Although the isolation imposed as a means of containing Covid 19 exacerbates multiple public health and social justice issues, one in particular directly impacts both the heath and safety of women in every community across all walks of life throughout our entire country. Domestic abuse (also known as domestic violence, relationship violence/abuse, and intimated partner violence/abuse) affects at least 25% of the women in the U.S, in addition to countless cases that go unreported. As isolation is one of the key tactics used by abusers to gain control over their partners, domestic abuse advocates are increasingly concerned about the impact of the quarantine and “shelter at home” measures on women who are trapped in abusive relationships.
Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. This can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence the partner. The following behaviors are included in this definition: intimidation, manipulation, humiliation, isolation, frightening, terrorizing, coercing, threatening, blaming, hurting, injuring, or wounding.
Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) affects millions of people in the United States each year. In fact, data from CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS) indicate, “1 in 4 experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner and reported some form of intimate partner violence-related impact.”
This data is based on reports of violence. In light of the shame and secrecy often associated with domestic abuse, the incidents that go unreported are significant, not only in number but severity. If only one woman suffers in silence for every woman that has the courage to come forward, that would mean that 50% of the women in the U.S. have been victims of this insidious injustice. The current pandemic is creating obstacles for women to seek and receive help and support.
In spite of the prevalence and growing awareness of the disempowerment of women in our society, domestic abuse often goes unrecognized by the woman herself, as well as close friends and family. Many women realize something is wrong—they know they are suffering—but don’t understand the cause. Partners of abusers suffer fear and anxiety, and may not even define such feelings as a problem that is caused by the controlling behavior of their mate. The current Covid crisis is increasing time spent with domestic partners, and as a result, escaping the power and control tactics of an abuser, and the subsequent emotional and psychological assault, may seem hopeless and result in more severe consequences and less opportunities for escape.
Knowing the signs of domestic abuse can enable victims, as well as their friends and family, to identify when help is needed. Emotional abuse, at times accomplished wordlessly by a look, a gesture, or a silence, often displays few signs that are detectable to an outsider, as opposed to the more obvious, yet desperately hidden signs, bruises, broken bones, and bloody wounds of physical abuse.
For your own sake, as well as your friends and family, be aware of the behavioral and emotional signs that may indicate an abusive relationship. The following are actions that are often used by abusive partners to gain control and are signs that you or a loved one may be in an abusive relationship:
· He is disrespectful toward you in any way. He puts you down, blames you, diminishes your opinions, or is rude to you in front of other people or in private. During the pandemic, this may be amplified due to continued close proximity to one another.
· His controlling behaviors show a progression. This usually begins subtlety with negative comments, pressure to spend more time with him, too much advice, and appearing bothered that you don’t share his opinions. This progresses on to a shifting of the power balance in the relationship where he starts to control decisions, activities, resources, social contacts, etc. During the isolated time together of the pandemic, this progression may escalate.
· He is possessive. Possessiveness masquerades as love by means of constant contact, protecting you, or offering a sense of security. This often feels comforting and is disguised as intimacy, but is really an attempt to establish ownership and control. We may feel vulnerable during the pandemic and this possessiveness may temporarily feel reassuring, but take notice if it starts to feel overbearing or confining.
· He intimidates you when he’s angry. Intimidation is a sign that emotional abuse is imminent or underway, and physical abuse may not be far behind. It is especially difficult to get away from intimidators. Do not underestimate how hard it is to free yourself from someone who has become purposefully frightening, especially if you have been conditioned to fear anger or associate anger with loss of love. If you want to get away, options of places to go may be limited during the pandemic, so early detection may prevent you from being stranded in an anxiety-producing or even dangerous environment.
· Nothing is ever his fault. You and other parties or groups are the target of his blame. He eschews responsibility and accountability for his actions. During the pandemic, with few other targets to blame, you may become the likely candidate.
· He is self-centered. He does most of the talking, listens poorly, and consistently shifts the conversation back to him. Decision-making is driven by his desires and preferences, except when he makes a display of doing something for you in order to elevate his image in your eyes. Be aware of health and safety guidelines for Covid and notice if he pressures you to do things that are dangerous or not recommended in order to meet his needs.
