Article originally posted at Little Sunshine - reposted with permission.
“Are we there yet?”
“Can we leave yet?”
“What’s taking so long?”
“Are we done?”
“Are we there yet?
“Are we there yet?”
“Are we there yet?”
If all of that made your blood pressure rise, you’re probably a parent.
Patience is a virtue … which is a nice way of saying it isn’t something human beings are naturally good at. It takes a lifetime to develop. While toddlers and preschoolers certainly aren’t going to like the process of practicing patience, doing so prepares them for the rest of their life.
Again, remember: Kids are not going to be good at this nor will they like it. But let’s be honest, no one does! Waiting in traffic, the line at the grocery store, or on-hold with the customer service rep can fill any adult with impatient rage. The goal is not to teach our kids never to be impatient. The goal is to teach them how to deal with that impatience constructively and with as much kindness as possible.
Why Is It So Hard to Wait?
Parents of toddlers and preschoolers have all been there...Why is it so hard for them to wait on us?
One reason is because a child’s life is, to them, about you being there. The conversation you’re trying to have, the chore you’re trying to complete, or the book you’re trying to read is pulling you away from them. “It’s not a threat, but it’s unsettling,” Pamela Cole, a professor of psychology at Penn State University, told Greater Good Magazine. “It’s not conscious, but they’re always motivated to maintain the connection.”
And, like most things when it comes to kids, their brains are still developing. Things that we take for granted as adults — sleeping, eating, or <gasp> sharing — are learned things. Patience certainly falls under the umbrella of “learned skill.” As ironic as it may sound, remember to have lots of patience while teaching patience.
Strategies for Patience
Here are a handful of suggestions for you to consider as you navigate this journey with your children.
Be their role model – Like everything else, children will look to their parents to see how they handle situations. (No pressure, right?) Patience is something most human beings struggle with, whether they are 2 or 92. While you certainly shouldn’t expect perfection from yourself, here are some tips on how you can model patience for your kids.
Wait together! Admit that you are having to exercise patience in the moment, too. Teach them how you wait on things by chatting, playing little games in your head, or sitting quietly.
Use reflective listening, which is a fancy term for helping your child express their feelings. Even at 5 years old, a child may not understand what it is they are feeling. The next time you see your child struggling with impatience, say something like, "I know it's hard, but you're doing a great job waiting."
Slow down. Take a minute and exercise some patience yourself. Working at an adult pace can be overwhelming for your child. Going slower instead of rushing them helps them learn patience and doesn’t teach them to give up when they feel rushed or that they aren’t doing a task correctly.
Be honest when you’re impatient. Let’s face it … parents should get used to apologizing to their kids. Mistakes are a part of life! Giving your child an example of what impatience looks like could be valuable to them. It also shows that you hold yourself to the same standards as you hold them.
Use concrete language – We all know that the phrase “give me one second” doesn’t mean the person talking will be done in a literal second … but does your child?
Just like when we get frustrated when someone is vague about how long they’ll keep us waiting, kids get upset when they don’t know how long they have to be patient. Tell them how long they’ll have to wait and what has to happen first. For example: “I need to finish this phone call before we can play. I will be done when the clock over there says 1:30.”
If there are predictable rules you can make about waiting, do so. Again, give them a definite beginning and end. For example: “When we’re at the store, I need you to sit in the cart and not ask questions from the time I start talking to the person behind the counter until all of the groceries are loaded into the cart.”
Tips by age – It’s impossible for infants to understand the concept of patience. As children grow, so can a parent’s expectation for how long they can wait for things. (Remember, these are guidelines. Just because your four-year-old isn’t responding to the advice on four-year-olds doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them or you.)
Two years old
Two-year-olds are notoriously opinionated. The quickest route to a tantrum is to ask them to wait for something. At this stage, the goal isn’t to turn them into masters of patience. Start SLOW. One of the best ways to do that is through belly breathing. Whenever they get upset over having to wait, help them calm down and take five deep breaths. Connecting the idea of slowing down and being calm through deep breaths will help them manage being patient in the future.
Three years old and up
At 3 years old, kids finally start to have a concept of the future. It’s not a great understanding, but they get the idea that not everything happens instantly. Keep working on that deep breathing to help them calm down and work through having to wait for things.
At 4 years old, help your child wait by encouraging them to distract themselves. Ask them to color, read a book, or play with a favorite toy while you finish up what you’re doing. Setting a timer has proven very useful for families, too.
Finally, at age 5, children begin to develop the ability to consider another person’s perspective. This understanding grows as they do into adulthood. Don’t expect them to fully empathize with others at 5. Think about some of the people you know and remember that some never stretch these muscles even as adults
Neurodiverse children
All of the advice offered so far is for neurotypical children. If you’re the parent of a neurodiverse child — one who has autism, is on the spectrum, has ADHD, or has other developmental differences — these tips may not be effective or work at all. Check out the resources at Autism Speaks or the CDC for advice that may help you more.
Books on Patience
Here is a list of children's books suited for kids ages 2 to 5 that help them understand the concept of patience.
“Llama, Llama Red Pajama” – Anna Dewdney
“Waiting” – Kevin Henkes
“Bear Can't Wait” – Karma Wilson
“I'll Wait, Mr. Panda” – Steve Antony
“The Carrot Seed” – Ruth Krauss
“Bilal Cooks Daal” – Aisha Saeed
“Waiting Is Not Easy” – Mo Willems
“Waiting Is Not Forever // La Espera No Dura Para Siempre” – Elizabeth Verdick
“If You Want to See a Whale” – Julie Fogliano
“The Very Impatient Caterpillar” – Ross Burach
“The Magical Yet” – Angela DiTerlizzi
“Five Minutes” – Liz Garton Scanlon & Audrey Vernick
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