I recently had a chance to interview counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin, who holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach, and therapist, about family vacations.
HOW CAN FAMILIES HELP KIDS MANAGE EXPECTATIONS FOR VACATIONS?
In psychology there is a theory called Schema theory. Essentially, it is how the brain organizes thoughts and ideas about a certain experience. In the case of holidays, there is an abundance of glossy brochures and smiley, happy family scenes online or on TV and that informs what our children (and ourselves) expect of a family holiday. So, dispel the myths!
Get real. Explain that the journey is long, and they may get hot and tired so take water and extra activities for along the way. Colluding with the industry fantasy does you no favours.
Discuss ground-rules. The chances are that you have guidelines for behaviour in the home so have a discussion about what you expect on holiday. You may want to adjust but there will be some non-negotiables, no doubt. Guidelines around phone and device rules are especially important.
Make it clear that you expect your children to be kind and respectful to you and one another and to try to sort out their sibling differences without spoiling the holiday for others. They may be grumpy and annoying and defiant and all that results from the chemical cocktail that is growing up. Part of their job is to test you – home and away – so please resist the urge to react as it’s likely to leave you feeling depleted.
Celebrate the little wins. If it matters to your child, make an effort to let them know it matters to you. You may be wanting a gorgeous hotel pool or fresh towels daily but if your child is thrilled by the elevator – then make that into a celebrated memory.
Check in with them. Take the time to ask how they are doing and what was their favourite/least favourite part of the day/week/holiday. Ask them what was behind their answers.
Leave them be. Please don’t micro-manage their happiness. If they enjoy a moment, great stuff, but if they think you are disappointed that they are disappointed then everyone remembers all the disappointment.
Say no. If, on the holiday, you cannot afford something or do not have the energy to stay up another 3 hours then say so. We help our children in the long run by setting boundaries. Distress tolerance is a part of growing up so please educate your children in understanding that, sometimes in life, we just don’t get what we want.
Give them some credit. If the adult or adults on the trip need a rest, then say so. Children understand that you get tired and are happy to cuddle and sit close by you if you need a break. You may need to be firm but if you are authentic with your feelings, they will, in time, be equally equipped to be authentic with theirs.
WHAT IS SOMETHING PARENTS OFTEN OVERLOOK WHEN PLANNING VACATIONS?
Their own behaviour. In terms of a stressor, holidays are up there! Something that does not always get discussed – and it is ok to do so – is the difference in levels of control on holiday. Often, a family has not had an extended period of together time since the last planned getaway, and it takes some time to adjust.
With expectations high, and tolerance for the demands of the family and new places, low, it can lead to miserable scenes. So, be gentle with yourselves and kind to each other. You may rule the roost in the office but when one child is sick and the other two crawling on the airplane floor, it is ok to feel a bit out of control, anxious and frustrated, but try to manage those feelings, responsibly.
Plan shared responsibilities ahead of the holiday. Agree what will be done by whom and allow for some flexibility as well as fairness.
If you do get overtired and snap. Apologise. Try not to say too much because things cannot be unsaid. It is ok to say you are tired and irritable and that you need to check yourself. You are no less of a loving parent because you are 100% human. Model come backs from feeling out of sorts.
Finally, focus on treating each other with love and respect and show that you appreciate one another. Try to do this at all times and not just in front of the children for appearances sake. If you are a lone parent on holiday – give yourself the credit for doing all that you do and treat yourself with the love and respect, you deserve.
HOW CAN FAMILIES PLAN HOLIDAYS THAT HELPS MEET EACH FAMILY MEMBER’S NEEDS?
One effective way – at the planning stage – is to ask each member of the family for one thing they would like to do during the holiday. Know what you can afford in terms of time and money and offer an age-appropriate range of options. It could be as simple as visiting an ice cream parlour or cake shop or as adventurous as jet-skiing. Even if everyone does not want to take part it is important that each choice is supported. If a parent or guardian needs a few hours to relax, try and find a way to make this happen – as long as it is not leaving the heavy lifting to anyone else in the group – that usually works.
The simple stuff is often the best. When everyone has busy schedules, eating, talking, listening, and laughing together, without rushing, is often a big hit. Loving adults make for an enjoyable time for all. Sharing sunsets, sunrises, fresh air, and star gazing are wonderful ways to relax and really, really hard to beat. You may have your grumpy 14-year-old moan every step of the way but when they are older, they will remind you of the time you all sat on the beach and listened to the waves.
HOW CAN FAMILIES PLAN TRAVEL THAT HELPS MEET EACH FAMILY MEMBER’S NEEDS?
Realistically, it’s unlikely that where the actual journey is concerned that all needs can be met equally. That’s just how it is sometimes. In this case planning is about identifying priorities and getting everyone to contribute and help the most dependant and vulnerable.
It really is ok for everyone going on the journey to have a conversation in advance about what they need and ask for others to consider it. Compromise will be inevitable, but listening is an important device in these situations. Spreading the heavy lifting is really important so that everyone can get a break. Do not underestimate the gains in asking the children to pitch in. It’s amazing what they can do when you give them credit. You may need to remind them from time to time but please acknowledge their capabilities. And try not to be too harsh if they don’t do it or forget.
Sometimes, you may need to modify your travel to manage the shape and demands of your family and children at the time. Being over ambitious can spectacularly backfire. Ease the pressure when it comes to travel itself and take breaks on a journey, keep supplies close to hand on the plane or train and say no to family who may want you to stop by on your way. If it adds to your stress, it’s ok to hold your boundaries.
Parenting can be exhausting home or away - that’s the truth – so cut yourself some slack and look after each other and yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment