Parenting Pointers: Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse and Harassment

The continuing news cycle of sexual abuse from powerful Hollywood producers and actors to politicians  and comedians brings the subject of abuse to the forefront of national discussions. However, the facts are still staggering: one in four girls will experience sexual abuse by the time she is sixteen, and 48 percent of all rapes involve a young woman under the age of eighteen and 96 percent who abuse are male perpetrators. It’s not surprising then, that in a society where sexual abuse of young women is rampant – from Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey to most recently Louis C.K. and now Charlie Rose  – many women still never share their stories. The #metoo campaign has been an encouraging force to help women share – and now they are.
 
But, how do we help both the girls and women who have come forward and those that are still silent and frightened to have their voice known? They, not the abusers, are where we need to focus attention and offer help.
 
Enter: Dr. Patti Feuereisen, author of the best-selling book Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse, an award-winning psychotherapist who has been counseling sexual abuse survivors for over 30 years. Dr. Patti also trains staff who work with sex abuse survivors, speaks at colleges and high schools, runs workshops around the country, is a speaker for Take Back The Night and runs programs for foster and adoptive parents.

In her pioneering work with young survivors through the last three decades, Dr. Patti has
found that girls who start to talk about their sexual abuse and bring it out into the open will get better, heal and thrive. In 2006, Dr. Patti founded the only organization to honor teen girls and young women incest and sex abuse survivors through what she calls thriverships (scholarships), Girlthrive Inc. Through her non-profit foundation website, book and philanthropic efforts, Dr. Patti continues to help thousands of girls help themselves all over the world.

I had a chance to interview Dr. Patti to learn more.

First of all let me say that I am so happy that a mothering blog is asking these questions. I believe that mothers are the answers to saving girls and all children from sex abuse. I also know that starting very early with our daughters and our sons is the key to helping them to fight the pressures as they get older of being sexualized and abused by a male dominated culture. 

Why are abuse and harassment stories in the limelight so much now? Abuse and harassment stories are not new. I have been working with incest and sexually abused teen girls and young women and actually women of all ages for the past 30 years. These stories are not new. I believe that the woman’s march movement and having a president who has admitted to sexual abuse and harassment is what is inspiring women to come forward.  We are still fighting a misogynistic culture, but there seems to be bravery in numbers. 

Is abuse more common now or is it that awareness is better? Abuse is not more common now, and I would not really say the awareness is much better. The statistics are hard to come by because most sexual abuse, rape and incest is never reported. The statistics are that one in four girls will be sexually abused by her sixteenth birthday and one is six boys will be molested by his eighteenth birthday. There is more awareness, but at the same time there is much more pornography, sexual trafficking, and open objectification of girls and women. Sexual abuse and all rape against women is centuries old. In the 1970’s the woman’s movement began to encourage women to speak out about their incest and abuse experiences, and the feminist clinicians and attorneys followed. The laws started to change to attempt to protect women in the 70’s. Believe it or not, previous to the 1970’s the laws expected a witness to rape besides the rapist and the victim in order to bring a case to court. Rape kits became available to women and laws began to attempt to protect them.  

Why should healing be part of the discussion, and how can it become more prominent? Healing needs to be a huge part of the discussion. With the MeToo movement women are coming out and telling their experiences. These are not quite their full stories. They are not telling if their parents pressured them for success at any cost, if they are incest survivors, if they had zero financial backing and had to support a family. Women are not telling their back stories. These are the very important stories that in many cases brought them to being objectified and feeling that is what they deserved. Let’s define sex harassment and sex abuse. Sexual harassment can be pressure verbally to be sexual with someone, constant comments, leering, sexist, misogynistic remarks, sexual harassment creates a hostile work, school, team environment. Sexual abuse is any unwanted touch, which can range from incest which is defined as being molested by your father or other relative to having an uncle rub up against you and grab your breast. Sexual abuse is also defined any unwanted viewing of pornography, or watching someone masturbate, having your genitals, breast, or backside touched with out your consent. Healing begins when survivors feel safe to really tell their experience to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. If someone discloses their sexual abuse to you, the first words out of your mouth should be  “IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT”.  What people don’t realize is that underneath the bravery of women disclosing their sexual abuse is the feeling of guilt… 'should I have stopped him, is it my fault’ …  Thus, the healing starts with letting your friend know it is not their fault. From there you are an active listener. You let your friend know you are always open to hearing their truth.  As parents we need to tell our children from birth how precious they are and how private their bodies are. Teach children the parts of the body and that mommy and daddy and doctor with parent in the room are the only ones besides themselves that have permission to touch their body. Most importantly we must  empower our children to feel entitled to say NO when they do not want someone to touch them. The days of “kiss your auntie” “hug uncle Matt” “go give your cousin a hug” need to be over.  From a very early age children should not be forced into affection. These are just some basic touchstones to bringing up self assured girls and boys who know to say NO. 

