Parenting Pointers: Rich Talk

Rebecca Rolland, EdD, is a mother of two and a Harvard Speech-Language Pathologist whose new book The Art of Talking With Children details "rich talk" and listening to cultivate children's creativity, kindness, and curiosity. In the book, she guides readers with evidence-based tools and techniques to communicate more effectively with children in ways that let them foster relationships with less conflict and more joy and kindness. Rolland shows how quality communication — or "rich talk" — can help build the skills and capacities children need to thrive.

I had a chance to learn more in this interview.

Can you describe what "rich talk" is and why it's so important?

Rich talk is a way of jumpstarting meaningful conversations with kids. It has three components (think of ABC): it's Adaptive, meaning it is tailored to your child and their situation, even their temperament and their mood; it's Back-and-Forth, meaning that you are making sure both you and your child/ren are getting to talk, and it's Child-Driven, meaning that it focuses on what is on your child's mind, whether positively or negatively. This is the key to having conversations that are meaningful and motivating for your kids--and that can also be interesting and engaging to you.

Rich talk is so important because we're often on autopilot, focusing on logistical conversations like getting kids from here to there. So often, we're "putting out fires" with kids. Whether you're a parent, caregiver, or teacher, we often focus on solving the immediate problem, or helping with homework, but we don't have an overall framework of how to approach talk. As a result, we're missing out on daily opportunities to build our bonds with our kids and support them in becoming more kind, confident, and creative.

How can adults transition into a better way of communicating with kids?

Start with a few five or ten-minute chunks throughout the day focused on being intentional about your conversation. In that time, try sitting with your kids quietly or noticing what they're interested in. Or try playing a game or doing an activity you both enjoy. When kids start talking, try noticing the balance of talk and silence between you. Give more wait time than you usually do. Invite your child to teach you something--whether it's how to play a new video game or learn a move in basketball. Allow the conversation to flow from there.

Why is it so important to use kids' interests as a way to improve communication?

When kids are more interested, they're naturally more motivated and engaged. They also are more likely to feel seen and heard--which leads to a greater connection--because they get the sense that you are interested in them. We even know that kids' reading skills often seem to improve when they're reading something they care about! Over time, this leads to better skills and a stronger bond between you.

How can adults talk to kids about sometimes heavy topics like politics, school safety, and difficult news headlines?

Most importantly, keep in mind that these can be ongoing conversations. You don't have to get it "right" or have the perfect answer. Focus on feelings and on exploring your child's perspective. Start with what they have heard or are worried about. This will help you tailor your response to what they're really asking. Also, keep in mind that your child wants to know they can come to you for answers and as a sounding board. It can be incredibly hard when we are also feeling stressed about these things. Before having these conversations, think about the ways in which you feel most stressed, anxious, or triggered. Model ways of keeping yourself calm, including deep breathing and talking it out with a friend. If you find yourself getting too upset to talk calmly, your kids can actually benefit from your saying, "I want to talk about this--but let's wait until I feel a bit calmer." That's showing them you're there for them, but that you need time to process things as well.