An Excerpt from Misadventures of a Parenting Yogi
The
twentieth-century philosopher Fred Rogers said, “My hunch is that if we allow
ourselves to give who we really are to the children in our care, we will in
some way inspire cartwheels in their hearts.” Then he put on his sweater and
changed into sneakers.
Maybe I
can come clean to Noah and the world that this parenting thing is pretty darn
challenging. That I have no idea what to do quite a bit of the time.
Another
modern philosopher, Louis Szekely, albeit from a different school of philosophy
than Mr. Rogers, has his own take on this: “It’s hard having kids because it’s
boring....They
read Clifford
the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of
fifty minutes a page and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored
at the same time.” Szekely, also known as Louis C.K., certainly speaks his
mind.
We’re
not superhuman or infallible. And our kids will wear us down and find this out.
When we’ve got nothing left, they will ask for one more story. While we’re
having sex for the first time in seven weeks, they will wake up and call for a
glass of water. And they will call us on our hypocrisies.
So I’d
like to stop trying to be perfect. Instead, I’d like to model being human. To
learn from my mistakes. To apologize when I mess up. My plan: forgive myself
and move on. Kids are so incredibly dy-namic. Today I can start being the
parent I want to be. And if today does not go quite right, I can forgive myself
again and start fresh
tomorrow.
tomorrow.
Last
week, I was at an eye exam for Noah. The doctor was kind of a jerk. He wanted
to put drops in Noah’s eyes, which I can accept. But apparently he had not read
Dr. Spock or Dr. Sears. And he certainly was not versed in Larry Cohen’s very
excellent Playful Parenting approach. This
doctor would have made a very fine navy admiral. But as a pediatric
optometrist, I’d say he was ill suited.
He was
frustrated that Noah, age two, did not want to sit still for the drops. Which
is weird. Was Noah his first patient? Maybe pediatric medicine was a new career
for him, perhaps after retiring from the NYPD vice squad.
So the
doctor commanded me to hold Noah down while he put in the drops. Noah was
crying wildly. I was caught off guard by the doc’s order, so I did it. I held
Noah down against his will while the doctor put in the drops.
Afterward,
Noah cried some more. But then he moved on pretty easily, thrilled to play with
the toys in the waiting room while his eyes dilated.
I, on
the other hand, felt terrible. I was sure I could have found a less violent way
to get the drops in. I had overpowered Noah physically and felt I had betrayed
him. I was beating myself up. But then a friend reminded me that my job as a
parent is not to model being perfect but to model being human and compassionate
and forgiving.
When we
got home, I apologized to Noah and told him that I would never do that again.
Which I think is valuable. I don’t need to model getting everything right. That
would be too neurotic. It’s okay to mess up. I just need to model taking
responsibility, apologizing for my mistakes, and forgiving myself.
After
all, kids learn from what we tell them, sure. But even more, they learn from
what we do. So if I can do this, if I can forgive myself, well, then, Noah will
likely learn to forgive himself.
And that
would truly be something worth passing along.
# # #
Brian Leaf is the author of Misadventures
of a Parenting Yogi and Misadventures of a Garden State Yogi,
as well as the owner and director of the holistic New Leaf Learning Center in
western Massachusetts. He has studied, practiced, and taught yoga, meditation,
and Ayurveda for twenty-three years. Visit him online at http://www.misadventures-of-a-yogi.com.
Excerpted from the new book Misadventures of a Parenting Yogi ©2014 by Brian Leaf. Published with permission of New World
Library http://www.newworldlibrary.com
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