What are some non-traditional therapy methods that can help victims heal?  Firstly I feel it is very important to call sex abuse survivors - survivors and not victims. They have survived abuse. They are alive and driving themselves to thrive in life in spite of abuse. Some sex abuse survivors are not ready for therapy and talk therapy is not always the answer to healing from sex abuse. Sometimes the first step is to call a hotline. I have known girls to call hotlines over 20 times before they are able to tell someone they know and love about their abuse. The women answering the phones are often survivors themselves and will lend an understanding ear. If you are ready for therapy make sure you click with the therapist. Some of the non traditional ways I work with survivors is that first I tell them not to tell me what has happened to them. I ask them to share the feelings around what has happened. I empower the client by letting them find the right time and way to disclose the abuse experience. I always have my little cavalier dog in the sessions sitting with the client. I have now gone  through three pups that have helped my clients heal. There are various programs around the country and in Europe that have animal therapy as their main therapy to help sex abuse survivors. Art and Movement are other forms of therapy for survivors to express themselves and heal. One of my incest survivors is a skilled Irish Step Dancer, performer and teacher. She swears that dancing has saved her life. 

Can you share a little about your non-profit and how people can get involved? I wrote  Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse- a book for teen girls young women and everyone who cares about them in 2005, second edition in 2009 out of an urgency. My experience as a therapist with sex abuse survivors of all ages made me realize that the sooner teen girls and young women acknowledged their abuse, let go of their closely held secrets, the sooner and more completely, they would heal. The women in my practice that were in their forties and fifties and sixties that never revealed their abuse were in abusive marriages, they were suicidal, their daughters were being molested. And yet the girls and young women who began their journeys of disclosing their abuse, and letting it go were able to thrive. I knew that girls and women needed to hear the stories, and know they were not alone. Simultaneously to the publication of Invisible Girls I created Girlthrive Inc.  www.Girlthrive.org  is a website where girls can write directly to me and I answer them, a website where they can email me their stories and I post them with guidance and support.  Most of all Girlthrive is the only a 501-C3 non profit  that honors girls and young women aged 13-30 who have survived incest and all sex abuse.  Girlthrive  stands for girl teens heal rape incest victoriously emerge.  Also  Girlthirve donates Invisible Girls to rape crisis centers, hospitals, prisons all over the country. The proceeds from Invisible Girls as well as donations help to award hundreds of girls with thiverships. When a sixteen year old girl from Indiana writes to me and tells me after reading Invisible Girls she told her mother about her father molesting her and now she wants to take yoga classes as her healing, Girlthrive sends her a thrivership for yoga classes. When a 19 year old survivor of rape shares her story for the first time because she has read Invisible Girls and she is in college and needs money for her academic books, Girlthrive sends her a thrivership for her academic books. Girls and young women stay in touch with me through the website. My favorite Girlthrive success story is Amber ( name changed) who I met when she was fourteen and referred to me for therapy after her arrest for prostitution. She had been sexually abused since age seven. She is now twenty-six. Girthrive has been a lifeline for Amber for the past twelve years, helping her with tuition, funding academic conferences, and the last thrivership enabled Amber to apply to thirty medical schools.  She has graduated her undergraduate degree with  honors and has been accepted into a top medical school with major scholarships. All donations to Girlthrive go directly to the girls. No-one receives salary at Girlthrive Inc. To donate go to www.girlthrive.org