Being impulsive and self-centered are two intrinsic characteristics of very young children. Learning to control emotions and display empathy have to be taught, just like learning to talk, walk, or read. Commonly referred to as Emotional Intelligence, the ability to understand and regulate emotions, as well as respond to them appropriately, is imperative to healthy emotional, mental, and social development.
Emotional Intelligence, or EI, has been linked to higher academic success, enhanced social behaviors, and even increased levels of career satisfaction. Students tend to perform better overall in the classroom and have a lower dropout rate than those who do not exhibit appropriate emotional management. EI also leads to enhanced social interactions, including a better ability to navigate relationships, being able to work cooperatively, and communicating more compassionately and appropriately. Later in life, higher levels of Emotional Intelligence have indicated boosted levels of career satisfaction, as well.
Many schools actively incorporate EI into their curriculums now with multiple rewarding benefits. While having it reinforced in the educational arena strengthens and reinforces EI, but it can start even earlier in the home. To effectively teach our children Emotional Intelligence, we need to begin right from the beginning. Below are four simple ways to help raise emotionally intelligent children.
Talk to Them
From the time your children can respond to your voice, start talking to them about feelings. This can range from cooing at a smiling baby, “That’s my good boy,” to expressing to your three year old you’re angry you can’t find your keys, for example. Label emotions using a rich vocabulary beyond just happy, sad, and mad. As they get older, introduce terms like disappointed, overjoyed, frustrated, fearful, excited, and so on. Talk to them about how they are feeling and encourage them to discuss why. In turn, talk to them about how you feel in different situations and the appropriate way to handle those emotions. The more you discuss emotions, the better understanding they will have of them and begin to recognize different emotions in themselves and in others.
Set Boundaries
Children thrive on clear expectations. They need boundaries to help them understand right from wrong and what is appropriate vs. inappropriate. Set limits for acceptable behaviors and have consequences in place when they are not met. Be sure to validate their emotions in the process. For example, perhaps your child asks to go for ice cream. When you tell her no, she pitches a full out temper tantrum of tremendous scale. To help teach emotional intelligence, calmly respond her that you are not getting ice cream today, but perhaps you will on Saturday for a special weekend treat. You understand this makes her angry and she really wants the ice cream, but the answer is no. This sets boundaries for expectations, teaches needs vs. wants, and validates her emotions. It’s okay she is mad, but it doesn’t mean she’ll get what she wants or that the way she displayed her anger was appropriate.
Model Empathy
Children learn more from watching what we do than from listening to what we say. Be a good EI example for your children. Let them see you helping someone who is in need or extending a kind word to someone who is feeling sad. Make it a regular practice to perform random acts of kindness, such as holding the door for someone with full hands or letting someone cut in front of you in traffic. Help an elderly person in your community rake their leaves or give flowers to your teacher just because. Often times our actions teach better lessons than our words, so remember to lead by example.
Recognize and Praise Appropriate Behaviors
When your child models a good choice or an appropriate behavior, be sure to recognize it and give verbal praise him it. So often we are quick to criticize or tell a child what they are doing wrong. Instead, catch them being good. When you see them picking up their toys without being asked or playing nicely with a sibling, acknowledge it. You don’t have to over exaggerate, but simply state, “I like the way you handled that. Nice job.” Or give them a high five when they do their homework without complaining or teaching a younger neighbor how to do something. This lets them know you saw what they were doing and recognized it positively. Over time, this reinforces those small positive thoughts and gestures and helps them become natural reactions to everyday situations.
Children learn through osmosis. They absorb what is going on around them. They learn from our example, even when we don’t realize they are watching. Using simple techniques to demonstrate appropriate emotional responses and effectively manage our feelings is a powerful tool in teaching them emotional intelligence. The more they are exposed to it, the more natural and automatic it will become to them. In the long run, high emotional intelligence will benefit them academically, socially, and professionally, as well as enhance their overall happiness in life.
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