As a baby, lawyer-turned-life coach Shari Leid was found in a cardboard box in a South Korea parking lot. Thirty years later, Shari adopted a daughter from China who was found in similar circumstances.
Shari was part of the first wave of international adoptees when she was adopted from South Korea in 1970, following the Korean War. Shari's new book The 50/50 Friendship Flow: Life Lessons From and For My Girlfriends is about fostering and deepening the relationships with your found family by sharing the meaning of their presence in your life.
I had a chance to interview her to learn more about her background, to help learn more about adoption during National Adoption Month.
What do you think is unique about adopting when you yourself have been adopted?
Each adoption and adoption story is unique. Adoption is a complex relationship of a loss of a birth family and a celebration of what is often referred to as a “forever family.” The key is to find a way to intertwine the story of the birth family and the forever family into a beautiful family story that provides the adoptee with a sense of self-worth, understanding, and pride in who he or she is.
Why is it important for parents to be aware of the emotional needs of adopted children?
While it is important for parents to be aware of the emotional needs of both biological and adopted children, there are certain experiences that are universal to adopted children that parents should be aware of. Adoptees find that even if they resemble their adoptive parents, throughout their life they do their fair share of justifying to strangers why they belong in the family that they were adopted into. For many adoptees, telling their adoption story to strangers, justifying and explaining that they belong in their family, is a way of life. We neglect to think what the possible effects on the child’s psyche are, especially an adopted child who is raised with siblings who are their parents’ biological children or an adopted child who is of a different race than their adoptive family.
How do you navigate questions about family history?
Recognizing the incredible power of a family story, I’ve developed a list of 7 suggestions on how to cultivate a story with your adopted child:
As age appropriate, talk openly about what you know about the child’s biological family history and about your own.
While there are some situations that your child may not be ready to hear, never brush off a child’s question about his or her birth family. Acknowledge the question and share pieces of the story over time, as your child is able to process the answer.
Ask your child questions. What would your child like to know about their adoption? By asking questions, you’re letting your adopted child know that it is safe to dialogue.
Ask your child what he or she wished they knew about their birth family. And if you don’t have an answer, be honest and suggest that perhaps it is something you can explore together.
Keep an open dialogue throughout their childhood. There may be an age when they want nothing to do with their adoption story and that is okay as long as they know that when they are ready to dialogue – you’re open to talk.
When projects are sent home from school – like the inevitable family tree project that every grade schooler seems to receive – use it as an opportunity to celebrate the beautiful grafting of a branch on a tree. Trees are grafted to become more beautiful.
Ask your child what he or she believes is their adoption story and how it intertwines with the adoptive family’s story and make that beautiful story together.
How do you embrace the joy of adoption while acknowledging the pain and struggle of loss?
There is a difference between acknowledging the pain and struggle of the loss of the birth family and dwelling in the pain and loss. The loss should be acknowledged and never brushed aside, but the focus - as with any matter of life - should live in the joy. In any tragedy, there is always a silver lining that can be found. Fortunately, with adoption – that silver lining usually shines big, bold and bright – making it easy to find the joy to focus on.
What do you wish you’d known about adoption?
I wish I began intertwining my daughter’s adoption story with our family’s biological story from Day 1 – so that they were not two separate stories but one beautifully intertwined family story. I wish I spent more time learning about her culture and the area where she was adopted from, including simple demographic facts of the area. Fortunately, learning is a life-long process and it is never too late to start something new.
Shari Leid received her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from the University of Washington in 1992 and graduated from Seattle University School of Law in 1995. A former litigator, she currently owns and operates An Imperfectly Perfect Life, LLC, a professional life coaching business serving women, helping guide them towards recognizing their power. She married her law school boyfriend, and they are the parents of two grown children. Now in her early 50s, she believes all of her life experiences and challenges were placed in her life to allow her to share what she has learned. She lives in Seattle, Washington. Her debut book, The 50/50 Friendship Flow: Life Lessons From and For My Girlfriends, is available now.
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