As the pandemic continues to cause havoc around the world, the study also points that sheltering in place and social isolation also is increasingly putting more people (47%) “at risk for depression or suicidal thoughts.” As we continue to shelter in place, strains on family and couple relationships are rampant
Montrella Cowan, a licensed therapist, relationship expert, independent clinical social worker (LICSW), and speaker has been helping individuals, couples and families for over 20 years. She is the founder of Affinity Health Affairs, LLC and a holistic talk therapist and relationship coach, trusted for her high-quality service, knowledge, personal care, and passion to help people have healthy relationships and families
“During these stressful times it’s time to stop listening to the negativity and conflict that seems to overwhelm our senses today,” Montrella says. “Instead, it’s time to begin listening to the voice inside you that says love, joy, and happiness are possible – for you!”
I had a chance to interview her to learn more.
What impact is the pandemic having on our relationships?
The pandemic is having major positive and negative impacts on our relationships.
One negative impact is that it is forcing people to be together under one roof. No matter how big the house, your home seems to grow smaller and smaller each day that people are “stuck” with one another. For a family of four, for example, the social isolation from mainstream society is forcing members to be around one another for timeframes never desired. Children who are used to being away from home for long periods of the day, between school and extracurricular activities or practices, are now under the scrutiny of their parents 24/7. Don’t forget, we also have a lot of distance learning taking place and that is taking its toll on the parents, teachers and the children. It’s tough! In the case of romantic relationships, for those that were not a good match pre-COVID crisis, the pandemic just exacerbates dysfunctional relationships based on convenience or fear, also known as a situationships. Divorce rates are going up because couples are finding out that they do not even like each other, especially after being “trapped” for so long.
Although it may be difficult to see any good in the midst of a national health pandemic, there are some positives -other than tests- that are having an impact on relationships. In fact, the downtime the pandemic has caused is strengthening some relationships by allowing people to spend quality time together. It has also removed a lot of outside distractions and allows people to notice things, in themselves and others, that perhaps would have been easily overlooked before. Another positive impact is that it is giving people the opportunity to get things done, such as scheduling couples counseling or individual therapy, something that was on the to-do-list but they never got around to doing. Since the pandemic, I have noticed more clients inviting their partners and family members to therapy. This has tremendously benefited relationships.
How can people feel comfortable reaching out for help when they need it? Unfortunately, seeking mental health can carry a lot of stigma to it. This may be the reason for an increase of people seeking life coaching. However, a life coach is different from a licensed therapist, who is trained to address mental health challenges. In therapy we work to put resolve to your past that hinders you or keeps you stuck. In life coaching we really work to create the kind of future you would like to have. Many people seek life coaching but cannot achieve the goals, because they have not healed from their past.
My recommendations for people to take that leap and reach out for professional help are:
Understand that going to your family members and friends to address your anxiety, depression or other mental health challenge can makes things worst. Why? Because, first of all, they are usually not trained to do so. They will try to fix it for you and potentially cause you more harm, although their intentions are good. They also may advise you based on their own fears, bad experiences, and limited viewpoints. It is best to speak with an objective and licensed mental health professional to help you achieve your mental health and wellness goals. The best advise your family and friends can give you concerning this is to recommend a good therapist that they have direct experience with or have seen the benefits from.
Interview your therapist. Therapy is like dating and you do want to make sure it is a good match. Take advantage of complimentary consultations to ask the questions you need to and see if the therapist can help you with your particular challenge. If you have health insurance, you want to check to see if the therapist accepts your insurance. If you are reaching out for your child or teenager, allow you him or her to also interview the therapist and be a part of the selection process.
Know that you are not alone and that mental health matters. One in every five people report suffering from mental health challenges. A recent CDC study also found that one in four youth reported suicidal ideation (thoughts) due to COVID. This is in addition to suicide being the second leading cause of death in the U.S. for those 10-34 years old and the 10th leading cause of death for all age groups.
How does trauma affect our relationships?
One of the most detrimental ways that trauma affects our relationships is by leaving the person who was traumatized to believe lies about herself or himself. This can be quite damaging if it goes unaddressed. This has a direct impact on one’s self-image, which is the perception that one has of oneself. You may walk away from a traumatic incident, such as sexual assault, feeling unworthy, unattractive, unlovable. Moreover, trauma can cause you not trust anyone, even those who are trustworthy. It can have you to ultimately sabotage your relationships. This is not something that one should try to deal with alone. However, family members and partners need to understand that as much as they want to be helpful, it is best to refer that person to a licensed professional. Oftentimes when you are inexperienced with this and try to help, you can trigger the trauma and cause adverse reactions in the person who was victimized.
How can people improve their communication with their partners?
Communication is everything! People typically learn how to communicate based on their upbringing and/or education. It is important to first know what communication really is. It is not just talking, nor is it just listening. It is an exchange of talking, listening, understanding, and giving feedback. After taking my communications class, I have seen where some couples never argue again. This is because they now have the skills to actually communicate. One thing to practice right away would be to validate your partner. To validate is to give that stamp of approval to your partner no matter what he or she feels, says, or thinks. To the contrary, we oftentimes, try to “fix” and “invalidate” our partners when we do not agree with them. This is why so many couples have the same argument over and over. We need to recognize that communication is a skill that we were not born with. The good news it can be developed, if you decide to do so. Help is just a call or click away.
Make a therapist a part of your professional and health support team, just as you have a doctor, lawyer, dentist, banker, among others.
“Healing can take a lot of different forms and the path to a healthy and fulfilling relationship can be long and winding. Just remember that there are tools that you can use to turn it all around.”
Montrella Cowan, MSW, LICSW
Founding CEO of Affinity Health Affairs
Licensed Therapist, Personal Trauma and Relationship Expert
International Bestselling Author of The Purse: An Essential Guide to Healthy Relationships
Website: https://affinity411.com/
Author Bio:
Montrella Cowan is the Founder and CEO of Affinity Health Affairs which inspires women and men like you to “step into their greatness” through her private psychotherapy practice, health and wellness workshops, online courses, and speaking engagements. She also serves as a mentor to young adults helping to transform them into effective change agents.
A licensed Psychotherapist and Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW), Montrella earned a Masters in Social Work from Howard University and holds a Bachelors in Social Work and Interdisciplinary Studies from Catholic University of America.
A thought-provoking, culturally-competent professional, international best-selling author, and personal trauma and relationship expert, Montrella works to help women like you to heal from their past and create happy, healthy and whole relationships with themselves, their family, and their romantic partners.
Montrella is a renowned thought leader whose relationship expertise has been featured in Inspired Living TV, Essence Magazine, Radio One, NPR, NBC, ABC, and dozens of other local, regional, and national media outlets.
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