Book Nook: Dancing in the Kitchen

Relationships start off in the honeymoon phase, but what happens when they hit walls/hard times and long ruts?

Debbie Cunningham is a Jazz singer who has dedicated her career to singing of love. She has been married for 30 years and is about to release a book, Dancing in the Kitchen, on how to keep the love young and fresh through difficult times and good times. She can speak on how her faith helped her though those tough times.

The book tells stories from an array of couples who have stayed together through infidelity, infertility, sickness, and even an arranged marriage!

I had a chance to interview Debbie to learn more.

What are some things that have helped your relationship thrive for so long?

Intentional investment in us

Parenthood is an amazing part of life but it can usurp every once of energy and time you have in a day. We have always been intentional about spending time as a couple at all stages of parenting. When the kids were young we didn’t get away much but we’d have date nights at home after they went to bed. A nice uninterrupted dinner, conversation & a funny movie we rented were often our go to because we were generally exhausted between raising toddlers and my husband’s travel schedule. We tried to have fun through movies, games, cooking a dinner together, listening to music, just something we enjoyed that was connecting us. In these moments we tried not to spend our time discussing issues with kids, finances or disagreements with each other. Just have fun. By the way, if you have let this slide, it might take some investigating to find what you both enjoy and feel is refreshing.

Being in community with other adults.

We occasionally went out for dates with other couples because the connection with other adults breathed life into us. Even as parents, friendship is important. In our neighborhood we used to have “Driveway Fridays” on our street. A group of us realized we needed connection but no one had the energy to have people over for dinner etc. So on Friday nights through the summer months we met in someone’s driveway with our lawn chairs and watched the kids play in the yard or ride their bikes while we all chatted and visited. These were great moments of community that refreshed us too. If you are at home raising kids it can be very isolating and feel as if the world is passing you by. Sharing that season with others normalizes the reality of your day to day. 

Invest in your intimacy.

We were not always good at this. By year ten, however, we started going away overnight once a year to have time away specifically for us. I highly recommend taking this time away just to celebrate, remember and invest in you as a couple. When we have kids it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that it began with the two of us as husband and wife and that relationship is a priority. Along those same lines, someone once told us that parents shouldn’t have photos of their kids in their bedroom because mommy and daddy can’t make love to each other in the same way a husband and wife can. It is just some food for thought. Definitely make your bedroom a place of respite for the two of you as much as you can.

Communication and conflict

We learned early on that disagreement is just a part of relationships. Two people coming from different families of origin are not always going to see eye to eye. Be patient with each other. Don’t assume anything. It almost always backfires. When you need to discuss an issue try to avoid accusation (ex: You “always or never ) and state what you are feeling. “When you do (blank) I feel (blank). Can we work together to change this?” “When we can’t pay our bills I feel stressed and anxious about our future.” “When I come home from work and everything is a mess, it is hard not to be stressed or frustrated and it spills over on you and the kids.”

These are just examples but it really does help. Feelings are neither right nor wrong they are just your perceptions of the situation. This communication style can help someone from feeling defensive most of the time. Remember the end goal is for both of you to find benefit from the outcome. You are a team.  Do your best to listen to your spouse and see from their perspective even if you don’t agree. Lastly, make a decision to FORGIVE EVERY DAY. 

Why did you decide to create this book?

As a jazz recording artist, I have been singing to couples for years. Through those years I’ve noticed that couples are becoming more disengaged from each other even while out on a date. We watched as several friends divorced and also saw that divorce rates in our society were rising even for second marriages. We all know that marriage isn’t easy. I wanted to normalize the struggles we all go through in our relationship and to do something to encourage couples that are in those seasons. So I wrote a thematic album of songs called -A Million Kisses, which celebrates the journey of committed love. The feedback I received from that album was to offer more encouragement to couples by writing a book about staying in love. That led me to interview couples that had gone through difficult things in their marriage and stayed together to see what worked for them. I also looked at my own 30+ years of marriage and dug into our seasons of struggle to see what made the difference for us. This was a process that took several years but I incorporated all that in my book- Dancing in the Kitchen: Hope and Help for Staying in Love. 

What was something that surprised you while you were working on the book?

I used to think writing a song was difficult. Now, I think it is easy compared to writing a book!  Actually, I was surprised to find that humor is a big part of most couple’s journey to getting through hard seasons and keeping perspective.  When our daughter was facing open-heart surgery, the stress felt unbearable. Our doctor recommended finding humor and fun in something to lighten the load. When my friend David walked with his wife through a debilitating terminal illness, he said they chose to see the humor in the things they were experiencing because they were so unbelievable. Even my friend, Anita, who came home one day to find that her husband had purposely knocked down half her house; including the kitchen and their only bathroom, chose to keep a humorous perspective. And yes, they are still married, so it must work!