Book Nook: Living in the Family Blender - 10 Principles of a Successful Blended Family

Clark and Leah Burbidge are 14 years into their blended family experience and loving life more than ever with ten children and their eight spouses, eight grandchildren and counting. Their practical ‘autobiographical/how to’ guide is contained in a new Gold Medal award winning book, Living in the Family Blender: 10 Principles of a Successful Blended Family. (Also Available at B&N)

I had a chance to interview them to learn more.

How do you navigate the challenges of managing schedules with so many children?

We encourage our children to engage in activities they feel passionate about. However, we focus them on choosing only one intensive extracurricular activity at a time. Sometimes there is overlap but their expectations are that they are not going to be involved in everything. We support them as much as possible even if we can’t always physically be there. Sometimes parents might need to split up to support competing activities. There is no question that we have over-programmed at times, especially having three teenage boys within 18 months of each other. We all work hard to manage through such times. Our children have pursued soccer, swimming, football, softball, baseball, tennis, golf, dance, theatre, track, scouting, vocal and instrumental music, gymnastics and figure skating. Whether it’s pre-teen, teenage, high school, college or professional level a child who has a healthy passion that blends with but does not dominate their social and academic training will become a more well-adjusted adult. This focus during their teenage years will often help keep them from wandering into high-risk behaviors or groups simply because they have too much time on their hands or are too frequently unsupervised by their parents.

What are some surprising things people don't know about blended families?

1. Blended Families Done Right Save Souls. There are well researched statistical benefits for children who are part of a two-parent family (blended or otherwise). Such children have dramatically better chances of building a healthy foundation enabling them to be successful. Lower rates of poverty, drug abuse, problems with the law or in school, unemployment, depression and general acting out behaviors are well reported. That is not to say there aren’t successful single parents, but it pays to play the odds where you can.
2. The Bio-Compass. There is an especially deep and natural relationship that exists between the bio-parent and their child. This is okay. The non-bio parent will, over time, be allowed to earn their way into that space. However, there will be moments when only the bio-parent can address the child’s needs, trauma or struggle. The non-bio parent must patiently step back, but remain in the picture and supportive, and allow their spouse to take the lead. This is why prideful or selfish attitudes struggle with blended parenthood. It absolutely demands selflessness. Respecting this relationship always wins in the long term.
3. Nobody Talks About It. Our dating and marriage experience revealed shockingly little available blended family ‘How To’ guidance. Pop culture, literature, movies and media produced a wasteland of mostly useless stereotypes. Family and friends seemed uncomfortable discussing the reality we faced. The elephant was in the room, but the conversation always tended to migrate toward the reasons people find themselves suddenly single. Divorce, death and abandonment are uncomfortable topics. We found taking the lead in turning the conversation toward positive aspects allowed more constructive interactions. 
4. You Are Not Alone. Because it is not a social topic of conversation does not mean it isn’t common. Research illustrates that a sizable majority of Americans are touched by blended family life in one way or another. They understand you are not broken. This is especially true of single parents. Rest assured there is an individual out there with a healthy, kind outlook who can understand your complex family situation and love you and your children unconditionally. Both single and blended parents can experience happier more fulfilling lives. 
5. Start where Your Child Is. See communication answer below.
6. First Steps Determine Results. Success in the family blender is most often determined by how a couple structures their personal relationship and their interaction with the children from the beginning. Casual, careless, loosely committed and primarily physically driven relationships almost never have sufficient strength to withstand the blender. Children won’t buy-in if they think it’s going to lead to another let-down. Blended family life requires an undeniably higher standard and level of commitment. Children get this, parent must also.
7. It Is Worth It. Blended family life can be rewarding, exciting and fulfilling. Seeing these tender souls, who were once so wounded, blossom with love and kindness in their own increasingly productive lives is worth every struggle, every late night, every heartfelt conversation, every tear and every prayer. Most of all know that you are good enough to be successful. 
8. Family Dinners Work. Numerous studies have reported that having dinner together on a regular basis reduces all the high-risk potentials among children. We have included these in our book for your information.
9. You Are Not Broken. Single and blended family members hear the term broken families, step, half, etc. all the time. We do not use these in our family because they each have inaccurate, negative, and demeaning stereotypes that make us uncomfortable. We have known many adults and children who have gone through the single parent family stage or are currently in it. They are not broken. They are healthy, wonderful people with tons of potential and incredible lives ahead of them. There is always a path to finding one’s greatness. We live in this world together because we are meant to help each other along the way. That is the beauty of a blended family. They have a shared goal and if done right are strongly committed to achieving that together. We don’t focus on what the last names are of our children or the path they took to get to our family. We all have a strong conviction that we are together because we were meant to be and each member’s role in that ‘togetherness’ is vital.
10. Beliefs and Values are the Secret Sauce. Your family must have a core belief and value system that each member has bought into through their own personal effort. It may be religious or secular but must be consistently lived and it must work by practically guiding behavior. It must answer the ‘Why’ as well as the ‘What’ questions and provide insight ‘How To’ move forward. Nebulous spiritualism or cobbled together secular pop culture goodness cannot withstand the forces faced in the blender. It must involve parents who are all-in and unconditionally love each other and each child.

Why is strong communication particularly important with blended families?

Spouses and children grow accustomed to schedules and ways of interacting in their former bio-family. Following the complete disruption that often occurs with a death or divorce it can be a major challenge to reconnect with each child. As a blended family, it takes time and patience for everyone to readjust to possible new structure of life with accompanying schedules, rules and interactions. Being clear on expectations and willing to give reminders through positive communication are key. Recognizing someone in the act of doing the right thing reinforces desired behavior. It is also important to start with each child where they are rather than where they were, or are supposed to be, or where you assume they are. Each member of your blended family will start from their own unique place. Listening to understand their new perception is critical to their redevelopment of confidence that you respect and love them. Once you understand better where they are starting from, parents can work together with each child to take steps forward. Starting from where they actually are means every day becomes a positive step reinforcing a new culture of success and confidence. The best part is that parents do it as a team with each child. Nothing bonds like love driven teamwork.

How do you maintain cooperative relationships with the other biological parents involved?

Both bio-parents should understand the importance of a positive continuing relationship with their bio-children. Letting your child know that they are welcome to have a relationship with the other bio-parent is the best way to have them become healthy and well adjusted. It is important to support and encourage that relationship. Of course, this will be more difficult if the other bio-parent is acting out, angry or has other toxic behaviors. Sometimes legal or safety issues prevent such interaction. Every situation is different and divorce decrees that impact visitation must be respected. Regardless of your child’s access to or experience with their other bio-parent, blended family parents should refrain from disparaging the former spouse in the child’s presence. Acting as if the other bio-parent is non-existent is just as destructive to children. This will never score points for the negative parent but will only wound the child who inevitably sees themselves as part of both bio-parents. Every parent needs to understand how both toxic and positive behaviors impact their own relationship with their children now and in the future. 

Learn more: https://www.facebook.com/Blendedfamilyproject/