Over 48 million Americans (roughly 1 in 6) battle a substance use disorder. Over 21 million adults struggle with co-occurring mental illness alongside substance abuse. Despite these figures, less than 25% of individuals who need treatment receive it. It’s clear that reducing the stigma around mental health and addiction is paramount. [Source]
Ann Marie Farino is a speaker for the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention and a philanthropist whose son Richard struggled with a substance abuse disorder and died by suicide.
“My compassion for my son grew as I understood drug addiction from different angles,” Farino says. “The disease affects the brain’s reward system, decision-making, behavior, and self-control. As users build a tolerance, they need more of the drug to feel normal. Normal was how Richard described feeling when he was on drugs.”
Farino details the journey of losing her Richard in Chronic Chaos: A Son’s Addiction, a Mother’s Love, and Her Quest to Find Joy. Farino fostered wholeness and devotion to her family: she was the ideal mother and wife. Until the unspeakable occurred, turning her life upside down. She sought to understand the complexities of addiction and mental illness and to heal her heart.
I had a chance to learn more in this interview.
What were some of the initial signs that pointed to your son's struggles with depression and substance abuse?
“The initial sign occurred when he was six. My husband and I were headed out for a date night and had a sitter. Richard decided he didn’t like the sitter, grabbed his Hobby Horse and plunged its stick through a bay window in our living room. For some reason, the sitter didn’t bother to call to tell us but as it happened we returned home early. I was on the walkway when I saw Richard’s arm through the hole in the window, waving and calling ‘Hi Mommy!’ I mean can you imagine? Somehow, I managed not to panic, hurried inside and carefully extracted his arm from the shattered glass of the window. It was only after my husband and I hugged Richard and began to gently ask him questions, that he showed any fear about what he had done.
Richard’s behavior escalated through elementary school. I mean, sometimes he and his friends were involved in pranks, sometimes it was much more concerning behavior. At one point, he and a friend were goofing off and saying they were going to make crank calls and prank authorities, call hotlines, 911, that sort of thing. His teacher overheard and called the dean who called my husband and I in for a meeting about the various ways Richard was acting out. After a few more pranks, Richard was sent to military school from seventh through eighth grade. Unfortunately, the older cadets taught him how to smoke pot, gave him cigarettes, and taught him how to drive a car. He was 12 years old!
The education system was always a trigger for him. He said he felt like he was in a black hole while he was there, that he was falling and failing and couldn’t catch up. We got him tutors but that wasn’t the issue, not really. He got him a therapist, which helped but not enough. The school system just wasn’t a good fit for my boy.
What is the current landscape of addiction treatment options in the US?
It’s been sixteen years since I’ve had to navigate the addiction treatment system. I can recommend hiring a good educational consultant. They assist families in locating resources, schools, and therapeutic programs.
How can families find support after the loss of a child — and why doesn't that grief have to be the only thing that defines a family moving forward?
There are a number of really good options for support. I think the bigger issue is allowing oneself to recognize one’s own limitations and accept help. To be willing to move beyond the pain and into what might come next. The pain of losing a child—that’s a wound that stays with you for life. But it doesn’t mean you can be joyful again. You are alive and must keep living. I believe that. When we live, we honor those whose lives were cut short.
People often don't know what to say when loss comes up in conversation. What are some ways that people can respond thoughtfully, and how does it change depending on whether the grief is fresh or has been carried for longer?
Stop talking after you say “I’m sorry.” That’s my advice. Most people fumble and end up saying something that is inadvertently hurtful. So just say that you’re sorry and then take action. Don’t worry about bothering them and don’t ask if there’s anything you can do. Just send a card, drop off a meal, sit quietly with them. Hold space and let them have their emotions. These are the most meaningful acts of love you can engage in when someone is grieving.
Ann Marie Farino has three children—two on earth and one in heaven. In June of 2016, her son, Richard, died by suicide. Ann Marie speaks to audiences of all ages about addiction, suicide, grief, and the millions of moments that remind us we are not alone.
A noted philanthropist, she committed to service when she was fifteen, and her passion continues. Ann Marie is a volunteer speaker for the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention speaker series, has served Illinois Club for Catholic Women; The Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide Project of Chicago; and Loyola University, among others.
A former professional interior designer, she is also a real estate broker with the Trace Team, who have exponentially grown their business each year to become one of the top-producing teams in Illinois. Ann Marie divides her time between a home in Chicago and one near Miami.
Connect with Ann Marie Farino:
Website: annmariefarino.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/
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