This holiday season will feel different- not just because some of it will be over Zoom, but because the election is still looming large in the mind of America. The elephant (or donkey) in the room won’t go away. How can we all have a much needed joyous family holiday?
J. Christopher Collins is the author of the new book of Mending Our Union: Healing Our Communities Through Courageous Conversations. He has spent the last several years facilitating meetings that bring together people from a vast selection of politics, races, genders, and class as part of his conversation group at the Glide Memorial Church in San Francisco, Different Together, and has developed a toolkit for doing so. He offers these 4 tips that he’d be happy to speak or write about:
- Let go of a desire to win
- Make the other person feel heard-- even if you disagree
- Set a timer on it
- Don’t expect anyone to change
These four things give anyone a toolkit for a happier, healthier holiday season with family.
I had a chance to interview the author to learn more.
Why is it important for us to realize that we don't need to "win" every conversation?
We’re taught from a very early age to have the right answer in school. We’re brought up in a culture that values competition everywhere: in academics, music, athletics, and more. It’s deeply ingrained in us that if we’re not right, we’re wrong. If we don’t win, we lose. Therefore, especially in political conversations, our strong desire is to make sure our side wins no matter the cost.
I love a good competition, but we need to take stock of where competitiveness fails us. This desire to win may keep us from solving the most intractable problems facing our country, communities, and world.
When it comes to tense conversations about our political or religious convictions, we inevitably want people who we disagree with to cave in -- to admit that they’ve realized we are right. When we don’t get that validation, we become flustered. All-too-often these critical conversations break down, never to reoccur.
When I’ve felt this way in a tense conversation, I’ve learned to find the opportunity in this moment. When I want to win a debate, I have another choice. I can heal a divide. Instead of giving up or going for the jugular, I can keep the conversation going and humbly listen. When we do, it begins to thaw the ice. With some time, healing happens.
How can people be empathetic, even if there are differing viewpoints?
It’s really hard, but it’s a muscle that needs to be strengthened over time. We wouldn’t begin training for a marathon by setting out for a 26 mile run. We’d slowly build up the strength and stamina for it. It’s the same way with bridge-building conversations.
Social Scientist Jonathan Haidt suggests that the moral foundations behind our differing viewpoints are like taste receptors. While everyone has similar taste receptors on the tongue, to understand why someone likes Italian food and another likes Thai food, it helps to understand their background: their childhood, families, and culture. This is more difficult when the division is in the family, and we more-or-less have the same background. But even in families, there are different life experiences we can explore.
At the end of the day, it’s just healthier for us to be empathic instead of angry. Thich Nhat Hanh in The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching said, “If you nourish your hatred and your anger, you burn yourself. Understanding is the only way out. If you understand, you will suffer less, and you will know how to get to the root of injustice.”
What does a timer have to do with civil conversations?
A timer serves as a guardrail. If you’re like me, then you’ve caught yourself in a tense conversation preparing your response before the speaker is done talking. We can’t listen in that mode. There’s no way of healing division if the people we speak to do not feel truly heard. No matter how much we may disagree with someone, if we don’t listen first, then they will never listen to us. Two minutes per person of uninterrupted time allows us to relax and focus on listening, knowing that our uninterrupted time is right around the corner.
Why should people be aware that one conversation won't lead people to change?
The bridge-building process takes more than a day. We’ve got to be in this for the long haul. In my book I talk about the Sarvodaya Movement in Sri Lanka, whose leader authored a 500-year peace plan for his country. He said that the seeds of his country’s brutal civil war had been planted 500 years before and that it would take at least that much time to heal the country. I think we need to look at our history the same way. Our own civil war ended 150 years ago, but the wounds from it have not healed. Perhaps we are 150 years into our own 500-year peace plan.
It would be selfish of me to think that through one conversation I could mend hundreds of years of mistrust. Holding that high expectation would burn me out immediately. This has caused me to reassess what I can do in my lifetime to promote healing, realizing that I may not see all the fruits of my labor. If we stick with this work, we can help thaw the ice just a little. At this moment of our toxic, divisive culture, maybe that’s enough for now.
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J. Christopher Collins is the founder of the Different Together project at GLIDE Memorial Church in San Francisco, California. Chris is a native of Texas and a graduate of St. Edward's University in Austin and the Robert F. Wagner Graduate School for Public Service at N.Y.U. Chris has dedicated two decades in public service to promoting justice and equality in the U.S. Since 2017 and the start of Different Together, he has created opportunities for courageous conversations among people who don’t share the same views about politics, religion, equality, race or social class. Chris lives in San Francisco with his wife, Jen.
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