We have all heard that whether your parents were your best friends or you barely knew them, your relationship with Mom and Dad had an impact on who you are today. But what if it went deeper than that. What if our stories begin long before we take our first breath?
Gina Birkemeier LPC in the recently released book, Generations Deep explores just that concept. She writes that our behaviors are passed on from generation to generation and that families find themselves repeating the same cycle over and over again both in a positive and negative way. She discusses also how we can break these cycles.
I had a chance to interview her to learn more.
Tell me about Generations Deep?
Well, I often say that Generations Deep was a book that was five years in the making- but really, it was a lifetime in the making. The book explores the idea that our stories begin long before we take our first breath.
Exploring four generations in my own family, I illustrate how dysfunction and trauma can be passed from one generation to the next, implicitly, and explicitly, and what we can do to break those cycles and rewrite our story through faith and therapy. It’s about being a cycle breaker and passing down a whole and healed legacy to the generations after us. The book helps readers understand and explore their own stories, and the stories of those who went before them, as they are reading my story and that of my ancestors.
What led you to write it?
So many reasons! A simple answer would be that I wanted to pass on what I have learned personally and professionally to help others heal and create healthy patterns in their own families. But there are more complex answers to that question, too.
As a therapist, helping people explore these ideas is common. I also help individuals challenge some misunderstandings as to what qualifies as traumatic and recognize how deep the roots of beliefs and behaviors can go in families -- making unhealthy patterns seem not only normal, but unrecognizable for the destructive forces they are. This can really make it difficult to break those cycles. The more I worked with individuals, the more I felt drawn to offer some of this work to people who I might never get the privilege of sitting with, eye to eye. I wanted to offer a resource on a broader scale that would be easily accessible, helpful to individuals and even to therapists. And, since we all learn well in the context of story, I decided to use my own journey through healing and the unhealthy patterns that rippled through my family to help people connect dots and to also see examples of what helps us heal.
There are questions and questionnaires throughout the book to help readers explore their own stories and those of their families -- including a questionnaire created with the help of more than sixty therapists specifically for my book.
Even though we explore challenging topics like Transgenerational Epigenetic Inheritance and different modalities of therapy, they are all presented in life-applicable ways. Of course, because it has been such a big part of my own story, as well as the stories of some of my clients and many others who contributed to the book, there is an additional component of how God might fit into the journey. It’s important to mention that I address how I struggled with this idea and how in many circles, we can do a lot of damage in His name.
How did your professional background play a role in the book?
There would have been some significant holes in connecting the science with the personal experience and also with the faith piece had it not been for the professional journey I’ve been on for nearly two decades. My career includes roles in counseling and in ministry, working not only with trauma, but specific populations such as single moms, women coming out of prison, domestic violence survivors, people struggling with addiction, survivors of sexual exploitation and trafficking and those seeking to address shame and rewrite their narrative. A big component of my work has, naturally, been related to intergenerational dysfunction and trauma, even within the populations mentioned here.
Why is it so important to recognize that a lot of our stories have their roots long before we born, in previous generations of our family?
I am a firm believer in the idea that what isn’t repaired gets repeated. This was true in my life and it’s true for my clients. Not to mention, as stated earlier, it can be a real challenge to recognize unhealthy patterns of belief and behavior if they have been normalized, and at times even celebrated, within your family system. With each repeated pattern, those dysfunctional and even traumatic experiences grow deeper and stronger roots. To prevent them from growing in our lives and into the next generation, we need to unearth them by their roots.
Do you believe this concept holds universally?
Yes. Universally but not unconditional in terms of how those influences play out.
Epigenetics and their influencers are universal. While we are all impacted by the generations that went before us, the way that those influences play out in our lives isn’t always the same. Particularly in terms of trauma. The way this shows up can be as different as the persons experiencing it. Coupled with the idea that our definition of trauma is often skewed- which makes it difficult to call our experiences what they really were -- traumatic.
Our misconceptions about the impact of the generations before us, specifically in terms of dysfunction and trauma, holds implications for the broader impact, culturally speaking, as well. Ideas about different groups of people -- gender roles, race, politics, religion -- are often the result of generational patterns of belief, behaviors and experiences. These can be far more implicit and covert than explicit and overt, making them harder to recognize, and at times, harder to correct. Particularly when a majority not only normalizes the behaviors, but also monetizes and/or even celebrates it.
The places that come to mind where I see this as holding true are in atrocities like slavery, human trafficking and the sexual exploitation of children and women. These are the types of behaviors and beliefs that must be confronted within ourselves and within society if we are to become more inclusive and compassionate toward those who don’t look/act/believe the same as us.
When we are speaking of individuals, the impact of the generations before us doesn’t always show up in big, bold ways. Which can make recognizing the impact a challenge. Another reason for the difference is resilience. Resilience is something else that can be passed down from one generation to the next. However, resiliency can also be learned, or taught, in the case of nurturing relationships and experiences that help us sort of “go back and heal” those places within us that were wounded. In the book, I talk about Emotionally Corrective Experiences, which are experiences that play a part in building our resilience and ability to heal and change. Which is a really beautiful example of how we are designed for healing, and yet another place where we see how epigenetics can be influenced; how change is possible. It’s one of the main points in my book, and a huge motivator in writing it. I am firm believer that we can rewrite our stories, and help write healthier stories for the generations after us.
I often say that Generations Deep is sort of my “battle cry” to moms and dads and really, to all people. It’s my strong encouragement to the reader to first, recognize their inherited vulnerabilities in terms of unhealthy and unhelpful behaviors and beliefs, and second, work to heal and grow beyond them to create a life of freedom and wholeness. That is the legacy we want to pass on.
If there are negative patterns that follow families through the generations, how is this cycle broken?
Great question! Although I’m not sure we have enough space here to give the answer in its entirety. In short, I would say it starts with a willingness to admit that things aren’t working in our lives. Then a willingness to take a look at what it is that isn’t working. This often requires help in one form or another. And I’m always a fan of finding a good therapist to help with this. Learning about patterns that have permeated throughout our families is helpful, but knowledge is only effective when it’s combined with action. That is what creates change. I want to give a warning here -- as soon as you begin to examine your own story and what isn’t working and where you can see that change would be helpful, shame will attempt to swoop in and shut you down. Don’t fall for it. It’s a trap. Instead, have grace for yourself in the process. You won’t be able to get through it without grace.
Is it possible to break the cycle of negative traits while retaining positive ones?
Oh my goodness, yes! I would go so far to say that rehearsing the good traits can actually help in breaking the negative patterns. It helps remind us what we are capable of. And if it’s a positive trait that was inherited from the generations before us -- even better! It is important to recognize those, as well.
How do you want the reader to approach Generations Deep when reading it?
As I mentioned before, with grace for themselves. With patience and with hope. The goal isn’t to look at the generations before us (or even at ourselves, for that matter) in order to point sharp fingers of blame. It is to gain understanding, to examine what has had an unhealthy and unhelpful impact on us and how we can go about the business of owning it’ changing, healing and growing beyond it.
How can readers learn more about you?
There are a few places they can do that. They can check out www.GenerationsDeep.com for more on my book Generations Deep: Unmasking Inherited Dysfunction and Trauma to Rewrite Our Stories Through Faith and Therapy.
They can also check out my website at www.ItsMyOutLoudVoice.com for articles and other suggested readings and resources.
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