Considering adoption is a huge step for any would-be parent. But often, adopting parents privilege their own story of joy and benevolence over that of the adoptee, talking about “saving” the child without reflecting on how that makes the child feel.
Vanessa Joy Walker, author of Make Room For Joy, is intimately familiar with this rarely-heard perspective because she is adopted. She has seen that in focusing on the joy of welcoming a new child into their lives, adopting parents can forget that sorrow is an equal part of the equation: to answer one family’s prayers, adoptees must bear the burden of being the source of another family’s pain and loss.
It’s time to acknowledge this, Vanessa says, and to make room for adoptees to fully experience and know their own stories. Rather than view adoptees as simply having been saved from a difficult situation, parents need to help them navigate the complexities, challenges and nuances of their identities.
It's up to adopting parents and society at large to give to help amplify their authentic voices in this way.
Her new memoir is Make Room for Joy! Choose Hope, Discover Purpose and Cultivate Joy in the Middle of Life's Most Complicated Seasons.
Why is it important to recognize that adoption is a complex issue for families - both the biological families and adoptive families?
The quick answer is because these most complicated parts of life are also the most beautiful. Too often we focus on trying to simplify relationships and situations that were meant to be just that -- complicated. Figuring out how the grief and gratitude of adoption can eventually occupy the same space comfortably is difficult. So, don’t be too hard on yourself if this doesn’t come easily! I talk extensively about my journey to embrace this beautifully complicated reality in my book, Make Room for Joy. I didn’t wake up one morning and feel perfectly at ease with the relationship between joy and sorrow and grief and gratitude. It took time.
Communities are not usually set up to help adoptees, but instead, set up to glorify the parents and pacify the onlookers. For many, the adoption narrative rests on the false statement that love is enough. Well, love is not enough. It’s a start, but it needs to be coupled with truth, transparency, and selfless support to help adoptees wrestle with the details that make up their identities.
Recognizing the complications that are embedded within the adoption journey honors the truth. Embracing complications together as a family unit can nurture trust and intimacy. A foundation that is built on these elements will be strong enough to withstand the storms of life. And they will come! I have yet to meet an adoptee that has not struggled with their identity or wished they had not been adopted at some point in their life. Dealing with these feelings is difficult and having a family that is ready and willing to make room for these feelings to be discussed and dealt with is imperative.
I heard from a friend once that "adoption begins with loss" - why is that perspective important?
The truth is that to become the answer to one woman’s prayers, I had to be abandoned by another. This doesn’t mean that I don’t love my second mom or I am not thankful for the family that I was adopted into, but it does mean that my life was birthed out of hurt and crisis. That is a truth that I have needed space to wrestle with so that I could see the beauty embedded within its details.
It’s easy to begin to hate where you came from when you assume it was all bad, and you are now required by your community to feel grateful. But feeling like where you come from is a bad place isn’t healthy. I will never forget the first time I described to my husband how I was abandoned as a baby. He quickly blurted out, “Abandoned? I mean you said that your adoption was a good thing and that your birth mom loved you. Why would you use the word abandoned? That seems so harsh.” We were just dating at the time and he still didn’t fully grasp the complexities of my birth story. I smiled and responded “The word abandoned may make you uncomfortable but I am ok with it -- and I will not romanticize my adoption story to make anyone feel better. It took me years of therapy to figure out that I could love the mom that gave me up while embracing the truth of being abandoned and still be grateful for the family I ended up in.” My response seemed to rattle him, but ultimately he leaned in, listened, and got comfortable with the complicated details that make up me. And we are still married over 9 years later!
How can families who adopt make sure to acknowledge the complex emotions that their children may experience?
First, get clear about intentions for wanting to adopt. At the end of the day, adoption is about the child, not the parents-- you will need to figure out how to recognize that and make space for the child to wrestle with their origins. My unsolicited advice? Get a therapist or a counselor, and prepare for a journey that is messy and complicated, and create a family foundation rooted in honesty, intimacy, and trust.
