The authors, who have more than 60 years combined experience talking to kids, show how to engage in respectful and effective dialogue, beginning with defining and demonstrating the basic principles of listening and speaking. Unlike many other parenting philosophies that are invigorating and validating, but near impossible to translate into immediate action, Dr. Stixrud and Johnson create a roadmap that transforms parents’ ability to navigate the complex terrain and train their minds to communicate more successfully. Their guidance exemplifies new approaches towards handling complex topics that are at the forefront of our society like boundaries with technology, the anxiety of current events, mental health, problem solving, and much more.
Dr. Stixrud and Johnson address the following:
· The importance of effective communication--it’s all about the delivery of information
· How to help children understand their thoughts and find their own reasons to change
· How to change our energy in the way we talk to children, in order to greatly increase the likelihood they will actually hear what we are trying to say
· Basic tools borrowed from psychotherapy, positive psychology, and the science of change can be used effectively by all parents
What Do You Say? will permanently level up the way you approach communication and parenting with your children, and others naturally.
You can learn more in this interview.
Why is it important to give kids strong communication skills from an early age?
Being a good communicator is more about understanding than telling. One of the greatest qualities anyone can have in life is to be a good listener, and we can begin modeling that early. So often, we try to talk people out of their feelings or problem solve for them, when really what they seek is an empathic listener, someone who will repeat back to them how they’re feeling, who will show them they are understood and not judged. When emotions are high, it’s not logic that calms people, but understanding and empathy. Kids can begin to learn this as toddlers. As they grow, they can employ it with their friends, with their teachers, in workplace settings, and even with their own kids if they have them one day. Being a good listener becomes their way of being, and will endear them to whoever comes into their life.
The research of John Gottman, Matthew Lieberman, and others has found that labeling subtle emotions is crucial for helping children develop healthy emotional regulation skills, in part because naming feelings increases the ability of the prefrontal cortex to regulate the amygdala. As Tina Payne Bryson says, if it’s mentionable, it’s manageable. Parents can help young children to “use their words” by empathically expressing what they seem to be feeling (e.g. “You seem mad about that.” “It seemed like you were really embarrassed when your friend called you names.” “You seem upset by how the teacher handled that.”). By modeling how we use words to manage emotions ourselves, we can teach kids how to do it in their own relationships. For example, “I’m feeling frustrated right now. I’m going to take a break so I can cool down. I’ll be better at solving this problem with you if I am calm.”
How can parents and caregivers help kids understand and express their thoughts?
The first step is to listen respectfully and calmly so that kids will share their thoughts with us to begin with! In our experience, kids are more likely to open up when caregivers spend unrushed time with them at bedtime, when their guard will often be down. It also helps when adults share their own thoughts and feelings. And of course, it’s always a good idea to reassure kids that we love them no matter what they do. If you slip up and get upset, or judge something your child has confided to you, all is not lost—you can always apologize. All of these actions will help kids feel more comfortable confiding hard feelings.
Kids are great at understanding what’s going on in their brains, if we use the right language. With young kids who are anxious or easily angered, we often use the metaphor of a smoke detector. Most kids know what a smoke detector is and what it sounds like, and we explain that the way they’re wired, they just have a really sensitive smoke detector, and sometimes it goes off when it really doesn’t need to. When they understand what’s going on in their brain, they’re better able to manage it, to say, “Oh, that’s just my sensitive smoke detector going off. But there’s no fire here.”
What are some things parents inadvertently do wrong when talking to kids and how can they change?
One of the big ones is talking to kids without getting buy-in. If your kid is struggling with a problem, always ask, “Would you like to hear my thoughts about that?” If they say no, respect it. No one hears advice they haven’t asked for, anyway! And maybe they’ll seek out your opinion later.
We also caution parents about the “righting reflex,” an impulse we all have to fix our child’s problem for them, often through the use of logic. So for instance, if a child is resisting going to a day camp, avoid jumping in and explaining all the reasons they should—that they’re bored, that they’ve said themselves that they want to meet new people, etc. Instead, be curious about the reasons they might not want to go to the camp. Let them air their concerns and work through what are usually mixed feelings about it on their own. You’re a listener, not a fixer. Kids want to be happy, they want their life to work out. Sometimes they just need time and space to work through their ambivalence, and when parents come down hard on all the reasons a kid should do something, it has the effect of making the kid come down hard on the other side.
Ned Johnson is a motivational coach who runs an elite tutoring service and William Stixrud, PhD, a clinical neuropsychologist, are the bestselling authors of The Self-Driven Child and are go-to voices on parenting in the media.
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