I had a chance to interview Stephanie Kriesberg, psychologist who specializes in toxic relationships and anxiety disorders and author of the upcoming book, Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Quiet the Critical Voice in Your Head, Heal Self-Doubt, and Live the Life You Deserve.
How might someone know if they had narcissistic parents or caregivers growing up?
A family with narcissistic parents is “upside down.’ A healthy family is like an upside down triangle. Here’s what that looks like. Parents are at the top, meaning that the kids know that the adults are in charge. It’s not a free-for-all. This helps kids feel safe. Parents set rules and guidelines in a way that is respectful of their children and who they are as individuals. The rules change with time as children’s needs change. Parents are also warm and loving. They set limits, and listen to their children with empathy and dignity.
This is hard to pull off for anyone. It is exceptionally difficult for a parent with narcissism. A parent with narcissistic traits is immature inside, like a child in an adult body. They lack the maturity and emotional insight to strive for what I just described—what I call “balanced parenting.”
If you’re a narcissistic parent, you lack the capacity to focus on your child and her needs in a healthy way. You struggle to empathize with and validate her emotions. Empathizing means “getting it” at an emotional level and validating means communicating that you get how she feels. That doesn’t mean you agree with what she wants. For example, your teenager might be furious that you won’t let him go to a concert on a school night and get home at 2 am. You can empathize with and validate his anger. That doesn’t mean you’re letting him go to the concert!
If you’re a narcissistic parent, you have difficulty identifying and managing your own emotions. It’s hard for you to stay emotionally stable in the face of life’s challenges, and you look to your child to help you feel better when you feel depressed or rejected. Or you might look to your children to be your captive audience to your accomplishments, while barely paying attention to what is happening to them.
These patterns leave children and their adult selves feeling invisible and cut off from their own emotions, while at the same time feeling responsible for other people’s emotions and well-being.
Why do adult children of narcissistic parents need to avoid blame in order to heal?
There are two types of blame, self-blame and blame of others, and neither helps when it comes to healing. It’s important to distinguish blame from understanding and knowledge.
However, it’s very helpful for adult children of narcissistic parents to learn about narcissism, how it shows up in parents, and how it impacted them growing up and as adults. It’s healing to learn that your struggles, such as doing things for others at your own expense, are shared by other adult children of narcissistic parents.
This type of knowledge lifts the weight of stigma and self-blame, which only makes people feel worse about themselves. In addition, when people can make sense of their parents’ narcissism they can create realistic expectations for their parents, if they are still alive, rather than hoping that things will magically change and then feeling frustrated and disappointed when they don’t. This doesn’t mean that adult children shouldn’t feel angry, disappointed, or many emotions regarding their parents. It’s just that understanding and knowledge helps them make sense of their relationship and learn new ways to thrive and manage that critical voice, rather than feeling stuck with it. Blame generally leads to feeling stuck.
How can people recognize unhealthy relationships and ways to cope with them?
In an unhealthy relationship, you feel unsafe, unheard, and unseen. There are minimal or no healthy boundaries; your partner doesn’t respect your privacy, or need for independence or autonomy. Your partner doesn’t value what’s important to you and support you. Communication is poor. When you tell your partner what you think, feel, or need, your partner becomes defensive, won’t listen, or turns the tables back on you. Not all of these behaviors need to be going on for a relationship to be unsatisfying. That would be a lot! However, you can feel discontent even if some of these behaviors occur in your relationship.
If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, you may be vulnerable to being drawn to a partner who doesn’t meet your needs. As adults, we are drawn to what feels familiar to us from our childhoods, even if what is familiar and what we experienced in our families does not feel good.
The first step in coping is becoming aware of what is happening and not blaming yourself for being in the relationship. Here are some steps:
- Think about what you do want in a relationship and in your life.
- Think about what you want from your life in general. What are your personal goals and dreams, separate from the relationship?
- Learn about assertive communication and use these strategies with your partner to see if things can better.
- Of course, if you don’t feel physically safe, seek help from a local shelter or community service group.
- Consider individual and/or couple’s therapy.
How can parents avoid passing on narcissistic caregiving patterns to their own children?
First, and most important, talk to yourself with compassion. Some adults with narcissistic parents feel confident that they will not make the mistakes that their parents did. Others are full of self-doubt and self-criticism. It’s understandable that you would doubt yourself; that voice was planted there long ago. When it comes up, you can acknowledge it, and talk to yourself with support and generosity, just like you would to a friend who is suffering: “I know this is hard. You got this.”
Know that even though children “don’t come with a manual,” basic principles of how to raise healthy children have been established in psychology, starting with the research of psychologist Dr. Diana Baumrind in the 1960’s. Here are the basic things parents can do for their children, which are unlikely you received from your parent, at least not a regular basis:
- Love your child unconditionally; accept her for who she is, not who you want her to be.
- Listen to her, and validate her emotions.
- Set limits and rules, although be respectful of your child.
- You’ll make mistakes, such as losing your temper. All parents do. Apologize to your child and take responsibility. This is hugely healing.
- Respect your child’s independence and autonomy. Help them with things they need help. Don’t things for them they can do on their own. Allow them to make mistakes with shame or blame.
Dr. Stephanie Kriesberg is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Concord, MA. Dr. Kriesberg has nearly thirty years of experience in clinical practice and specializes in the treatment of daughters of narcissistic mothers. She also specializes in the treatment of teens and adults with anxiety disorders. Dr. Kriesberg is President-Elect of the New England Society of Clinical Hypnosis. She has been quoted in national publications for her expertise on narcissism.
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