As the summer comes to a close, research shows that many marriages do too. Calls to divorce lawyers spike in September, partially due to the fact that many couples think summer will help them strengthen their relationship but the extra time together only exacerbates marital problems. For many it’s also the right time to split since vacations are over and the holidays are far enough away.
Sheryl Seiden (Facebook page here) is a New Jersey-based family lawyer (just named Chair of the Family Law Section of the NJ State Bar Association). I had a chance to interview her to learn more.
I had a chance to interview her to learn more.
What are some reasons for this surge in divorce inquiries?
Calls to divorce lawyers spike right after the summer, partially due to the fact that many couples think summer will help them strengthen their relationship but the extra time together only exacerbates marital problems. For many, it’s also the perfect time to split since vacations are over and the holidays are still months away. Now that the school routine is back in play, couples that were considering a divorce will often get started with the divorce process. Other couples wait for children to leave for college to move forward with a divorce. In all cases, the failed expectations over the summer often confirm a spouse’s desire to proceed with a divorce.
Do the inquiries always lead to divorce filings?
Divorce inquires do not always lead to a divorce filing. If you’re not completely sure what you want, go for a consultation. It is good to have answers to questions and educate yourself about the process before you make any decisions.
How should I tell my spouse and kids I want a divorce?
This is a very personal decision and every situation is different. It’s important to keep the lines of communication open from the start. A spouse deserves to have a heads-up that a party wants a divorce before the spouse hears from a lawyer or is served with divorce papers. How you start the case will have long-term effects on the relationship with your spouse, so always consider how you would feel if the tables were turned.
Some parties have already been in counseling and the topic of divorce has come up, but for others it’s a shock. In those cases, it’s best to meet with the spouse alone, outside the presence of the children, to discuss the intended desire to divorce. It’s then important to work together to determine when and how to tell the children. The first step in co-parenting is joint decision-making and how, when and where to tell the children is certainly a big decision that warrants a united front where possible. Custody experts often say that the children do better when parents tell them about a divorce with a plan in place. Uncertainty causes anxiety in children so it’s best to hold off telling the children until a plan is in place. If a child is in therapy, work with his/her therapist to inquire as to the best plan to break the news.
If I want a divorce should I move out?
I often say speak to a lawyer first before making any such dramatic change. Parties must address parenting time, support and other issues that will derive from a separation. But this topic is very fact-specific so I don’t want to generalize.
Who pays for the divorce?
Often the case will start with both clients getting consults from a lawyer. Then the parties will need to retain their lawyers and the amount of the retainer will depend on many factors. The initial retainer is often paid from marital assets but this issue should be addressed at the first legal consultation.
How will I be able to survive if my spouse supports me?
This is an issue that should be addressed at the first meeting with the lawyer. This is also a real concern for what we refer to as the “non-monied spouse.” There will be certain obligations for the “monied spouse” to provide support for the family while the case is pending and there are two options to handle this:
- Continue status quo where both parties’ paychecks go into the family bank account and continue to be used to pay both parties’ and children’s expenses.
- Determine the amount of expenses and agree upon a support figure. To do so, the lawyer will often ask to detail expenses in a document called a “case information statement.”
Sheryl also has a blog series which she promotes on social media called The Co-Parenting Convo that offers tips to divorced parents on handling holidays like Mother's and Father's Day, camp visits, vacations, and other areas.
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