Every relationship you have in life is hard work. Whether they’re friendships, romantic relationships or family ties, there is a certain degree of attention that is required - along with compassion, empathy and continued support. Unfortunately not all interactions have a positive outcome. A toxic relationship can completely drain you and can be very hard to identify without the proper tools.
Fortune 50 exec turned women's empowerment coach, Stacey Aaron Domanico, asks in her forthcoming book, Where Do You Spend Your Heartbeats? Design the Life You Desire, One Heartbeat at a Time (October 2022). After years of a never ending mood swings and outbursts, Stacey found herself acclimated to what was clearly a very toxic situation. Stacey was given an ultimatum when she showed interest in pledging a sorority by her long-term boyfriend: “Pledge and we’re over.” After years of choosing an unhealthy response, she decided to show him the boundaries she deserved - “Buh-Bye then!”
"We have the power to create our life experiences, whatever you want them to be. Look around. There are beautiful examples of this everywhere. As for me, today my mantra-my focus- is different. I tell myself that I am healthy and loving the life that I have designed.”
I had a chance to learn more in this interview.
What are some signs that you're in a toxic relationship?
A few of the signs that I had experienced while in a toxic relationship were the following: (Keep in mind, the awareness of these signs may take a long time to acknowledge and sometimes an even longer time to take action)
You are happier when you are not with the person than when you are together. You look forward to when they need to leave the house (if you live together)
You cannot be your authentic self for fear of ridicule or shaming. You hide emotions and pretend to be who you think they want you to be.
They usually do not like any of your friends and find fault with all of the people you spend time with other than them.
Most discussions end up in a heated argument regardless of the topic
You have fear of bringing them into any social situations for fear of public shaming or outbursts.
You spend more time rationalizing in your head that “all is ok” vs listening to your gut and your heart.
You begin to question your own sanity at times, due to a pendulum swing of behavior from your partner from “cruel” to “kind.”
If a relationship is toxic, does that always mean it has to be ended?
Not necessarily, I have personally known many couples who have worked through this dynamic, however, usually there needs to be an awareness of the dysfunction and a desire to change. When the pain of staying in the toxic relationship overrides the fear of leaving, that is when some people may leave. This was the case for me for many years.
How can a person detach from a toxic relationship?
There are a few approaches that I have found helpful when beginning my journey of detachment:
Find something that you have a passion for and spend time doing what you love. Take up as much space as you can, taking care of yourself either physically or mentally. If it’s painting, writing etc. Start the self-love journey with baby steps as needed
Seek professional help – Either a therapist or a life coach can be very helpful
Do not engage in arguments and abusive discussion. As hard as it sometimes is, walk away and do not engage. This begins not only the detachment process but also changes the dynamic of the “dance”
How can someone find healing and support after ending a toxic relationship?
Working on your own self worth is critical and key to healing. Whether this is seeing a professional to heal, surrounding yourself with supporting and loving people and really assessing where and who you spend your time with. Many people equate a toxic relationship to a marriage or a romantic partner, however, the same feelings and healing may be applied to friendships or co-workers as well.
Following a dynamic career of over 25 years at the executive level leading teams and coaching women in a Fortune 50 company, Stacey Aaron Domanico became a certified life and empowerment coach so she could focus on her first love of mentoring women: a role she began to enjoy while still in her corporate life. Today, as a two-time cancer and toxic relationship survivor, it is Aaron Domanico’s purpose and passion to help other women by sharing the lessons she has learned and tools she has developed throughout her own journey. Against the backdrop of the fact that we all have a finite number of heartbeats in this lifetime, Aaron Domanico shares the message that our biggest decision each day is where and how we wish to spend them, and that we have the power to create the life we desire, one heartbeat at a time. She specializes in relationships, career change and advancement, as well as overcoming fear, stress, and anxiety. When not mentoring or coaching women, she loves to travel, entertain friends, ride her Peloton (especially after indulging in a seriously good thin-crust pizza), and spending time with her husband, their four children, and fur baby, Bella.
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