scenarios they might encounter, not just with
the bully, but with teachers and other adults.
V. How can kids help other victims?
Bystanders
are key to stopping and eventually preventing bullying. Parents should
help their kids learn and understand what is expected of them when they
see other kids being bullied. he first response should always be to
find and adult, but kids need to know that. Again, roleplaying can be
very helpful.
VI. On the flip side, what should parents do if they think their child might be the bully?
The
parent of a suspected bully can begin by asking the child frank
questions about the behaviors that concern the parent. The parent
should explore with the child how he or she interacts with friends, and
the parent should explain what it means to be in a relationship with
another person.
The desire for social interaction seems innate in
humans, but the ability to do so most definitely is not. Kids need to
be taught how to make and maintain relationships. The parent can help a
child understand what that child can bring to a friendship. The parent
should model social interactions and allow the child to rehearse how
she would go about making friends. Again: Roleplay.
If such kids find friends and become members of healthy peer groups, then they are likely to cease the troubling behaviors.
Parents
should know that they are not alone. Many parents struggle with this
issue. Parents should not be afraid to ask for help from the school.
Parents also should make sure that their child's school environment is
one that recognizes and rewards their child's strengths while working to
improve weakness. Finally, the parent should seek the help of mental
health professionals.
About Demos Health: In September, 2007, Demos Medical Publishing launched the imprint Demos Health, to further the company's mission of bridging the gap between consumers and the health care community, and to provide the most up-to-date information on a wide range of health-related topics. Demos Health aims to provide the highest quality books on the consumer health market.
Disclosure: I received an e-book version of Brad's book as a thank-you for this post.
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