Parenting Pointers - Raising Happy, Secure Kids After Divorce: The Co-Parenting Guide Every Parent Needs

 

By: Stephanie Wijkstrom, MS, LPC, NBCC, CEO and founder of The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh

A good part of my career revolves around helping couples nurture their relationships and avoid divorce. It’s always deeply gratifying to help families heal from issues and grow closer together. But I’ve also walked with many parents through the process of “uncoupling.” In some situations, the healthiest outcome is for two people to part ways. When that happens, my biggest priority becomes supporting them through their processing and grief, especially their children, and ushering them toward their transition into a new kind of ‘modern family’ life.

These are four main strategies I’ve found crucial in helping parents keep a sense of unity and stability for their children, no matter how difficult the split might be.

The First Conversation: How to Tell Your Kids About the Divorce

I know one of the toughest moments in life is when parents sit down to tell their children about an impending divorce. Although emotions run high—especially if the divorce isn’t mutual—it’s important to address this sensitive topic with calm, loving honesty when addressing this with children. Ideally, both parents will break the news together. I’ve seen how a united approach can reassure children that they’re still loved by both parents.

Wherever possible, avoid blaming or “side-blaming” the other parent. Children don’t need to shoulder adult conflicts or feel they must choose sides. In fact, I’ve found that even if one parent initiates the divorce, it’s best to keep those details out of your kids’ earshot. Instead, focus on messages that promote attachment and security to remind them that neither parent is going anywhere. If the children are young, you might say something like, “We both love you, and we’re always going to work together to take care of you, even though we won’t all live in the same house.”

Keep in mind your child’s developmental stage. Young children might show their confusion through regressive behaviors, like suddenly wanting a pacifier again or refusing to sleep alone. Tweens or adolescents, on the other hand, may clam up and pretend everything is fine. Tailor your explanation in a way they can understand, and assure them their feelings are valid.

Building a Schedule That Works for Your Child

The logistical side of co-parenting can also be a challenge. Parents argue over seemingly small details, such as weekend pickups, school events, and holiday visits. Some might even have the impulse to withhold contact with the children to hurt the other parent. Consistent and frequent contact with both parents is always best for the children. Children need frequent and meaningful connections with both caregivers, and children crave consistency.

Ideally, parents collaborate amicably and create an organized schedule that meets the needs of the children and respects both parent’s individual work and personal schedules well in advance. I know from experience that it’s not always easy. This is where technology can help. Simple shared spreadsheets, as well as tools like the “OurFamilyWizard” app, allow parents to share calendars, request schedule changes, and even give attorneys or mediators access to see communication and resolve disputes. Think of these tools as neutral “facilitators” that can help keep everyone accountable and on track. 

Regardless of the method you use, keep your child’s age, activities, and emotional needs at the forefront. Kids need predictable routines to anchor them during a time of change, so try to work out a plan that feels equitable and stable. 

Don’t Put Your Kids in the Middle

It’s common for divorcing parents to have unresolved anger or resentment toward each other. But children should never become emotional referees. I’ve counseled many families who accidentally made their kids the “go-between,” relaying bitter messages from one parent to the other. Some parents even try to use their children to make last-ditch efforts to reunite with their divorced partner. These are selfish behaviors and instead create unnecessary stress, confusion, and disappointment for the child.

Instead, lean on a support group or even a close friend outside the immediate family to vent those raw feelings. But the best person to run to is always a therapist, a neutral third party who can help you process negative emotions so you don’t pass them on to your kids—especially since children often feel guilty or responsible when tension arises.

Watch for Signs Your Child is Struggling

Divorce is considered an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE). Research shows that the more ACEs a child accumulates, the higher their risk for mental health issues, academic struggles, and even a shorter life expectancy. That sounds alarming, I know. But here’s the silver lining: a single adverse experience doesn’t doom your child. With the right support, children can be incredibly resilient.

Also, watch for warning signals. Younger kids might complain more about tummy aches, headaches, or struggle with nightmares. Older kids and teens could become withdrawn, irritable, or lose interest in activities they once loved. If you notice these signs, consider professional help. Traditional talk therapy isn’t your only option if you’re not comfortable to talk about things. Many centers offer art therapy, play therapy, or other creative modalities that can give kids a safe, age-appropriate outlet for their emotions.

Co-Parenting Can Actually Make Your Child Stronger

Effective co-parenting can help children become resourceful, empathetic, and adaptable. When you model healthy communication and emotional honesty, you show your kids that conflicts (even major ones like divorce) can be navigated with respect and compassion. Divorce can also be an opportunity to show your child how it looks to lose a relationship and move on in a mature and healthy way. Divorce, once accepted and processed, can also usher you toward a healthier and happier future.

Above all, remember that co-parenting is a journey. There may be bumps along the road, and even the most amicable parents will have moments of frustration. But I genuinely believe that prioritizing your child’s well-being over any lingering personal resentments allows you to create a supportive, stable foundation. Years from now, your child may look back on the divorce not as a traumatic event but as an example of how two caring adults found a way to work together.

After all, the ultimate goal is to have happy and secure kids who know they’re deeply loved by both parents. Even if your marriage ends, your commitment to your child’s emotional health should endure for a lifetime.