Adoptees have to dwell in a place of not knowing many things about themselves. My second mom made sure I knew it was ok to not know things. She told me my ‘adoption story’ often from a very young age; it started simply and, as I grew older and asked more questions, she shared more details. When she didn’t know something, she said so- and modeled for me that it was ok to not understand everything as well. This was hugely beneficial for me growing up.
The last point I will make is this -- work at becoming a FIERCE advocate for YOUR child, not yourself. You can protect the details of their birth story. Social media is great, but please remember that someday your child will be able to read and see what you shared about them without their permission. Again: adoption is about the child, not you. If there is one takeaway from this interview, it’s that you must advocate for your child, not yourself. Don’t use your child as a prop in your own branding. If you are going to be the BEST caregiver and advocate for your child, then getting real with your intentions is imperative. You must get comfortable asking yourself difficult questions.
How can families who adopt find support?
Help is out there if you are curious about finding it.
I will reiterate this. Find a good therapist or counselor. As you raise an adopted child feelings of fear, inadequacy, and even jealousy might come up for you. I am not a licensed therapist but I am an expert patient! Finding a place to dig through your own feelings of grief and gratitude can prepare you to model this behavior for your child.
We, as a community, need to elevate and amplify the voices of adoptees. This gives the adoptee authority over their own story. As adoptees, our birth stories are stolen from us. The narrative is created for us before we can speak for all of the onlookers. This sets us, adoptees, up to believe we have to fit into or adapt to somebody else's narrative. We are never given the opportunity to control our story; one that is private and shared only at a time when we feel comfortable.
It’s time to give adoptees control over their narrative. In many cases, people contribute to the cost of adoption, which sets up a whole other scenario with children feeling like they are accessories owned by many. As a parent and advocate, you can create room for adoptees to say, "I'm not comfortable talking about that, or I prefer not to discuss my birth story with you." This kind of advocacy empowers adoptees and gives them the space and support required to embrace their journey's complexities. As an advocate, you can control the flow of public posting and oversharing if you choose to do so. For years society has expected all the lurid details of someone’s adoption, from birth to coming home; adoptees have the right to disclose as much as they want and nothing more.
Find communities and organizations that amplify the voices of adoptees. And make wise choices on social media -- when you like and follow people who are using their adopted children as part of their brand you are contributing to the problem.
And listen, if you cannot find a community that is doing the work of offering balanced support to both the parents and the child then create one!
Here are a few of my favorite resources -
PACT - An Adoption Alliance - https://www.pactadopt.org/app/servlet/HomePage
This is this BEST resource for transracial families and families of color that adopt. This is also a great resource for same-race adoption. Their motto is, “Families for children, not children for families.” Their newsletter, family camp, and online group sessions are invaluable.
Point Made Learning - Adopted - We Can do Better Educational Series and the Documentary Film Adopted - https://pointmadelearning.com/programs-and-services/film-screenings/adopted/
We Can Do Better cuts right to the heart of the issues deeply embedded in the rewarding, but complex journey of adoption. The series was created to be used as a companion to the film Adopted but it can also be used as a stand-alone educational program. This series features a who’s who of the adoption community offering wisdom and advice to help today’s adoptive families. The 30-minute sessions focus on clarifying parental intentions, establishing identity, parenting a mixed-race family, grieving, and navigating the politics of adoption.
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Vanessa Joy Walker lives up to her middle name. An adopted child, a cancer survivor, and an abuse survivor, Walker has toured the country and spoken to thousands about life’s seasons and choosing joy even in the midst of suffering. An iPEC Coach and founder/owner of GIllian Walker Management and Director of Operations at Point Made Learning, Walker thrives on helping both faith based and secular communities, and has spoken to thousands across the country as both as an Adversity Coach and with the Brooklyn Tabernacle Singers. Her book, Make Room for Joy (August 4, 2020), shows us how to find joy even when we’re in the thick of it. Brooklyn based, Vanessa currently resides in Chapel Hill, NC, and can be found singing, eating good food, and choosing joy along the way.
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