Rabbi
Dr. Roger Herst
Wait,
don’t give advice. Just sit back and watch the interaction of other parents
with their kids. Yes, that’s right. Watch others dispassionately. And what do
you observe? Do you see these parents lecturing to their kids with desirable
results? Do you see the children listening intently to their parents and then
taking their orders, or their advice? Do you observe great success in this
method?
Of
course, not. Now put yourself into the picture. Try barking orders to you kids.
Do this; don’t do that! Do you see young eyes fixed on you, eagerly drinking in
your words of wisdom? Do you witness them moving immediately to follow your instructions.
Frankly, I don’t think so.
Now
for a moment back off and observe how animals bring up their youngsters. Do
birds talk to their progeny? Or dogs, or cats, or deer? Of course not. They are
not blessed with language so they play the old game of “Show and Tell.” Geese,
for example, will teach their goslings incrementally. They will take them to a
grassy field and start feeding. The goslings imitate them eating grass. Then
they’re taken to a pond for a swimming lesson. The parents enter the water and
paddle on the water. Their kids watch what Mon and Dad do, then follow suit.
That’s got to impress any parents.
Human
parents are usually frustrated when their kids don’t listen to them. But
they’re not frustrated when their children imitate what they’ve seen them do.
My father played the piano by ear. As a children I would sit next to him, and
over the next decades learned to duplicate his piano techniques. He was a quiet
man who never gave me instructions. But what he did, I imitated. Today I can
play piano by ear.
If
good parents rely less upon speech and more upon setting models for imitation
they will be more satisfied with the result. Adult good table manners beget good
child manners. Courteous speech begets courteous speech. Good hygiene begets
good hygiene. But be advised, imitation is not immediate. It takes time,
sometime many years. But it works!
About Roger E. Herst
Roger
E. Herst, author of “A Simple Formula for Raising Happy Children” (rogerherst.com), is an ordained Reform rabbi with MBA and doctorate degrees. A father
and grandfather, Herst regularly engages with parents in the form of Platonic
dialogue – a cooperative Q-&-A approach meant to stimulate critical
thinking – to yield logic-based solutions for raising happy children.
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