When it comes to parenting teens there are four cardinal
sins we parents often commit. These are usually impulsive and emotional
responses rather than well-thought-out strategies. Here they are: spur-of-the-moment
problem discussions, nagging, insight transplants (lectures) and arguing.
Let’s take a look at each.
Spur-of-the-Moment Problem Discussions: When you become
aware of a problem, you simply mention it to your teen, right? Wrong! What you
are saying may be perfectly valid and not intended to cause trouble. The catch?
The odds that your teen is also motivated to discuss this unpleasant subject right
at the time are zero. In fact, spontaneous problem discussions almost always
increase irritability and decrease cooperation. What to do instead? Make an
appointment with your teen to talk.
Nagging: Behind nagging is a kind of psychotic parental
delusion – the notion that repetition will make an idea or request sink in. If
asking your teen 22 times to clean their room didn’t work, maybe the 23rd
time will be the charm. Before opening your mouth, be sure what you want to
talk about is important, and then set up a time with your teen.
Lectures (aka Insight Transplants): I often suggest to
parents who are inclined to lecture that they open their eyes and closely examine
the face of their teen during a one-sided "conversation." Is there a
scowl or snicker there? Are the eyes rolling or is it the Great Stone Face?
Many kids, instead of listening intently, are simply thinking, “When will this
be over?”
Arguing – Arguing usually results in battle lines being
firmly drawn. The whole point of the discussion becomes to win, and, if
possible, to find some clever way of making your opponent look stupid. Don’t
start or participate in a conversation that is going nowhere.
So what should you do to maintain a reasonably open and
friendly relationship with your teen?
Here are four positive suggestions:
Sympathetic listening: Teens can sometimes say things that
catch you off guard, such as, "This family is so boring." Some of
these impromptu comments may be important and worth discussing. Instead of
responding, "You're not so hot yourself," try using an opener such as
“Oh?” or “Really?” to further the conversation. The two main goals of active or
sympathetic listening are 1) gaining an understanding of what your teen is
saying and thinking – even if you don’t agree – and 2) continually checking
that you are getting their message right.
Talking About Yourself: Tell your kids something about you! Pay
attention to two things before you plunge into self-revelation. First, there
can be no hidden message or moral in your story. Second, pick something
interesting—maybe about your colorful past history. Just relax and be
spontaneous. Consider the possibility that sometimes your kids might be able to
sympathetically listen to you.
Shared Fun! A few
“rules” apply to having fun with a teen: Don’t discuss anything controversial, don’t take the whole family
along, do something enjoyable on a regular basis, and avoid doing something
your teen likes and you hate. Quick suggestion: Try a movie and a bite to eat
afterward.
Positive Reinforcement: A sincere compliment is one of the
best ways to improve a relationship. Keep praise short and business-like, be
consistent, and focus on behavior, not personality.
Dr. Thomas Phelan is the author of 1-2-3 Magic Teen: Communicate, Connect, and Guide Your Teen to Adulthood
(Sourcebooks 2016). For more information, visit www.123magic.com.
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