Amy Herrig loves dogs, the Dallas Cowboys, her husband and, of course, her family. You might find her cooking up a gourmet meal, reading a good book or discussing the latest movie she's seen. She's as American as apple pie, and one would assume that her life has been a series of successes. Except it hasn't.
In her memoir No More Dodging Bullets, Herrig recounts her struggle with heroin addiction during her teenage years and, as an adult, an addiction to money. She and her father were the successful owners of a number of businesses, raking in the profits and enjoying all that it could buy when the government slapped them with a lawsuit that threatened to strip them of everything, including their freedom. During that four-year battle, she was served with another notice: she had breast cancer.
Her struggles, she says, have served to provide her with a new perspective and have deepened her faith. "All the bullets I've dodged and all the things that have happened made me realize how lucky I am to be alive,” she says.
You've dealt with many different obstacles in your life. Why did you decide to write this book about them?
I had thought at different times throughout my life about writing a book because my life had always been interesting and different than most, due to the nature of my parents' business and my somewhat unique upbringing. My father was kind of a pioneer in what is now a multi-billion dollar industry and is even becoming mainstream, but when he first opened the Gas Pipe, stores of that nature - known at the time as "head shops" - were scandalous and under constant legal scrutiny. So my biggest "obstacle" and constant struggle in life was working through the stigma and at times embarrassment that came with that business. As I got older, I learned to embrace it more and the business/industry became more accepted, but then I had other problems and shameful behavior I had engaged in, such as a heroin addiction, and then as the years went on I found myself constantly trying to fit in for the wrong reasons by having money and what I perceived as a certain social status, all in hopes of making up for any past shameful behavior or inadequacies I had felt. I wasn't consciously aware of all of this time at the time. I was just acting out and going through the motions in life and doing what I thought I should do to "fit in." Then our legal ordeal began in 2014, and suddenly it was very clear to me that every decision I had made in life had lead to another and I began to understand that I had a real story to share, particularly as I started doing a lot of self-reflection and reevaluating of my life and choices I had made. My life became very public with the lawsuit and subsequent indictment, so while it was humiliating and embarrassing, it also opened up the door for me to share my story because if part of my story was going to be told in the media regarding the alleged illegal activity I had engaged in, I wanted my entire story to be told. Many people encouraged me to share my story and told me throughout the last five years that I am an inspiration because of how I handled everything, and there was a lot to handle with the legal situation coupled with a breast cancer diagnosis, all while I was raising teenage twins. I appreciate people viewing me as inspirational, and while I do agree I have persevered, I also know that I struggled at times, not just these last five years but throughout my life. I think many would describe me as a bold and outspoken person who makes an impact with her words and actions, but I think it's important for people to know that we all struggle at times - no matter how bold and confident we may appear - and it's how we deal with the struggles that can make a difference. Also, I think it was important for me to learn and appreciate that I do have a strong personality and my words and actions can make an impact and I want to make a positive impact, which I hope is the case with my book.
Can you share a little bit about your experience with federal prosecutions and what happens when citizens might be unaware they're breaking the law?
My attorneys and I like to joke that I am like an honorary attorney at this point. I received a crash course in the federal justice system and in some ways learned more than one could ever learn at law school, and my "education" cost a lot more money than law school. I immersed myself and became obsessed with our defense and working with our attorneys in any way I could. The undisputed facts are nobody at Gas Pipe thought they were breaking a law. While many of our co defendants plead to certain charges (because defendants often plea to charges to avoid trial), there was never a belief by anyone at the time when we were selling these products that we were breaking the law. There was nothing about our behavior that was indicative of people who were breaking the law. We were a "wide open book" with our business practices, conducting all business in the open, public retail market. So, when the government initiated the legal action against us, we were shocked. They could have issued a "cease and desist" letter and simply told us to stop what we were doing. They didn't have to conduct a 7 month "undercover" investigation. Our business operation wasn't hidden or "black market." There wasn't a crime ring to infiltrate. We were a retail business open to the public, openly displaying this product, selling it openly to the public and paying taxes on every single dollar. So, I can't speak to what has happened to other people that are prosecuted for something they didn't realize was illegal because I personally don't know of another case like ours. Typically people who are breaking the law know their behavior is illegal - if someone is selling cocaine they know it's clearly illegal and they're not selling it in the open in a retail store and paying taxes on it. If someone is committing fraud of any kind, they know they are intentionally depriving someone of money or property and that it is illegal. We were selling a product that customers wanted at a price they were willing to pay. That is the rule of any retail business. Was it something I'm proud of, was it positive for the community, and was it a good thing to sell from a moral standpoint? The answer is "no" to all of that. I have to live with my poor decisions in that regard. But we were never told it was an illegal product. In fact, we were told the opposite. On more than one occasion we had local police in our stores, once even taking the product for testing and then returning it to us to sell with a check written to us to compensate for what they couldn't return because it had been used for testing. There is something wrong in our system if people can be prosecuted and sent to prison for behavior that police told them was legal. A recent article written about us stated that our trial made future prosecutions of analogue cases more challenging. It isn't our goal to make it where people can sell products like "spice," but I do think it should be the goal of every citizen, as well as our justice system, to have laws that are clearly and easily understood so that every citizen can know if they are acting legally or not.
