We all want our kids to succeed in life. But when we try to protect our kids from failing, we often become their biggest obstacle. Michele Borba, Ed.D., says certain common parental behaviors can prevent children from developing the resilience they need for a successful future. These are the Parenting NO-NOs every parent should know about.
“Even though we always mean well, some of our parenting habits may be destructive to our children’s wellbeing,” says Dr. Borba, author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine (G.P. Putnam’s Sons, March 2021, ISBN: 978-0-593-08527-1, $27.00). “We often don’t even realize we are doing anything wrong, and yet our kids are failing to thrive. It’s time to pivot to a different approach—one that helps kids build the strengths that will make them resilient and ready for the real world.”
In other words, it’s time to get intentional about helping your kids become Thrivers—a word Dr. Borba uses for mentally tough children that have a sense of control over their lives and flourish in a rapidly changing, uncertain world. Ordinary day-to-day teachable moments make an extraordinary difference in your kids’ lives and help them develop the agency they need to face challenges and say, “I got this.” Dr. Borba’s new book can help. It shares the character strengths that set up young people for happiness and achievement in life along with strategies that build resilience.
Read on to learn the Parenting NO-NOs many of us do every day—and what you can do to change these habits starting now.
#1. THE INTERPRETER: Interpreters sweep in and speak for their children instead of allowing them the time and space to assert themselves in their own words. (“What he means is…”) Always speaking for your kids makes them grow to depend on you. It prevents them from building self-confidence that they need to face life’s challenges head on.
Parenting Pivot: Make yourself a silent cue to pause and wait instead of automatically interpreting what your child wants to say before they have a chance to speak for themselves. Give them time to “warm up” so they can speak on their own, particularly if they are used to having someone always be the interpreter. You may even want to role play some practice conversations in the home, so your child begins building the self-confidence that will enable them to use their own voice.
#2. THE PREOCCUPIED PARENT-ER: Preoccupied parents are perpetually distracted and inattentive, and they may not always fully listen to their kids. (“Did you say something…?”) This is very relatable because we all live hectic, busy lives in which there’s always another email or text to return; and working from home during COVID has cranked up the busyness factor even higher. This results in a lot of one-sided “surface” conversations in which you do all the talking. While you may not even realize you are distracted, your child feels pushed aside and that their opinions and needs don’t matter. Eventually they may give up on trying to communicate with you at all. When parents display this behavior, the child never learns deep listening, which is a core skill of empathy. It also prevents them from developing curiosity.
Kids want to feel like you are really engaged and care how they feel. But if you stick to mostly surface conversations with your kids (“How as your day at school?”), your child is likely to think “Why bother?” and tune out. Then, you are likely to do the same, and both parent and child miss the opportunity for deep listening and communication.
Parenting Pivot: Make a rule to put away all digital devices during certain times, like when you are driving with your kids or having family dinner. For example, during drives put all phones and devices in the center console and turn down the radio so there will be no distractions. Then, use the opportunity to have deeper, two-way conversations.
#3. THE EXCUSER: We hate for our kids to feel excluded, or to not get the party invitation, or to feel like they cost the team the game. And so, we soften the loss for them by intervening and making excuses. (“She’s had a tough day.”) But this robs our kids of their responsibility to take ownership. It robs them of integrity by teaching them that Mom or Dad will handle their problems. Making excuses also robs them of self-control, and they don’t develop the inner strength and self-regulation that enables them to learn to defend themselves. They may even think, “Why should I have to calm down, self-regulate, and figure this out? Mom’s going to handle this for me.” Finally, making excuses for your children could make you unpopular with teachers and other parents, and may even make your child unpopular too.
Parenting Pivot: Practice tough love by backing away and allowing your child to make excuses for himself or herself. This is your chance to help them step up to the plate and take responsibility for their actions. You can still help your child plan what they may need to say to the coach, but they must be the one to deliver the message. Or, you can still go to the teacher’s conference with your child if they have been having a tough time in class, but your child must do the talking.
“Do practice runs so your child knows what they plan to say to their grandmother, or their coach, or their friend,” says Dr. Borba. “Have them write down their talking points on an index card, or practice speaking them in front of the mirror.”
