Book Nook - Exodai (Author Interview)

Note - This book deals with mature themes of BDSM.

From the author: “This is a story about coming to terms with (and learning to love) who you are. I believe EXODAI will be of value not just to LGBTQ+ and BDSM communities, but to all individuals who have been ostracized/abused during their adolescence and/or whose lack of self-love is sabotaging their adult lives. It’s also an intriguing peek behind the curtain of Tokyo’s exotic and sometimes shocking BDSM underworld, as well as one girl’s discovery of a spiritual dynamic therein.”

Elizabeth’s drives and desires have always been unusual. Beginning in early childhood, her need for love and suffering took her from the prim surroundings of a Norfolk girls’ school to the secret, latex-clad, rope-bound, whip-lashed delights of the Tokyo BDSM scene.

 

For Elizabeth, torture was not about sexual gratification – it was about love. In this frank and open memoir, she tells the story of a remarkable personal journey. Attracted to other girls from an early age, Elizabeth struggled to come to terms with her sexuality. As a schoolgirl, her fantasies of torture – always for the benefit of whichever girl she was in love with – were rooted in her own inability to accept herself as a lesbian or reconcile her desires with her Christian beliefs. Before finally realising that connection, Elizabeth would go through years of emotional and physical pain.

 

Having experimented with bondage at university, Elizabeth discovered S&M when her career as a high-flying headhunter took her to Tokyo. There she was inducted into the BDSM scene and learnt what real S&M was all about. When she fell in love with a gorgeous Japanese dominatrix called Tomo and became her slave, she began a descent into hell. Tomo proved to be an irredeemable sadist who took torture far beyond the accepted limits of S&M. Elizabeth went to the brink of destruction for Tomo. Not for the faint-hearted, this gripping memoir describes what she experienced there and how she found her way back.

 I had a chance to learn more in this interview.

Why did you write this book?

 

All through my life, I have kept diaries. When I was going through more stressful or traumatic experiences, I found the process of journaling to be extremely cathartic. Meanwhile, I always thought I would publish my stories one day, but it was not until my relationship with Tomo – a sadistic Japanese dominatrix – that I finally felt compelled to turn my diaries into a book.

 

Curiously, back in 2012, even before the relationship with Tomo had properly begun, I “knew” I should write the story. At the time, I was quite a devout Christian living in Dubai. One day, I read a homily in my Bible study handbook that told me almost prophetically that I would have to go through a lot of suffering in order to help others by writing about my struggles. It was as if God was pointing his finger at me, and I knew intuitively that the suffering would come in my relationship with Tomo. This emboldened me to keep a careful record of events as they unfolded. I was with Tomo for almost two years and, indeed, it did turn out to be an incredibly tortuous experience, both mentally and physically.

 

The relationship ended in late 2014. I was exhausted and penniless, but I was determined to start the process of turning hundreds of pages of diary notes into a readable manuscript. In fact, writing EXODAI became very therapeutic. As the book evolved, it became clear I should expand the book to cover the whole story of why I didn’t love myself, why I allowed myself to be tortured, and how I finally came to terms with my sexuality.

 

Now that the book is written and published, I hope that EXODAI will give a relatable voice to the pain that many members of the LGBTQ+ community feel in living with their sexuality and learning to love themselves. I also want to raise awareness of what we are doing to our youth by alienating them, or by not allowing them to be true to themselves. Most of all, I want my book to give direction to people who are in situations of abuse (whether in the workplace or at home), perhaps because they were ostracised or bullied at a young age. I want to bring light to those who are in denial and encourage them to embrace who they are.

 

Why is it important to de-stigmatize the different ways that people can experience sexual pleasure?

 

It’s true that for the uninitiated, there is a stigma attached to BDSM – that it’s deviant, perverted, sordid, even evil. I think the main reason for the stigmatization is a fundamental fear of the unknown. Kink and fetishes are often unusual, but that doesn’t mean they are deviant. With EXODAI, I’d really like to open the eyes of the reader to show them that BDSM is multi-faceted, magnificent, and even spiritual at times. The problem with stigmatized thinking is that it projects shame and embarrassment onto those who practise alternative sexual activities, such that they are inclined to keep their interests and activities secret, or worse still, they are prevented from exploring what is quite natural to them. Everyone should be entitled to be at one with themselves, and explore who they are and what turns them on without judgment.

 

In fact, it’s the same with sexuality. For years – decades even – I felt awful about being a lesbian and internalised a lot of self-hatred, because I was made to feel unnatural during my adolescence. On the other hands, my interest in BDSM came from innate interests that I was able to explore as an adult when I was living in Tokyo. Luckily for me, I found a BDSM community that was not at all judgmental and who nurtured me lovingly. In fact, the majority of people I’ve met on the BDSM scene – in both Tokyo and London – have been compassionate, wise, and enlightened individuals.

 

Why are love and forgiveness so important?

 

Many of my past relationships have been “co-dependent.” By that I mean that the relationship was built on need rather than love. Co-dependent partners tend to plug into each other’s internal demons and feel a euphoric fusion, but the reality is that they are both feeding the dark side of their psyches. The ideal relationship is “inter-dependent” and built on love. Regardless of the type of relationship, love and forgiveness are always central. In all relationships, we have the opportunity to grow, but in a co-dependent relationship we have an equal opportunity to decline. If we respond to situations with a hostile and selfish attitude then we will certainly regress, but if we respond with love and forgiveness we will grow. By applying love and forgiveness, the situation will always yield fruit: either the situation ameliorates, or a new approach is revealed.

 

Why is it important to allow room for self-expression and exploration in young adults, particularly in terms of sexuality?

 

It’s my fundamental belief that we should allow people to be true to themselves. I knew from a very young age that I was a lesbian, but based on traditional societal views and the ostracization of my friends (who told me I had a “problem”), I internalized shame, guilt, and self-loathing over my sexuality. That self-disgust penetrated my psyche and festered. I became hardwired to attract toxic and dis-functional relationships, and my subconscious seemed to set me up consistently for failure. It took me until the age of 44 to unwind and peel off all those layers of self-hatred (basically, most of my adult working life)! Without that completely unnecessary self-loathing, my life could have been so much happier. I despair to see how so many members of the LGBTQ+ community still have to conceal or camouflage their true identity in order to fit in with the bigots around them. We folk are great, beautiful, loving people. Such alienation is muting us from achieving our true potential and our happiness! And for this reason, it’s my mission to dispel the fearful myth that being gay is an abomination to God. After all, it is mainly religion that perpetuates this appalling misinterpretation about natural human life.