Book Nook: The Buddha at My Table - How I Found Peace in Betrayal and Divorce

It is incredibly difficult to imagine. Shortly before the holiday season, your spouse calls you to the dining room table to talk; but instead of sorting through gift lists or discussing family dinner plans, they reveal that your entire marriage has been a lie. They have been unfaithful for the entirety of it, and with your three children sleeping upstairs, they matter-of-factly tell you that they are leaving you for one of their flings and want “the whole thing taken care of” as quickly as possible.

This is the position Tammy Letherer found herself in years ago, and after her husband of over a decade delivered the blow, he left her on their dining room floor with the fragments of their shattered life. But in the days, weeks, and months that followed, Letherer slowly and bravely picked up the pieces and ultimately discovered an inner strength, confidence, and peace she had never known existed. Letherer found her way out of the darkness of infidelity and divorce, and on the other side was something surprising… joy.

In her powerful, raw, and ultimately uplifting new book out this month (She Writes Press, October 2018) The Buddha at My Table: How I Found Peace in Betrayal and Divorce, award-winning author Letherer shares:

• Her true story of being blindsided by betrayal and how she picked up the pieces of her heart and life
• What it was like learning to co-parent her children with someone who was a good father, but a bad spouse
• How she avoided the bitterness trap and instead moved forward
• Who and what helped her during the most difficult times of her life
• What it was like to cohabitate with her ex, who after his confession, refused to move out for a time
• Why she believes everyone deserves to tell their story, and how she helps other women do the same
• And much more

I had a chance to interview her to learn more.

Why did you decide to write this book?

I've always been a writer; shortly before the events in the memoir, I had finished my first novel. I would never get the chance to promote that book because from the moment my husband called me to the table to deliver his shattering news, there was a part of me that began observing events. Perhaps this was a coping mechanism to remove myself from what was happening but I also knew that this story was being given to me to share and that I could help others get through similar challenges.

What is it like to co-parent with an ex?

When you get divorced you take on the role of both parents in many ways. That can blur the lines and make it challenging to step back and let your ex-spouse take charge or make decisions. And, of course, there is often animosity clouding things. I try to follow a couple of rules:

1. Respond rather than react.
One of the best decisions I made, early in the divorce process, was to treat negotiations as business agreements and relegate them to emails rather than phone calls. That way I could take my time and formulate a clear-headed answer on my timeline. Reacting equals losing power. Responding equals reclaiming power.

2. Come from a “well-fed” place.
Everything revolves around my ability to get quiet, tune in, and take responsibility for my inner world. What are my motivations? Is this about me or my kids? Am I fighting for the sake of fighting? Am I settling an old score? Am I bored, lonely, or craving drama? I need to look at whether I'm feeding myself what I need rather than entering into a "hungry" exchange with my former husband.

How and why did you decide to move forward from bitterness?

When relationships fall apart, or you’re betrayed, it can be easy to live in blame and become bitter. It can be easy to remain on the floor when your world is knocked out from under you. But there comes a moment when you have to get up and trust that you can take the next step.

The most devastating moment was when my husband of twelve years asked me to join him at the table and told me that he’d been unfaithful for more than ten years and he was leaving me for someone he'd met and known for one day in Las Vegas. I slid off my chair onto the floor and he walked out, leaving me alone with our three kids sleeping in their beds. Eventually, I had to get up and figure out what to do.

Staying present to the small kindnesses and comforts that continued to show up for me helped carry me from moment to moment. There were little things that got me through each day: the heated seats in our minivan in the middle of December when I was frozen with grief; the cup of tea and piece of toast my neighbor made me when I couldn’t eat; a bag of sliced Honeycrisp apples from another friend that I found in my purse, hearing my youngest son call me huggable and kissable when I felt blubbery and mean.

I also learned to be present to the pain and allow myself to be in sadness. There was one morning I listened to the same song for 4 hours, lying on the floor. As Rumi says, the cure for pain is in the pain. Ultimately, peace became possible only when I began to consider that life was happening FOR me rather than TO me.

What advice do you have for someone who finds themselves in a marriage based on deception?

I once heard it said that no one else can betray you unless you first betray yourself. I didn't want to believe that, but I came to see that I had abandoned myself---my true needs and desires---long before my husband did. I want others to know that, no matter what happens, and even when facing your worst fears, there is a better, higher version of yourself that has gone ahead and is pulling you forward. You can trust it!

After my divorce was final, I struggled with the sense that it couldn’t possibly be over, that there must be another hurdle to clear. I couldn’t relax because I kept expecting something terrible to happen. As I was complaining to a friend that I didn’t know what to do with myself, that I almost felt bored, I heard a voice in my head say, “What if this is what freedom looks like?” That question again shifted me into considering that everything that happened was exactly what I needed to live the life I’m meant to live. What felt like empty space was, in fact, a wealth of possibility. Uncovering deception is also an invitation to greater truth and freedom.