As we gather for the
special events and other times around family dinner tables, we hope to relive happy
times, renew relationships and catch up with loved ones. However, there are
times when family gatherings bring more than their fair share of challenging
moments.
Fortunately, there are some
principles of good communication that can help us renew relationships and even
make a fresh start with ones that were damaged in the past. As a senior program
leader with Landmark, I’ve taught hundreds of thousands of people around the
world how to improve their communication skills. In this position and previous
ones working to combat AIDS and hunger, I have found language and communication
are key to helping people achieve breakthrough results in their lives,
relationships and work.
Conversely, miscommunication
is at the heart of many of our problems. Our language and our past experiences
shape how we experience the world. If you grew up in a household where you
heard constant criticism, you might find that you often misinterpret things
other people tell you as critical, even when they’re not meant to be.
If you are at the family
dinner table and a relative says something that triggers hurt feelings,
remember this: What gives you your experience of life or evokes your emotions
are not the events in life themselves, but the interpretation your mind
attaches to those events.
Here are some tips for using
language to heal relationships at family reunions and other gatherings:
- Practice noticing when you’re upset or
irritated.
- Work on separating what someone says from your
interpretation of what they said.
- Be generous with the people. Have more attention
on others than yourself.
A key is to understand that
the things we say—both out loud and to ourselves—shape our emotions and how we
see the world and view others. Clear, effective communication requires us to
hear what is really being said, as opposed to what we may add to what is said
based on our experiences or our view of life. It is this distinguishing of
what’s really been said from what is added that gives us real power.
Remember the way other
people treat you now or how they treated you in the past does not determine
your self-worth. Distinguish who you are at the core of your being from your
experiences, and live in that “domain of being.” Consider also that language
can be used not just to describe and discuss the world around us, but also to
create new possibilities and relationships.
Most people think they can
only tell another person “I love you” if they have all of the emotions and all
of the experience of love. But you can also say “I love you” and create the
experience and feelings of loving as you say it. Try this the next time you are
with your family members, even those you have a difficult time loving. If we
consciously use our words in this way, they can be a positive force to help us
build better relationships and strengthen our family ties.
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About the Author: David Cunningham, M.Ed., is a communication expert and seminar leader for
Landmark, a personal and professional growth, training and development company
that's had more than 2.2 million people use its programs to cause breakthroughs
in their personal lives as well as in their communities, generating more than
100,000 community projects around the world. In The Landmark Forum, Landmark's
flagship program, people cause breakthroughs in their performance,
communication, relationships and overall satisfaction in life. For more
information, please visit www.LandmarkWorldwide.com.
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