For any parent who has to go through the ordeal of a temper tantrum, it can leave you feeling drained, powerless and unsure of your own parenting abilities. People will offer you numerous solutions to the situation every parent dreads, and while there definitely isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach, there are certain techniques that will better equip you to deal with these situations.
Every child will have different triggers, but dysregulation is a big factor that causes misbehavior in many kids. This refers to the inability of a person to control emotional responses to external stimuli, which is even more challenging for children. Something as seemingly small as the pancake not being the right shape can cause a tantrum if the child is already tired, hungry and on the verge of dysregulation.
Traditional methods like “time outs” and ignoring tantrums are some of the worst tactics a parent could use. When we put a child in a time out and walk away we are essentially abandoning them in a time of deep need. And while the beginnings of a tantrum can bring you anxiety, especially if it’s in public, there is a simple process you can follow.
First, ensure everyone is safe. If your child is exhibiting behavior that could potentially hurt them or others, you must physically intervene. If a child is having a tantrum without any harmful behaviors, the first thing you do is show that you are there and not scared by their dysregulation. You can try to regulate the child by singing a calm down song, counting to ten, taking deep breaths, or even sitting close by and allowing the child to emote. Even singing a song is like a meditation tool because it brings calmness, familiarity and comfort.
Most importantly, you should never scold your child during a tantrum. Scolding your child during a tantrum is like saying “you’re in trouble for feeling however you’re feeling.” People often believe that a tantrum is deliberate, it’s not. It is the manifestation of a child’s emotions when they don’t have the tools in which to cope. Our job is to give them tools and we do so through modeling empathy and compassion in response to their emotions.
And when it comes to the dreaded public tantrum, don’t let the setting change the way you respond – tune everyone else out. If you are approaching a tantrum with confidence and conviction then people will actually admire that. If your child is really out of control and you show them love and compassion, no one is going to judge that. Even if you are carrying a kicking and screaming child, you have let your child (and everyone listening) know that you are in control and you’ve got this.
Crucially, a child exhibiting behavior that isn’t positive isn’t a “bad” child. It is a child having a hard time. Behavior that needs management is a cry for help. The best solution is supporting your child, letting them know there are emotions under those behaviors so they can recognize those emotions for next time. We are helping them connect emotions to more positive coping strategies. And remember that it’s okay to make mistakes, and understand there is a process to understanding your child’s emotional coping strategies. If you need to step away and tell your child you are having a hard time, this isn’t a “cop out”. This is actually really significant and lets a child know that it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes. If you “lose it” and yell, you can apologize and show your child that you too can struggle.
Sometimes tantrums worsen and escalate despite giving a child coping tools many times, it may mean that a child is in constant dysregulation (potential ADHD for example). However in most cases, understanding that tantrums and misbehavior is something that can be addressed with care and emotion rather than frustration or anger, can be a real game-changer in your parenting style and your child’s behavior.
Jennie Monness
Jennie Monness began her career in early childhood 12 years ago, after receiving her master’s degree from Teachers College, Columbia University. Her first job was teaching English to 18 to 24-month-old native Mandarin-speaking children, helping to prepare them for entrance to the most prestigious schools in NYC. She then became the educational director of several early childhood centers for eight years, creating programs that used research-based best practices. Additionally, she taught as an adjunct professor for Touro College undergraduate students obtaining their degree in Early Childhood Education.
About two years ago, Monness decided to take a decade’s worth of knowledge in early childhood education, and share her learnings with new parents to educate and empower them through her blog Mo' Mommies. She teaches classes, speaks at events, and uses social media to provide timely information about her own parenting and toy recommendations that new parents deeply need and desire. Her aim has been for moms to connect, support, and empower one another. She has co-founded a play space, Union Square Play, to bring these ideas to life through developmental, sensory, music and creative classes in addition to a thoughtful open play space. Her methods center around open-ended play materials and objects, so that babies can be engaged, rather than entertained, creating their own "curriculum" and learning in the most natural, innate way.
Due to COVID-19, she has launched USP Online to focus energy where parents need it most and now leads various virtual mom groups weekly. Additionally, she has created the content and curriculum in what was recently launched as the Union Square Play Packs, meant to support parents of children one to three years old with at-home sensory learning kits. Parents can choose to utilize them in smaller learning “pods”, as the boxes are meant to take the place of in person social experiences that young children are lacking right now, but also to complement those experiences once early learning centers like Union Square Play do reopen.
For more information on Union Square Play, please visit https://unionsquareplay.com/
Follow Union Square Play on Instagram @UnionSquarePlay
For more information on Mo’ Mommies, please visit https://momommies.com/
Follow Mo Mommies on Instagram @MoMommies
“Like” Mo Mommies on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/MoMommiesNoProblems/
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