Parenting Points: Discussing Conflict with Kids

Disclosure: I received a complimentary book as a thank-you for this post. All opinions are mine.

Kids hear about conflicts all the time—on the radio, at the dinner table, at school—but they may not know how to ask the right questions to understand what is happening in the world around them. By comparing bigger conflicts to the ones in their own lives, kids learn to look beyond the headlines and view conflicts in a critical and investigative manner.

In Why Do We Fight? author Niki Walker skillfully discusses this complex subject in a clear, accessible way, shedding light on questions that adults might struggle to answer. She empowers children to ask difficult questions, sensitively avoids divisive references to particular global events or groups, and argues that we can and must find ways to resolve conflict without resorting to violence. It touches on a variety of major conflicts around the world, and is written with kid-friendly language and simple (yet not childish) illustrations.

I had a chance to interview her about the book, and about discussing conflict with kids.

1) Why did you decide to write this book?

There were several reasons. First, there is absolutely nothing out there for kids that covers this topic in this way. Conflict books tend to either tell kids how to handle their own disagreements or provide kids with the straight, historical facts about specific conflicts. My editor, John, and I wanted to do something completely different. Second, global conflicts are on everyone’s minds in part because of the hyper-connected world we live in. I think it can be scary for kids to hear and see bits of conflict coverage, especially if they don’t understand the information they are receiving. Giving kids the tools to be able understand conflicts, I hope, will make them feel a bit more empowered.

2) Why do parents find it so difficult to talk about conflicts with their kids?

I can’t speak for other parents, but one thing my husband and I joke about is how a simple three-letter word—why?—can be so complicated. Conflicts are not an easy thing for adults to figure out for ourselves—never mind trying to explain them in terms kids will understand and relate to. And sometimes we just simply don’t have the answers—especially when the “why’s” move into philosophical territory, which they often do with conflicts. Admitting you don’t have all the answers isn’t always an easy thing.

3) How is it helpful for kids to compare small-scale conflicts with larger-scale ones?

I think it helps kids understand the large-scales issues and dynamics a bit better because they can recognize the parallels with their own experiences. I think everyone finds it easier to understand an unfamiliar concept when it’s described in terms they can relate to. That’s why, as much as possible, I tried to relate the issues and dynamics involved in large-scale conflicts to things in kids’ everyday lives, like talking about international relations in terms of a TV high school.

4) Do you have tips for parents of younger kids who may be too young for a book like this, but are starting to be aware of conflicts and "bad news" of the world?

My son, Jack, is six, so I’m in the thick of answering questions about “bad news” for a younger audience. Let me stress, I’m not an expert, but based on my own experience, I would say:

• Don’t be afraid to take a news break. Jack once asked us to stop listening to the radio in the morning because it was “always bad news.” We’re usually so busy moving around that we hadn’t paid much attention to it, but he was right—the program we listen to has news breaks that often mention local crimes and accidents and fires—and those were getting to him. So we took a break for a while.
• Decide for yourself what your kid can handle. When Newtown happened, we maintained a total news blackout whenever Jack was around because we didn’t see how he could hear about it without his view of the world being devastated. But our decision was based on Jack, and every kid is different.
• Don’t be afraid to admit you don’t know how to answer a question. My husband and I use those moments as a chance to show Jack that we’re always learning, too. So we’ll grab a book from the library or look for an article or video online that could help answer the question for all of us.
• Think about where the questions are coming from, and why. Jack’s still at an age where he’s very concerned that what he sees and hears on the news can happen outside our door—whether it’s a tornado or a riot. So when it comes to conflicts, we try to explain the “why’s” or the root causes to him, to help him understand that they don’t just happen out of the blue or because people are simply bad or scary. We encourage him to ask as many questions as he needs to feel reassured.