Someone once said that every child birth is a miracle. For Ian Jenkins and his family, it was so much more. It was – literally – unprecedented. Because Ian’s two kids each have three dads. In addition to the usual obstacles that many same-sex couples have in conceiving and bearing children with the help of surrogates, Ian and his partners had to break new legal ground to earn the same recognition as a two-person parental unit.
That meant having to convince reproductive medicine specialists, potential surrogates, lawyers, and a reluctant judge to join them in creating one of the most unique family “origin stories” one might imagine. Although this is Jenkins’ first major published effort, he’s a lifelong writer who tells his story with an ease and familiarity that makes even some of the more sensational elements feel perfectly reasonable.
Three Dads and a Baby offers insight into the personal connection between Ian and his partners and how it strengthens as they pursue fatherhood together. As he recounts all of the hurdles they encountered until the birth of Piper, Ian also shows how their shared perspective on relationships and parenting prepared them for raising children with confidence and pride.
These days, when Ian takes a break from fighting on the frontline of the coronavirus pandemic and battling more familiar medical illnesses, he works on very different writing projects: a medical memoir chronicling the triumphs and tragedies he's seen in the hospital, and fantasy fiction stories (featuring diverse characters and strong female leads). He’s excited to share his story, hoping it will give parents and would-be parents of all orientations and identities a glimpse into the common struggles that many new families face-- how to bring loving and caring people together to create a healthy home for their children in an increasingly complex and confusing world. That, he says, is both his real-world medical triumph and his fantasy come true.
1) What is the most challenging thing about being part of such a unique family?
The legal and medical battles we had to fight just to become parents WERE the worst part--expensive, tiring, and lengthy. Now that we have our family and arrangements? In our community in California it's really not a big deal. We haven't faced condemnation or rejections from friends, coworkers, preschool, or pediatricians. And we have extra help. Just today, Jeremy had a fever, and went on isolation, and there were still two parents to deal with kids and get our daughter to preschool. So right now, the biggest challenge isn't bad: just figuring out how to divide parenting duties when a toddler is playing favorites or trying to split us--being consistent, and deciding whether we should be able to tap out during a tantrum or if it would be better to have one parent manage the whole incident
2) Why is it important for people to be aware of all the ways that families can be made?
Until we embarked on our legal journey, driven by a desire to protect our children should anything happen to one of us, we didn't even know multiple parentage was an option. But it is, at least in some locations, and the advantages are very real. There's no "spare" or secondary parent, we're all equal, full partners in childrearing, and our children get to know that. Having your family recognized by the law is validating. There are tangible legal benefits too. Had I not become a full parent, my pension would just vanish if I died, but now it's available to my children. And let's be honest, some poly unions and other arrangements will dissolve, just like many marriages end. Having clear rights for all parents is just a good idea.
3) What are some of the ways that all parents can find common ground, even if parenting styles and family makeup is different?
This really seems to happen automatically. We all know. There's that new terror of something bad happening. Several moms have told me they have the same nightmare I've had--waking up worrying you're smothering your infant even though we've never done cosleeping, and panicking for a second. And that absolute heart melting joy when a kid says they love you and snuggles up and puts their head down on your shoulder just to be close, which makes any trouble worth it. Or knowing you'd fight a bear before you let it hurt your kid. These are universal experiences--love is love! And so many parents admit to jealousy when they hear about how we had four well rested parents helping out with our newborns--don't we all want a little extra help (and sleep)?
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