With boomers facing the possibility of caring for aging parents at the same time that they start to worry about being a burden on their own children, it has become critical to acknowledge this period and its unique set of needs and concerns.
Melanie P. Merriman, PhD, a former hospice consultant who has studied illness, aging, and our overly-complex medical system, has dubbed this period “the tightrope of aging”—a time typically characterized by ever-steeper physical and/or mental decline. Smart, capable parents cling to the familiarity of homes that no longer suit them, and refuse the help they need. Adult children try to keep aging parents safe, while respecting their autonomy. Finding balance is a constant challenge and the fear of falling is real.
In her new memoir, Holding the Net: Caring for My Mother on the Tightrope of Aging, (Green Writers Press, November 1, 2017), Merriman shares what she learned first-hand while caring for her fiercely independent, aging mother. In Holding the Net she candidly describes her efforts to make her mother’s final years the best that they could be.
I had a chance to interview Dr. Merriman to learn more.
What is the "tightrope of aging?"
The tightrope of aging is the period in an older person’s life when it becomes more and more difficult to live well without some assistance. As the lifespan of the average American increases, more of us will experience this stage between the time that we can live fully independently and the end of our lives. Even people who are relatively healthy find, as they age, that senses dull, muscles weaken, and thought processes slow. When this starts to happen, usually in our late seventies or eighties, navigating everyday life can feel like walking on a tightrope. Formerly simple daily tasks, like showering, dressing, or navigating stairs become more difficult, even perilous, and the risk of falling skyrockets.
Few of us want to think about this period of our lives, and prefer to stay in denial that it will ever happen to us. My parents accepted and prepared for the inevitability of their death while still in their sixties. They executed wills, and living wills, and moved their assets into a revocable trust. But neither one of them envisioned a time in their lives when they would need assistance with daily tasks in order to live well and stay safe.
Why is it a challenge to balance independence with end-of-life decisions?
Like walking a tightrope, this period requires constant rebalancing, particularly of our desire for independence and our need for safety. Seniors who are entering the tightrope stage are used to living on their own. One challenge is that the physical and mental decline that accompany aging happen so slowly; it can be hard to miss the cues that it’s time to take action. In addition, seniors will hide their need for help. In our youth-obsessed culture, no one wants to be old, or seem old, so aging parents often refuse any kind of accommodations—a walker, a medical alert lanyard, an in-home caregiver. Fear and grief feed this resistance. As physical stamina declines, reflexes slow, and mental acuity slips, anything unfamiliar is scary, so seniors cling to homes that no longer suit them, and refuse to allow paid caregivers (strangers) in to help. One of the biggest issues is driving a car. Having a car feels central to being independent, and giving it up is a huge loss. It’s essential to find ways to keep seniors involved in their usual activities once they stop driving, so that they don’t become isolated. My ninety-year-old mother-in-law now uses Uber!
How does this stage affect younger generations?
The younger generation, the children of seniors on the tightrope, struggle to know how much to intervene, especially when their concerns are often rebuffed, sometimes unkindly. I desperately wanted to preserve my mother’s autonomy, even after it became clear that she was no longer the smart, clear-thinking, capable woman who raised me. Adult children of aging parents have their own balancing act to perfect. Uncertainty is inevitable. Mistakes will be made. My sister and I let my mother refuse a nighttime caregiver and the result was a terrible night when my mother fell and was not discovered until morning. We had let her choose independence over safety. Maybe my mother knew she was making that choice, and maybe she was telling us that she would rather risk it than give up her autonomy—but I will never be sure.
How can adults prepare for this stage before they get there?
The key is to acknowledge the tightrope of aging as a likely scenario in your future. Once you really accept the idea that there will be a period in your life when you will be less able to care for yourself, you can think about how you want to deal with it. I also believe it is critical to remember that, for those of us lucky enough to have loving families, aging is a family affair. Talk with family members about what is most important to your quality of life. For example, do you want to stay in your hometown, or do you want to be closer to the children or grandchildren? Both parents and children must be honest about the how they can meet the needs that will arise with aging. What will parents expect of their children? What are the children willing and able to do for aging parents? These are not pleasant conversations, but they will bring families closer and lessen future heartache.
Melanie P. Merriman, PhD is the author of Holding the Net: Caring for My Mother on the Tightrope of Aging (Green Writers Press, 2017). Melanie is a former scientist and hospice care consultant. She is also the co-author of Merriman’s Hawai‘i: The Chef, the Farmers, the Food, the Islands, a cookbook with stories about chef Peter Merriman.
No comments:
Post a Comment