When a baby is born addicted to heroin because of an addicted mother and is transferred to a loving foster home, then bounced back via a highly publicized court case to the unfit birth parents, any sense of normalcy seems unlikely for the child. Likewise, when a young privileged boy grows up with a high society, full blown alcoholic mother whose disease kills her at 42, his chances of a normal life are slim as well.
Sometimes the past doesn't always stay in the past. In The Painting and the Piano: An Improbable Story of Survival and Love, John Lipscomb and Adrianne Lugo tell the story of how the demons of their respective biological mothers tore their young lives apart. Despite their contrasting upbringings, they share tragic childhoods that damaged each of them to the cores of their psyches and emotional well-being and resulted in addiction.
John and Adrianne had to endure the painful toll that alcohol, drugs, and a negligent court system wreaked on them, and were in the depths of despair and slowly dying of addiction. Instead of falling to darkness, John and Adrianne reached for the light and began their respective journeys of healing, which led to a serendipitous meeting, falling in love and building a shared life with the goal of helping others in need.
I had a chance to interview the two to learn more about their story.
You both had very different experiences growing up, but what impact did your parents' drug/alcohol use have on your childhood?
1) Adrianne: Drugs and alcohol had no impact on my life until the age of 10 when I was forced to live with my biological parents. Their lives were so different from what I had become accustomed to. They would stay up until all hours in the night and sleep until late in the morning. y sister and I were forced to cook and feed ourselves. There were constant fights, screaming, death threats and physical abuse. The apartment in Brooklyn was filthy. The dogs were allowed to go to the bathroom in the house, there were 10 cats at a time. Such a contrast to my nice clean home on Long Island.
I was abused both physically and emotionally by my heroin addicted Mother and scared to death each time I came home from school of what condition she might be in. I took my time coming home not sure if I was going to be struck or see her passed out.
There were many nights were my biological Mother, Elaine, would get drunk and would start slamming cabinet doors and there were other nights that she never returned home. Eventually the alcohol and drugs took their toll and she died from liver failure, she was 47 years old.
The impact lasted for years and eventually I became my Mother addicted to drugs and alcohol. On July 11th I celebrated 12 years of sobriety. It has been quite a journey. I was in therapy for years and years and today I sponsor women and still attend 2-3 AA meetings a week.
John: Up to age nine my Mother, who was the alcoholic in our family, was really kept away from me. I asked my Father about this a few years back because I really have very few memories of her as a child and he told me that she was put to bed by either himself or our nanny, Lizzy, before dinner. So as a young child I was not really exposed to her alcoholism. However it did create serious abandonment issues that I had to address once I got into recovery. Actually in our book, The Painting and The Piano, my breakthrough or burning bush if you will was the start of my path to recovery. I wrote a letter to my Mother never realizing the anger, resentment and loss I felt. Right after writing and reading the letter in front of my outpatient group I felt this enormous grey cloud lift off of my shoulders and to this day I have not had a compulsion or desire to drink and that was 18 ½ years ago
When I was 9 my Mother and Father divorced and my Mother was sent away for treatment and didn’t return for approximately 5 years. had very little contact with her during those 5 years. She returned when I was 14 and remarried to another active alcoholic.
There was a custody hearing and the judge decided that my brother and sister should live with my Mother and I could live with my Father except on the weekends I would stay at my Mother’s home.
Most of the memories of my Mother in my teenage years are of her passed out on the couch in her urine soaked nightgown. Not one of my friends ever met my Mother, including girlfriends.
When I was 22 I received a phone call from home that my Mother had fallen and hit her head on the fireplace hearth. This was not an unusual event except this time she was in a coma. She passed away a few days later at age 47.
What’s amazing about my story is that even after witnessing absolutely horrible and horrifying events, I turned into my Mother. I even remember to this day the exact spot I was standing when I looked down on her passed out on the couch and pronounced to the world that I would never become her, not an alcoholic.
Even as I made that pronouncement I was on my way to 25 years of addiction. The difference is that last January 5th I celebrated 18 years of sobriety.
I still sponsor men and continue going to AA meetings.
What support systems are available for children impacted by parental drug/alcohol use?
Alateen which is part of the Al-Anon Family Groups is a worldwide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the family and friends of alcoholics. Alateen, probably the best know program, is a fellowship somewhat run like Alcoholics Anonymous that is designed for younger children through teen years.
Also the National Association For Children Of Addiction, http://www.nacoa.org, is a large powerful group that gives children a voice. Their mission statement is; to eliminate the adverse impact of alcohol and drug use on children and families. Their vision; is a world in which no child who struggles because of family addiction will be left unsupported.
Both of these groups are nationally and internationally recognized. Sadly to say nothing like this existed when we were children.
More and more today children are in some kind of self or group therapy, which seems to be helping as well.
Why is the current foster care/adoption system so limited?
The Foster Care and Adoption systems are limited for many reasons. For one, the Foster Care system has always been in place with the thought of reuniting the child with their biological parents even if it is not in the best interest of the child. Obviously, not always a very good decision, especially in my case.
The other issue currently is that right now the Foster Care system is overwhelmed due to the opiate crises. Foster Care agencies can’t possibly keep up with the children being put into Foster Care either by the addicted parents or by the court system. Babies are also being born addicted, like myself when I was born addicted to Heroin, in overwhelming numbers.
How can people help support children who have been impacted by alcohol or drug use?
Obviously financial assistance is needed by all organizations. If there is any kind of insurance it doesn’t come close to covering the costs associated with this terrible situation.
What we have been hearing more and more is to become a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL), which is a person the court appoints to investigate what solutions would be in the best interests of the children. The GAL will look into the family situation and advise the court on things like:
a) Where the children should live most of the time
b) Whether the child is being harmed by a parent’s substance abuse and what contact the children should have with a parent.
They also need financial assistance.
More so in Adrianne’s case than in John’s she was put into a toxic environment because the children’s best interest was not taken into consideration. Sadly even today, this situation still exists.
There are cases in the courts today that you can follow and please sign petitions to not allow children to be taken from their homes or foster homes where they are safe and protected.
Finally, just be aware of your neighbors or even your family and friends. We like to say if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, then it is probably a duck. Say something to the authorities to avert something terrible from happening.
About The Authors:
John Lipscomb and Adrianne Lugo have each celebrated over a decade of sobriety. Both are fully immersed in the South Florida recovery community and John has been on the board of several men's recovery homes. John has brought AA program meetings into prison and, with Catholic Church Ministries, worked with men and women in maximum security prison including those on death row. Adrianne worked for a recovery home company, sponsors women in AA, and both authors blog about recovery. Adrianne also worked with prisoners on death row and has been interviewed about recovering from opiate addiction. She was born addicted to heroin and was put into foster care as an infant. At the age of nine, her biological parents started a year-long court battle to get her back that made national news. Today, she works to help the public understand the foster care system and its future.
Available wherever books are sold, or to order directly from the publisher, contact:www.hcibooks.com
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