Parenting Pointers: Co-Parenting through Separation and Divorce

Retired Superior Court Child Custody Mediator Jann Blackstone, Psy.D. and Pediatrician David Hill, MD, FAAP in Co-Parenting Through Separation and Divorce: Putting Your Children First help parents shepherd their children through divorce with expertise built from decades of professional practice and sensitivity developed from their own experiences as parents who are themselves divorced and actively co-parenting with exes. Their guide walks parents through all the factors they should consider and offers step-by-step guidance on how to work together to put their children first.
 

From sharing the news with children in an age-appropriate way to handling the issue of custody, and from concerns about affairs or abuse to embarking on remarriage and blending families, Co-Parenting Through Separation and Divorce offers a roadmap through one of life’s most difficult challenges, with the goal of healthy, happy kids informing every decision along the way.

I had a chance to interview Dr. Blackstone to learn more.

 Why is it so important to have a good co-parenting plan?

The word of concern here is “good”. If co-parents are conscientious, they know they may have to change their parenting plan as their child grows. The parenting plan appropriate for a two year old is not appropriate for a twelve year old. Often parents say, “Stick to the plan!” because it’s the right plan for them—not for their child—and the child has simply grown out of the plan.

Professionals often say that a child should not stay away from the primary care giver for longer then they are old. That means a two year old may be emotionally equipped to stay away from the primary care giver for two days. Switching back and for each week would be too much.

All that said, the reason I suggest parents have a parenting plan in place is to, first, have a schedule they can depend on so they can make plans. Two, establish some dissemblance of normalcy for the child so he or she knows where her home base will be. Three, to have some place to start when they must negotiate for a change. Without a starting place any negotiation is arbitrary. If you have a parenting plan that you realize doesn’t work you understand why and why there must be a change. That way, when you approach your co-parent with a suggestion for change your reason is based on your child’s needs and not just because you want to change.

What are some ways parents can help their children with the transition to a new pattern of parenting?

In an ideal world co-parents will sit down with their children, explain the change and why using age appropriate language. If that cannot be done, the conversation should start with, “your mother and I have talked about this and have decided (or your father and I…) presenting the decision as a united front.  The worst thing you can do is decide upon a schedule arbitrarily and fight in front of the child when it’s time for the child to return to the other parent.

For example: Scenario: Mom lives alone with child when the child is scheduled to be with mom. Dad lives with his new partner and his elderly mother. The Covid virus now complicates if it is appropriate for the child to go back and forth with a senior citizen living in one of the homes. The parents together decided that the child will stay primarily at mom’s home until the virus is under control and grandma is out of danger.

Parents present the new schedule and explain how it will be implemented.

Heavy weight that this is not forever

Explain that grandma is not in danger at this time, but you want to keep it that way.

Already have ideas how all can stay in touch, ie: “You can FaceTime me any time, and when this is over, think of something that is appropriate for your particular family…

We will plan a special camping trip to get reacquainted.

We’ll spend some weekends at the beach..

You can stay with me for (decide with the other parent prior to this conversation how the parenting change will change.  Will it be temporary or will it be a permanent change.)

If the child is older, allow them to voice their opinion how they like the change.  I remind parents, “a voice is not a choice.” This means the child knows what they say matters, but the ultimate decision is a mutual decision made by the parents.

How can co-parents work together even if they can no longer live together?

Living together doesn’t necessarily guarantee that parents will work together. What does guarantee that is that they put their children first, use their children’s best interest as criteria for their decision making, and let the love of their children, not their resentment for each other, be their guide when problem solving.

How can one parent be sure their children are safe while at the other parent's house?

Cultivate respect and open communication, and if the child comes home with something questionable, call the parent first for clarification before forming an opinion and reacting to what the child has told you.

This does not imply that your child lies, it means that a child doesn’t always properly communicate what has happened, passes it on to a parent, the parent gets angry and makes value judgments, and the incident didn’t really happen as reported.

I often talk about the client whose 7 year old went home to dad’s house with the story that mommy and her boyfriend were sleeping together.  Dad went crazy and brought mom back to court for a change in custody without asking clarification. The truth was, mom and boyfriend had fallen asleep in front of the television.

What are some long-term issues to be aware of while co-parenting?

One that I see all the time is when the mother is the primary care giver of a son. Let’s say the parents broke up when the child was 4, everything was fine, the parents were sharing the child’s time and could negotiate easily when changes had to be made.  The child hits about 13, 14, 15 and openly wants to live with dad. Mom thinks it’s because the father has been badmouthing her and undermining her parenting. “Obviously, it’s his father. Everything was fine.” Although that could be behind the desire to change, most of the time it is simply biology. At around 13ish a child starts to gravitate to the like-gendered parent. If the child was a girl she would opt to spend more time with mom.  They have similar likes, dislikes, can easily talk about the changes in their bodies, so parents have to be aware that it’s coming and not take it personally. Work together in the name of the child. Don’t put the child in the middle of the two people he or she loves the most or make the child feel guilty for something that is very natural.

Jann Blackstone, PsyD is a retired child custody mediator for the Superior Court of California and the founder of Bonus Families. She is the author of six books on divorce, remarriage, and co-parenting and a nationally syndicated weekly newspaper column, “Ex-etiquette.” She currently resides in Phoenix, AZ, and has four children—two biological, two bonus. 

David Hill, MD, FAAP is a hospitalist pediatrician at Goldsboro Pediatrics, Adjunct Assistant Professor of Pediatrics at the University Of North Carolina School of Medicine, a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics Council Management Committee, and Associate Editor of Pediatric Care Online Patient Education for the AAP. He writes and lectures nationally and internationally on pediatric topics including media use, fatherhood, and family separation.