How were you able to get out of the cycle of addiction?
When I was recovering from my heroin addiction, I was very fortunate to have a strong support system with my family and my faith. I was also fortunate enough to have resources like professional counseling. I now do a lot of work with the homeless in our community, and addiction is a big problem for most of them, and it's hard, if not impossible, to overcome addiction without a strong support system, which most of the homeless do not have. So, I know that because I had people who believed me and wanted to see me get better I was able to persevere. I also had to do the work myself though. I had to decide that I didn't want to have my life dictated by heroin anymore. I was lucky and fortunate to be in a place in my life where I had opportunities and positive things I wanted to achieve and I could focus on those and bettering myself. However, even though I overcame my heroin addiction 25 years ago, I had other addictive behaviors which I struggled with, such as negative thoughts and actions, which can be addictive. Because I dealt with my heroin addiction privately and didn't disclose it to most people as the years went on, I still lived with the shame of it privately. There was this period of my life (my late teens when I was doing heroin and other drugs) that was very defining but I didn't want many people to know about it, and that lead to other destructive behaviors like being addicted to money and prestige, mistakenly thinking that would somehow make up for the years in my life I had been doing heroin and not going to college and doing the more traditional things that my peers in life were doing. Negative feelings, shame, and engaging in destructive emotional behaviors can be just as addicting as a substance, and money and greed can be as well. I realized, after our legal situation commenced and the years and struggles that followed, that I had simply substituted one harmful behavior for another. Sure, I wasn't doing heroin anymore, but I was addicted to a lifestyle and desires - like money and greed - that were unhealthy as well. Through the struggles and challenges the last five years and allowing myself to really look deep within and be very honest about my behavior throughout life and all the decisions and choices I had made, I was really able to bring about change. I think accountability is the absolute necessity to overcoming any destructive behavior.
What role do self-esteem and self-awareness play in overcoming things like addiction or illness?
Self-awareness is the key to everything. We have to be aware and accountable for who we are and what we are doing. Once we become aware of that, then we can work on changes that we want to make. And within that we find a sense of empowerment and a stronger self-esteem. Finding that core strength is key to overcoming anything though, and with that core, inner strength we can find contentment and an inherent joy. People always talk about wanting to be "happy." It's like it's this quest for gold people are looking for and when they find it they'll be fulfilled. Happiness is a feeling, just like anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, etc. It's not a "thing." Feelings come and go, and often we can feel multiple feelings all at once. But contentment, being at peace with ourselves, is a state of being. When we are aware and we learn to truly love ourselves and accept everything about ourselves and accept we have room for improvement but that's okay so long as we are working toward betterment, then we can have a healthy self-esteem and be content and fulfilled, and that is when we know we can handle anything because we aren't chasing a feeling or looking for anything except to be the best person we can be. Feelings, including happiness, will come and go, but how we love ourselves, how we practice our faith, and how we live our lives and treat others are what define us and give us the strength to conquer anything.
Today, Herrig volunteers regularly and has founded the nonprofit, Hopeful Tuesdays, to assist the homeless in her community. She and her family enjoy spending time in Alaska, helping to run the family business there and spending time hiking and fishing. A self-professed foodie, she's frequently hosting dinner parties and delving into meaningful conversations with her close circle of friends.
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