Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Book Nook: Why Will No One Play with Me?


Caroline Maguire, ACCG, PCC, M.Ed, a personal coach who works with children who struggle socially, and their families, is the author of the upcoming book, Why Will No One Play with Me?: The Play Better Plan to Help Children of All Ages Make Friends and Thrive.

In this book, Caroline shares proven strategies to teach parents how to help kids develop the executive function and social skills they need to thrive. Her Play Better Plan is a three-part program that helps children make noticeable progress while building confidence and enjoying a more satisfying social life, using skills such as:
· Social Sleuthing, to learn to pay attention to social cues from other
· Post-Play Date Huddles that help kids figure out what to look for in a friendship
· Reflective Listening that can improve your child's relationship with their peers

This book is complete with strong research, a proven program that has helped thousands of families, and an expert author who is a leading thinker in the field. Parents will learn not only how to coach their children, but also understand how to address key issues that come up along the way, such as resistance, setbacks and lack of motivation. Caroline discusses:
· How to get your child to open up, move out of his/her comfort zone, and develop self-awareness
· How to have hard conversations about social challenges and not surrender the conversation no matter how difficult the child may be
· Planning playdates, when to coach from the sidelines and when to interfere
· How to talk about social exclusion with your child and teach them to include others

I had a chance to interview Caroline to learn more.

Why did you decide to write this book?
Years ago, an 8 year old boy who was struggling socially and asked me “why will no one play with me?” The question stung me because I had been left out and I knew the impact that has on your life and the imprint it leaves on you.

As I worked with children and families on a wide variety of issues—from angry outbursts to inattention in class to crippling shyness, so often the root of the problem were about being left out. And because they struggled, their parents and entire family were suffering. I quickly found that for kids without a social skills-based diagnosis, there was almost no help. Even for children with Autism and other social communication disorders, parents were investing an enormous amount of time trying to figure out how to help their child.

I know that it’s possible for any kid to learn the skills they need to do better in school, make lasting friendships, manage their emotions, and feel comfortable in their own skin. It’s what I do in my practice every day, and I wrote this book because I want to more parents to have the tools that I use every day to teach kids to thrive.

Why does social play come so naturally to some kids, while others struggle with it?
Executive function is the management system of the brain that drives attention, organization, self-regulation and other key elements that read social cues.

Some children make friends easily because they have a natural propensity to understand societies expectations and to decode social cues. Other children have weaker executive function; they just don’t have a good understanding of how to make and keep friends. In all cases, it goes back to how well a child learns from the world around them and whether or not they have the brain-based skills that guide our behavior. Kids who struggle with social skills can learn them, but they need direct instruction to help shift their mindset and their behavior.

How can parents determine if their kids need to work on social skills or are just more quiet or introverted?
There are 7 behaviors everyone needs to be able to perform to make and keep friends. An easy test for parents is to ask themselves can your child perform these 7 behaviors as well as their same age peers across many environments. These 7 behaviors are: manage emotions, read the room, meet people halfway, understand social cues and unspoken rules, learn to walk in someone else’s shoes, be flexible and adaptive, know your audience, and adapt communication to be appropriate for the situation.

One important litmus test for parents is can your child not only keep friends but make new ones. We all have to go to new jobs, meet new people and adapt to different social situations. And we want our children to grow up with this ability, so they have choices. We have to take the long view with children - it’s our job to set our children up with the life skills they need to become independent and thrive. Social skills are essential in life.

What sets this book apart from other books about improving social skills?
Many social skills books are written for professionals, not for parents. The language in these books is hard for parents to understand and the books have no road map for parents to follow. They are great books – if you are a professional and you know where to start, how long to work on something and you can fill in the gaps that are not articulated in directions and the nuances of how to teach social skills.

Why Will No One Play With Me? gives parents an easy to follow road map to show them how to talk to their child about hard topics, introduce the plan, conduct social skill building lessons, and determine if their child is making progress. The book even shows parents what progress looks like and how to recognize what professionals know – that most progress is slow and shows up in small changes over time rather than big sweeping epiphanies. Historically, books about social skills do not provide scripts and language parents can use to have key conversations and leave parents wondering- what do I say? What do I not say? My goal for Why Will No One Play With Me? is to give parents that key information so they have tips and scripts to facilitate social learning that is effective.

About the Author
Caroline Maguire, ACCG, PCC, M.Ed. is a personal coach who works with children with ADHD and the families who support them. Caroline earned her ACCG from the ADD Coach Academy and her PCC from the International Coach Federation (ICF). She also received a Master of Education from Lesley University. Her revolutionary coaching program and methodology helps teach executive function skills to children, teenagers, and young adults. She is a former coach for the Hallowell Center in Sudbury, MA. While with the Hallowell Center, Caroline was the main coach for children and teenagers. Caroline consults with schools and families internationally and has been co-leading social skills groups for over a decade.

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