#4. THE REWARDER: Oh, how we want our kids to be happy and successful, and so we swoop in to give them the gold star, lavish on the praise or give them trophies for just about any little thing. In fact, we don’t feel we’ve done our job if we don’t let our kids constantly know that they’re special, loved and oh so valued. But research also proves that tangible enticers can make kids less resilient, less creative, worse at problem solving and less likely to be intrinsically motivated. The effect is even more detrimental for school-age kids than for college-age students.
Parenting Pivot: Resilience is internally driven and never relies on trophies or accolades. So, announce a “No rewards for every little thing” policy, and then expect your kids to do their best—without those enticers. It doesn’t mean not to praise, but just make sure your words are legitimate and specific, so the child knows exactly what he did to deserve recognition. (“You’re patient: you always wait until it’s your turn.”) Do let your kids know they’re loved and cherished but not better, superior or worthier than another. Do praise your kid for more than their grades and scores. We’re so quick to inquire “What did you get” and not so much for “What caring deed did you do?” Do praise your child for their effort and point out their improvement. Just keep your wallet closed and dump those gold stars!
#5. THE FIXER/RESCUER: It’s quick and easy to swoop in and fix your child’s mistakes or prevent them from making mistakes in the first place. (“Let me do it” or “Don’t worry, I’ll fix it.”) But this does tremendous damage because it prevents kids from developing resilience. Rescuing means your kids will never experience mistakes or even realize that mistakes are a part of life. And without experiencing setbacks, learning from them, and trying again they never learn perseverance.
Parenting Pivot: First, make it clear that mistakes are allowed! When your child makes a mistake remind them that mistakes are just part of life. Then, the next time your child does make a mistake (because you did not fix it or rescue them) help them figure out what they can do to make it right. Ask questions like, “What’s the problem?” “What are three things you could have done differently?” “What are you going to do next time?” “Is your plan safe, wise, and responsible?” “How are you going to do it?” Then, encourage them to try, try again.
#6. THE INTERRUPTER: Interrupters cut kids off midsentence, never let them finish their thoughts, and prevent them from taking the time to explain their point of view. Never giving kids the time to think things through and speak their mind causes them to think, “Why bother?” and give up. Not only does this rob them of their ability to think things through at a deeper level, but it also makes them feel bad about themselves and prevents them from developing curiosity. In our fast-paced world of instant gratification, it’s not surprising that many parents feel the need to talk over our kids, but children still need enough time to pause and think through their thoughts.
Parenting Pivot: Try the “3 second” rule. Research by Mary Budd Rowe shows that kids need three seconds of silence to think through their thoughts and come up with a more in-depth position to a question, but we rarely give kids more than 1.5 seconds before butting in. Give your child a full three seconds (or longer) to think and formulate their own responses. It may feel awkward at first, but they will eventually find the right words. So, push pause…and you may discover it speeds up your child’s thinking and response. And remember that you may need to practice building two-way conversations until they come naturally. If you need to, you can even narrate the process by saying, “It’s my turn…” “Now it’s your turn…” “Now it’s my turn again…”
#7. THE DICTATOR: Instead of including the child in the decision-making process, the Dictator declares what is going to happen. (“It’s my way or the highway.”) Often it occurs as a result of busy lifestyles where adults don’t have time to let the kids be part of the decisions. Nonetheless, with Dictator style decision making, the child never gets a chance to explain his views, state his values, assert himself, participate in debate, or convince his parents to see his side of things. Therefore, he never learns to have discourse, think through his arguments, see both sides of issues, or develop solid convictions he can stand by. Without these skills, kids cannot become deep thinkers, engaged learners, and may struggle to handle life assertively and with self-confidence. It also robs them of curiosity. Respectful arguing helps them learn how to solve differences, find creative solutions, and discover their inner strength, which is so crucial to resilience.
“If a child never learns to defend herself in a safe environment with her parents, how can she defend herself on the playground or in a dorm room or in the boardroom?” says Dr. Borba. “Being able to face adversity and hold your own is a big part of being a Thriver.”
Parenting Pivot: The next time your child wants to do something, instead of shutting them down or telling them what’s going to happen instead, say “Convince Me,” or if they are arguing that they deserve a raise in their allowance, say “Prove It.” Let them argue their case and listen carefully to their points. They may just convince you to see their side of things. If you still disagree with their position, explain your reasoning for saying no.
