America is witnessing a troubling rise of suicides among veterans. The COVID-19 pandemic spiraled many veterans into unemployment and depression. Nationally, the rate of unemployment among veterans rose from 2.3 percent in April of 2019 to 11.7 percent one year later, and that was before the peak of the pandemic’s effects. Veterans are almost universally in the high risk category for the coronavirus. They are also more likely to commit suicide with a gun than the rest of the general population, at a rate of about 70 percent. The holidays are an especially tough time for many veterans. Why are we seeing the rise of suicides among veterans? What can be done to prevent it? What are warning signs of suicide?
I had a chance to interview Joe Whitaker, author of the The Day Before I Died and a noted veteran, and a near suicide himself.
Tell me about your book.
The Day Before I Died is a memoir about an innocent Irish, Catholic boy who grew up in Rhode Island and Pennsylvania. This young man goes off to war in Vietnam and his world changes radically. No longer innocent or happy, this soldier comes home with PTSD (post-traumatic stress syndrome), after exposure to Agent Orange. He begins drinking heavily and is completely lost. The exposure to Agent Orange resulted in over a dozen surgeries to his face. There is no one to share the experiences of the war with and no one who can see and share the pain. And he has another issue…he’s married with three children and is gay. So disfigured, disillusioned and discouraged this lost individual contemplates ending it all by his own hand.
The book is about the solution. He did not commit suicide. He found a way out of the darkness and he developed a foundation to move forward with that would hold him firm no matter what life threw at him and life did take him in the ring for a few rounds. One of those bouts of trauma was when he lost his daughter. She died in 2018 and his world was devastated again. She was his first born and alter ego. She was his wingman and he loved her dearly. How do you survive the loss of a child?
What led you to write the book?
I hoped that by writing about my experiences I might be able to help others find their way out of the darkness. Between 20 to 22 service men and women kill themselves every day. For young people between the ages of 15 and 24, suicide is the second leading cause of death and there is a suicide in the US approximately every 40 seconds. I hoped that if this book could prevent one suicide, save one family from suffering that trauma or help one young son or daughter find there way then all I experienced would have been worth it.
Was it difficult writing about such deeply personal and troubling experiences?
It was extremely difficult and challenging in opening up and discussing these experiences. It was a journey that took 4 years to compete when writing the book and my daughter died while I was writing this memoir. I could not continue with the writing until I could deal with and write about her passing.
The prevalent emotion was fear.
How would my emotions be viewed? As a weakness, as an illness or as a mental dysfunction of some kind. Would I be seen as less than and weak? Men from my generation aren’t supposed to show fear. We shouldn’t be getting up in the middle of the night to check the doors and windows to insure they are locked. We can’t cry and say we need help. We can’t say I love you but I have to leave.
My heart has as much to say about me as my head. Listen to my heart and hear me!
What do you hope readers can learn from the book?
Parents: Learn to listen to your child. Listen and learn who they are and support them as they develop into that person. We are all unique and rare and no one fits a preconceived model, especially the one we may have developed in our mind for them. Be careful what you say and how you describe your children. Your words can have long term, devastating effects. Make that long-term effect positive.
Relatives and spouses of Veterans: Learn to just be there for the returning men and women. You may not understand and you may not be able to relate but be by their side even in silence. When the time is right, they will speak. My biggest resentment was that I had changed while serving and those at who were at home hadn’t. Do not assume everything is the same. It is not. Our world is not the same. We need to start over and redefine who we are how we move forward. If we do that together we can stay together.
Those in darkness: Learn there is hope. There is a way out of the darkness to light, to happiness and most importantly to be proud of the person you are and the experiences you’ve walked through. No matter they be good or bad. They have shaped you, honed you and polished you to be the shining star you are.
What are you doing now to address the issue of addiction and depression?
(Before COVID) I spoke at conventions and dinners and talked about my addiction (alcoholism). I sponsor many individuals in recovery. I work with men and women’s recovery homes in Southern California and I write about depression and do web programs on these issues. It is part of my life and I want my hand to be out there for those reaching for a lifeline.
Why do you believe there are rising rates of suicide in veterans?
Because they never really come home from war, because they never are totally brought home. There is no decompression from the war zone. There is no recognition that we are not the same as when we left, and we must start over. We need to redefine who we are and what we believe. War shatters our belief systems and leaves us defenseless. If we suffer, we are not weak or cowards we have just lost our way. What we thought to be true is not so and how do we rebuild a foundation to stand on and see our way forward. Help.
What makes the Holidays particularly challenging for many people who are depressed and suffering from addiction?
The Holidays have a heightened sense of joy and happiness. A plateau that the depressed and those suffering cannot reach. They see others in the “holiday spirit” and know they cannot achieve that. It sends them further into a downward spiral. They think maybe if they drink more,they can achieve that height of happiness. Maybe if they pretend, they are not sad it will go away and they can be happy or if they take more pills. Holidays further define that they are not the same as you. They are alone and unloved. They are broken and cannot be fixed.
What are some of the warning signs of suicide that people can watch out for?
#1 Silence…there is a difference between a quiet individual and silence. Listen for the silence and be with the silent person. Don’t try to push through the silence. Be OK with it and be there for the moment they reach out.
#2 Isolation… Isolation means I’m not loved or loveable. I’d rather be alone than struggle to be your friend or to be loved. There must be something wrong with me. I’ll just hide and you won’t see it and, most importantly, you can’t point out that “wrong thing” to me. It’s perception and that is what needs to be changed.
#3. Exaggerated Indecision…I can’t decide what I want to do, what I want to wear, who I want to be. Constantly changing one’s mind. Looking externally for validation. Will you love me if I do the wrong thing, wear the wrong clothes or be different. The external need for validation is smothering and we must teach others to be OK within themselves. And it is OK to change your mind after you’ve experiment with or developed ideas and actions related to who and what you are.
Much of the problem(s) we are talking about here is perception. How I perceive myself and my role within my world. As we develop, we struggle with that perception and that can be traumatic in and of itself. Those close to us affect that perception by their behaviors and words. Those words and behaviors can make developing a positive perception of ourselves more difficult.
Once developed, that perception can be shattered by trauma and war. The original perception of ourselves no longer works for us. We then need to redefine ourselves and our view of the world around us. Its difficult to start over and it feels like failure.
No one wants to fail.
No comments:
Post a Comment