What effect does Facebook have on social development?
On the positive side, social media can help kids who know one another face-to-face connect in ways that enrich friendships and collaboration. They can share photos from family trips, birthdays, and other fun events; update one another on the work they’re doing together on school and community projects; and, if they don’t live conveniently close to one another, stay connected during summer vacations and even stay in touch when one friend moves far away.
On the not-so-positive side, social media opens the possibility of inappropriate contact from people with whom our children have no real connection, broadens the opportunity for them to be bullied or bully others, and opens the door for unhealthy comparisons on such things a body image, numbers of “friends,” and material possessions.
What are some potentially overlooked affects that social media has on other areas of child development?
The overuse of social media can potentially stunt development of the social skills necessary for face-to-face interaction. I have had colleagues tell me that they find a number of their younger new hires do not want to come to meetings because they feel far more comfortable texting and emailing. Face-to-face interaction is the currency of real human connection and we each deserve to learn the skills that make it possible.
My son, a wise young man if I do say so myself, advised his mom and me when he was 17 years old that he did not want us to get him a smart phone “because I don’t want my primary relationship to be with my phone.” Here was a young man born in 1992 who saw what was going on with his peers and didn’t want to fall into the same void.
How can parents encourage responsible media use?
I think of social media today as similar to phone use in my day. Of course, social media is like phone use on steroids, but I think the analogy has merit. My parents would not have allowed me to spend endless hours on the phone and they would certainly not have allowed me to speak with anyone with whom I did not have a real, face-to-face relationship. Also, we had encyclopedias and access to a public library back then, but neither of these offered pornography or videos of beheadings on demand. Today, parents have to work a bit harder to apply healthy restrictions on their children’s use of social media and the internet. Below are some guidelines that can help:
· Keep the computer that your child uses in a public area of your home, with the screen facing where it is visible to others.
· Restrict time on the computer and phone to a number of hours that you consider reasonable—no more than an hour each evening after school will seem more than reasonable to most parents.
· Insist that your child only communicate with people with whom they have a real, face-to-face connection.
· Consider placing an app that blocks inappropriate content on your child’s computer and phone.
· Apply a “no technology” rule during meals and conversations at home.
· Almost nothing works better when trying to help your child manage their own behavior than sharing how you go about managing your own behavior. This works far better than lecturing. Talk honestly with your child about how compelling/addictive social media can be—including for you! Explain how you manage to limit your involvement with it.
What can parents do to help break their own habits and lead by example?
You will forever rank among your child’s most prominent role models. This applies not only during their first 18 years, but for as long as you live. Your path in life will undoubtedly provide your child with inspiration as well as cautionary tales. Work hard to give them more of the former than latter. The wisest among us will apply some of the rules mentioned above to ourselves as well:
· Social media can be addictive. Set a timer for the duration that you’d like to spend online. When the timer goes off, take your hands of the keyboard, avert your eyes from the screen, stand up, and back away from the computer (Ok, I’m being a bit dramatic here, but we all know how hard disconnecting from Facebook or LinkedIn can be sometimes).
· Connect online only with people who you actually know. As in “I’ve met this person at least once—face-to-face, not on video stream; actually in the same room with him or her”. Or, perhaps in some cases, “I’ve had a longstanding phone and email working relationship with them.”
· Put your phone aside during any meal you’re sharing with another person. Any conversation with your children or other family members, and all other times when engaged in communication with another person or persons in your physical presence. And no furtive glances at your computer either.
· If you find yourself losing time due to social media overuse, maybe losing sleep, time better spent with your family members, or time you should be devoting to work; and you have difficulty shifting into another activity even when you’d very much like to disconnect from the internet, you may be on your way to addiction. In this case, be honest with yourself, listen to loved ones, and consider getting help from a professional therapist and/or twelve-step program. There is no shame in having a problem, but it can be a great loss for you and all whom love you if you don’t take responsibility for getting help when you need it. The willingness to ask for help, after all, is a sign of strength and one of life’s most important skills.
Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio (www.greengateleadership.com) is a family therapist, author, speaker, and corporate health and wellness leader with 30 years’ experience in the arena of personal, family, organizational and community empowerment. He is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and Senior Professional in Human Resources (SPHR). The author of four books including his latest, Simple Habits of Exceptional (But Not Perfect) Parents, Ken has also written numerous articles and text chapters in the family therapy literature.
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