Healthy Habits - Designing Healthy Boundaries

 Well-designed boundaries are an essential component of living a happy, healthy, and balanced life. But while you may know that boundaries are important, it can often be confusing and intimidating to understand where, when, how, and with whom to build and maintain boundaries. 

Introducing Designing Healthy Boundaries: A Guide to Embracing Self-Love, Building Better Boundaries, and Protecting Your Peace by Shainna Ali, PhD , a comprehensive guide to incorporating self-love into building your boundaries. Take control of your happiness with this all-in-one guide to identifying, setting, and—most of all—maintaining healthy boundaries with your family, coworkers, friends, partner, and self.

From the best-selling author of The Self-Love Workbook, Dr. Ali is a mental health counselor, educator, and advocate who has been featured in outlets including ABC, NBC, Yahoo, Bustle, NPR, Washington Post, and Insider. Her new book, Designing Healthy Boundaries, features interactive activities, reflection prompts, and case examples to help you explore what boundaries look like in your life and create more meaningful, rewarding connections through the art of boundaries.

“Whatever struggle you have had with boundaries in the past, just by committing to work through this book, you’re already well on your way to creating stronger bonds and boundaries,” she said. “Boundaries are essential throughout our lives and no matter how well equipped you are, they will likely need to be refined over time. When you move toward accepting this ongoing reality, you adopt a cyclical method of boundary design that helps you to love yourself throughout the journey.”

With Designing Healthy Boundaries in hand, you’ll learn that boundaries don’t always need to function as a defense system; they can be a catalyst for understanding, respect, and connection.

I had a chance to learn more in this interview.

Why is it important for people to create healthy boundaries for themselves?
Boundaries help us to protect us, as well as those around us. These parameters can promote understanding, respect, and safety. Investing in creating healthy boundaries helps to empower us to take care of ourselves and advocate for what we need to maintain a happy, healthy life.

What areas of life benefit from having boundaries set?
Boundaries tend to vary from person to person. Even as one person learns and grows, their boundaries may change over time as well.  The healthy design model is built on asking four key questions in order to understand where you may need boundaries: (1) Who am I, (2) Where do I find balance, (3) What do I believe, and (4) Where do I have the opportunity to grow? For example, someone may answer “I am a mother, wife, daughter, and friend” to number one, four roles in which they may value exploring boundaries. In reference to question two, that person may realize they need quiet time and outdoor time to feel balanced. Therefore, they could benefit from boundaries not only in those areas, but in the areas that allow for those coping strategies (e.g., social, familial, occupational, financial). As they explore question three they may realize that honesty and respect are their core values, hence, they would need boundaries in those areas, but also could benefit from seeing how those values inform their overall boundary creation. For example, when their loved ones respect their need for time alone they may feel loved. Finally, this person may recognize that they have room for growth in adhering to these boundaries personally as a support for establishing interpersonal parameters.

What is the relationship between self-love and being able to set and maintain boundaries?
We need boundaries for all healthy relationships, and that starts with the one we have with ourselves. When we foster self-love, we honor our intrinsic worth and are better able to accurately assess and assert boundaries, and in turn heal through the boundary process. This includes both the boundaries we set for ourselves in respecting others and those that we set to better honor our own selves.

A key aspect of self-love that influences how we design boundaries is self-respect. When self-respect is fostered, we are able to recognize the importance of our boundaries, learn the nuances of how we can align with our boundaries, and model how they are to be respected. Then, this provides a framework for others to do the same for us in turn. Reflecting on our intrapersonal boundaries allows us to highlight what is most important and to identify our needs—as well as how we can maintain alignment with these parameters. Further, this awareness and attunement ultimately serves as a foundation for us to better understand interpersonal boundaries, including where they are needed, how to build them, when they are encroached upon, and what to do to maintain them. Healthy boundary design and the practice of self-love are ongoing processes that span throughout the lifetime. Both are challenging yet worthwhile endeavors.

How might someone know if it's time to re-evaluate existing boundaries?
The most obvious flag that it may be time to re-evaluate a boundary is that it isn’t working. If you have a boundary that is constantly being disrespected by you, others, or both, that’s a pretty clear indicator that it needs reevaluation. On the opposite hand altogether, healthy boundaries will not last a lifetime in their current state. That’s somewhat like investing in healthy nutrition, exercise, and rest this year and hoping that you can coast for the rest of your life. This annual investment will certainly help for years to come, however, upkeep is needed on the basis of context at minimum, and boundaries are similar.