· He appears to be attracted to vulnerability or neediness. He prefers women, and other friends, who look up to him, or rather, whom he perceives as weaker or inferior to him. Feelings of vulnerability during the pandemic may increase your susceptibility to and his desire for power and control.
· His family displays abusive behaviors and attitudes and he does not appear to have renounced their conduct or made efforts to make a different life for himself. Due to the need to limit outside contacts, you may end up spending even more time with his family and therefore lack the support of your own social network.
· He justifies his hurtful or frightening acts by saying that you “made him do it.” He not only blames you, but tries to get you to blame yourself. He tries to make you responsible for his harmful behavior. He might also refuse to give up his abusive behavior unless you give up something that annoys him. This is manipulation by tricking you into surrendering your rights in order to avoid further harm.
· He tells you how to think or feel. No one has the right to tell you what you are thinking or feeling or how you should think or feel, nor does anyone have the right to argue against your experiences. Any attempt to control your thoughts, ideas, and feelings is inexcusably controlling and is abusive.
· He touches you in anger or causes you fear or distress in other ways. Physical aggression is abuse, even if it happens only once or falls short of harmful bodily contact. Such behavior includes restraining your movement, blocking your way, thrusting a finger or fist in your face, poking you, or patting you too hard or in a delicate area. Any physical contact when he is displaying anger is intimidating and abusive. He is creating fear and using your need for physical freedom and safety as a way to control you. Physical aggression and intimidation are frightening, create power over you, and affect your ability to make choices and manage your life. If you notice such behavior, start thinking about where you might go if you need to leave—it may be more difficult to find a place during the pandemic, so again plan ahead.
· His controlling, disrespectful, or degrading behavior forms a pattern. Recurrence of any of the behaviors or combination of behaviors that are abusive is an indicator that you are in an abusive relationship, especially if you notice yourself changing your behavior to avoid his hurtful and intimidating actions.
· Isolation is the primary tool that enables all the other abusive behaviors, which makes the pandemic such a dangerous and imprisoning time for partners of abusers. Even in prison, “isolation” is considered to be the most dreaded of all punishment. It breaks your spirit. It destroys your mind. It withers your heart. Isolation is often the most observable sign of abuse to an outsider. Since it is so characteristic of an abusive relationship, it is a good indicator that friends and family can use to help determine if their loved one is potentially suffering in such a situation. It is sometimes the only observable clue to the true nature someone’s domestic circumstances, but in the context of a pandemic it is even more difficult to identity as abuse. A friend or family member gradually withdrawing from relationships and offering unconvincing excuses for declining invitations is a warning sign that something could be wrong. But in a pandemic, we are all limiting our contact with the outside world. We must now be far more observant and diligent in assessing the safety of our friends and family, as well as ourselves.
Assessing whether or not you are in an abusive relationship requires making a judgement and trusting your own instincts. Your ability to trust your own perceptions may have already been diminished through tactics that have gone undetected as efforts to control you. The old standby is a good indicator—what does your gut tell you? Do you have an unsettling feeling? Do you feel uneasy when he is home and relief when you are away from him? Do you get that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is wrong, but you don’t know what? Listen to what your feelings and your body are trying to tell you. Your assessment of your own feelings may be the most accurate indicator of what is happening in the relationship.
Try your best to maintain connections to your own support network, as it is far easier to disentangle yourself before your social support has dwindled away. With quarantines and sheltering-at-home we are at-risk for losing contact with our friends and family. Knowing the signs and trusting your judgment can lead to early detection of an abusive relationship. Be mindful and know that help is available. The first step is knowledge and awareness that there is a problem.
Clare Alden is an educator, writer, visual artist, and mother. Having earned a Master’s degree from an Ivy League university, raised a son, and survived relationship abuse, she is a committed advocate who believes in the power of education to fuel social change and to advance the lives of girls and women. Books have changed her life by empowering her to speak her truth, own her story, and live her best life. She hopes her writing will do the same for you. Additional information can be found at https://www.clarealden.com/
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