Parenting Pointers: Teen Self-Esteem

 I had a chance to interview  the executive director of the New Jersey chapter of the National Association of Social Workers, Jennifer Thompson, on how people can best support the teenagers in their life for National Teen Self Esteem Month this May.

Whether the teen in your life is your child, co-worker, sibling, or even just a friend, this month reminds us how important it is to support and assure the teens in our lives as they navigate this challenging stage of life.

• As a social worker, what are some of the key things you've seen that can affect teen self-esteem?  There are so many things that teens are facing that affect their self-esteem. Outside of social media, which we have spoken about for years, I think it’s important to recognize that our youth—teens and younger, are watching the events of the world unfold and the political issues in this nation and it is affecting their esteem and sense of self. As we have watched the racial unrest in our nation unfold, rules and regulations come to fruition that impact native dress and cultural hairstyles, our kids are impacted.  Now we’re watching legislators and adults debate our LGBTQIA youth and trans teens mere existence while legislating that they can’t identify as their true selves.  Teens and younger children are deeply affected by these broader issues in society.  While they are just growing into their identity and sorting out who they are, they’re watching part of the world tear them down/silence their truth. That has significant negative impacts on their self-esteem.
• How can parents and caregivers communicate with their teens in ways that are caring but not controlling?

That’s a tricky one. I think it’s important to keep open lines of communication with our teens and set firm boundaries. Our kids, and teens, seek boundaries and look to us to provide that. As our kids get older, they may not admit they appreciate the boundaries, but they do. Creating those open spaces for conversation is so important! 

• What is social comparison and how can adults help teens (and themselves) avoid it?  Social comparison is when we compare our lives/selves to that of others and to some extent, it’s inevitable for all of us. We all look at something/someone at one point or another and compare ourselves/our situation to what we perceive others have.  Social media has certainly increased our access to others lives/situations and we see our teens comparing themselves to others more now than when we were growing up. It's important to talk to our kids from early ages—about the reality of social media and others lives. It’s important for us to continually engage in a dialogue about social media being the “highlight reel” and a curated (and often paid) share. It's important to help our teens understand that nobody is perfect, no lives are perfect. When my child compares what others have – or what he sees on youtube or tiktok, I like to ask him what he’d show on social media. We talk about the fact he’d show a family trip, or a rollercoaster ride, or his epic win on Fornite. He wouldn’t show the messy room, the average Saturday running errands or the dozens of times he lost a game. When we ask kids to tell us the highlights of their lives, we also get the chance to talk about how that’s only one piece of their lives—and that’s really helpful in giving them tools to understand how social media is one sided. 
• How can adults encourage healthy self-esteem habits? I know I’m a broken record, but limiting our kids access to media—and online content. It's so important that our youth are encouraged to find themselves and passions outside of what the world tells them they should do/like/be. I like setting internet time limits so that we can monitor that access. We should also be encouraging our kids to try new things/discover what they like. Encourage them to try a sport, a new art project, etc. We should talk to them about what they like about themselves—and also mirror that for them by sharing what we like about our own selves. Talking positively about our passions, our bodies and when we catch ourselves comparing ourselves – reframe that for us, and them—modeling what that looks like to center reality. 

Thompson is passionate about helping adults, children, and families in her community better support one another through her efforts at NASW-NJ.