Another solution is to teach your child to argue constructively, using the acronym ARE. (And just as importantly, be willing to listen to them and consider their argument.)
- Assert. Be brief, and share the main point of your opinion with facts. “I think…” or “I read…heard…believe…”
- Reason. Next, support your assertion with a valid or proven reason: the “because” part of the argument.
- Evidence. Finally, offer proof for your reasons, the “example” part of an argument.
#8. THE CODDLER: Coddlers try to remove any angst or disappointment from their kids’ lives and protect them from anything harsh or dismal. (“It’s okay honey, you don’t need to hear it/see it.”) But “bubble wrapping” our kids has raised a generation of young people who can’t handle emotional triggers. This sets them up to fail in the real world, which is tough and full of bad news. You can’t spare kids from the doom and gloom of life. They only have to open their phone or talk to a peer to see the world as it really is.
Coddled kids never learn optimism or develop a sense of hope, and they never develop the “I got this” attitude of Thrivers. Further, they never learn to think deeply, a huge disadvantage later in life. Finally, if kids are going to stand up for themselves and thrive they must learn to think about their point of view and learn to respectfully disagree with others.
Parenting Pivot: Thrivers live in reality, but they also have optimism that keeps them hopeful and moving forward. They are able to find the silver linings during hard times because they have been exposed to small doses of the pain of the real world along the way. Gradually expose your child to small doses of disappointment, bad news, and harsh realities, and guide them through solutions in a safe environment. Ask them what they’re hearing that has them worried. Put each crisis in perspective and help them work through it. Then remind them of times things have worked out in the past and that hard problems get solved every day. For example, you might say, “I know this is a dismal time, but let’s look back at the 1918 influenza pandemic. A lot of people had to wear masks and stay home back then too. But in the end, they got through it.” Finally, check the words you use. Are you modeling optimism or pessimism for your kids to internalize? It may be helpful to come up with a family mantra, such as “We’ll get through this” or “It will be okay.”
HOW TO CHANGE PARENTING NO-NOs TO RAISE THRIVERS
Do you recognize some of these habits in your own parenting? If so, the good news is, now you’ve got an opportunity to do something about it.
“Identify the behaviors you recognize in yourself and focus on each NO-NO one at a time,” says Dr. Borba. “When you have overcome one, start on the next one.”
A few steps you can take to maximize the changes you make:
- Make a plan. Figure out what you want to change and what you are going to do differently to make it a reality.
- Write it down. Write your intentions to change your behavior and work with your child.
- Narrate your intentions to your child. Tell them that you want to make some changes, and that you may be interacting with them differently. You might say something like, “In the past I feel like I’ve interrupted you a lot. I want to work on this, because I know it isn’t helping you. If you notice that I start interrupting you, will you give me a thumbs up to remind me to stop?”
- Get an accountability partner. Choose a friend to share your plans with and ask them to check in with you and make sure you are staying accountable.
- Track your progress. Change happens slowly, but your efforts must be consistent. Keep track of your progress on a calendar so you will notice the progress you make over time.
“While it may take time for you and your child to adjust to a new way of interacting, stay committed and be consistent,” concludes Dr. Borba. “Eventually you will notice a difference as both you and your child start to reap incredible benefits and be more likely to thrive.”
About the Author:
Michele Borba, Ed.D., is the author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine and UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, and is an internationally renowned educational psychologist and an expert in parenting, bullying, and character development. A sought-after motivational speaker, she has spoken in nineteen countries on five continents, and served as a consultant to hundreds of schools and corporations including Sesame Street, Harvard, U.S. Air Force Academy, eighteen U.S. Army bases in Europe and the Asian-Pacific, H.H. the Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi, and a TEDx Talk: “Empathy Is a Verb.” She offers realistic, research-based advice culled from a career working with over one million parents and educators worldwide. She is a regular NBC contributor who appears regularly on Today and has been featured as an expert on Dateline, The View, Dr. Phil, NBC Nightly News, Fox & Friends, Dr. Oz, and The Early Show, among many others. She lives in Palm Springs, California, with her husband and is the mother of three grown sons.
About the Book:
Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine (G.P. Putnam’s Sons, March 2021, ISBN: 978-0-593-08527-1, $27.00) is available at bookstores nationwide and from major online booksellers and offers a science-backed plan to raise resilient kids.
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