Parenting Pointers: Making Sense of "It" - A Guide to Sex for Teens (and Their Parents, Too!)

Many parents today grew up with limited sex ed in their schools. There also was a lot less information about sex, sexuality, and other related topics than there is now. Our culture also isn't very open when it comes to honest discussions - although jokes and sensual images are extremely prevalent. In cultures where talking about sex happens earlier and more frequently (such as certain European countries), there are often lower pregnancy rates, in spite of a higher percentage of teens engaging in sexual behaviors.

I had a chance to review Making Sense of "It" - A Guide to Sex for Teens (and Their Parents, Too!). This book is a very no-nonsense guide written with the goal of encouraging dialogue between parents and their teens. It could work as a guide just for teens to read, or for parents to read for advice in sharing information with their students, but it's going to be most effective if both parents and teens read and discuss. There are helpful questions for parents to examine their own attitudes and values, and while it's written from a fairly open and liberal perspective, it is non-judgmental and can work for families with a variety of backgrounds and values.

I had a chance to interview author Alison Macklin to learn more.

Why is it important to write a book that targets both teens and adults?

As parents, we know we want our children to have the information and skills to make healthy decisions. Maybe we don’t want them to be sexually active right now, but at some point, we want them to have healthy and positive sexual experiences, right? According to a recent study, a lot of parents think they are having great conversations with their kids. But the kids disagree. They want to talk about it more often and they want to hear what their parents have to say. So, what’s the disconnect? Communication. Both teens and parents not only need the information, but they need help in having constructive conversations that help navigate familial values and ensure that young people feel safe in having open conversations. That they won’t be judge or feel stigmatized for normal, age appropriate curiosity.

How can parents keep the "sex talk" from being awkward?

Talking about sex early and often can help eliminate some of the awkwardness felt, especially by the parents. When we start taking about sex at an age-appropriate level early on in a child’s life, we provide that child with a strong foundation to build on. The great thing about starting early with basics like proper terminology for body parts and discussing what consent looks like with our littlest children? They aren’t embarrassed. Parents are often the ones who bring in fear, embarrassment and shame to the equation. 

If you haven’t already started talking about sex with your child – don’t stress! Any time is a good time to start. Using what you see on TV or read about or even current affairs can be a great place to get the conversation going. Ask your child their opinion. Don’t shy away from their direct questions. If you don’t know the answer tell them you don’t know and look it up. Don’t think you have to teach everything right then and there. 

Why is it helpful for parents to talk about topics beyond just safe sex (such as fantasies, sex toys, and more)?

Because, let’s face it. There is more to sex than condoms and STIs. In fact, there is a lot more. Sex should be consensual and pleasurable. Many parents believe that teaching kids about sex will only encourage them to start having sex. There is literally no data that supports this. Your child will learn about it, so why not make sure you are the one teaching them?

Why is it so important for a book on sex to include a discussion of consent and healthy relationships?

If we want our kids to have consensual and pleasurable sex and engage in healthy relationships (when they are ready), we need to ensure they have the skills and knowledge to make that a reality. To have consensual and pleasurable sex, young people need to practice respecting each other which includes knowing what giving and getting consent looks like and how to honestly communicate about what they like and don’t like to do sexually. If all we do is tell young people how to prevent pregnancy and STI transmission without any other context, we aren’t helping them develop the skills they need to navigate a relationship, set boundaries and communicate with their partner.

Alison Macklin has been with the Responsible Sex Education Institute at the Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains (PPRM) for over 14 years. Starting as an in-class educator and Program Manager, Alison is now Vice President of Education and Innovation and is responsible for the leadership of PPRM’s Education work across its four-states. Alison is an award-winning, nationally recognized leader in the field of comprehensive sex education and holds a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Denver.  She is a mother of two who lives in Colorado and enjoys exploring the outdoors, travelling and reading.