I recently did a website spotlight for Avail, and did an interview along with the post. I decided to split it up into two posts and give the interview its own post because I felt the depth of the answers were worthy of their own post.
Jenn Ciplet, Avail Divorce founder and Certified Divorce Coach
You created this platform for a better divorce experience than you had - can you share a little bit about that?
For me, when my divorce began in 2018, I had no idea where to go for help. I wanted to get divorced as quickly and inexpensively as possible, and with true care for my then-husband. He was hurting, I was hurting, I did not want a lot of conflict. I wanted us to have a divorce with integrity where we were good people to each other.
I had in my head that lawyers are what people get when their divorce is really high conflict, and our divorce was rather amicable, so we didn’t hire lawyers right away. We hired a mediator who ended up not being able to help us move forward at all and costing a lot of money.
I did not understand the way divorce laws worked.
I did not understand what I would have to actually do in the “business” of getting divorced.
I didn’t know the process for figuring out if one of us could keep the house, or, if one of us moved out, do we split the cost of that? Or not?
I didn’t know how to create a parenting plan, or what I should consider to do that well.
I didn’t understand anything about how child support and alimony worked.
I didn’t know how our assets and debts would be split up, according to the law in my state.
There were a million things I didn’t know, because I had never been divorced before. Right at the time when my entire world was being turned upside down, when I was in acute emotional pain and stressed out from housing and financial worries, trying to still be a stable and good parent to my kids, and struggling with my grief, I also needed to learn how to manage a pretty overwhelming legal process with long-term consequences.
I felt so alone. The vast majority of my friends were married people, so I didn’t know where to turn except for our neutral mediator who (I now know) was not able to advise me because her role was to be “neutral.” Things improved once I hired an attorney, but at nearly $300 an hour the fees add up so quickly. I thought, there HAS to be a better way to support people with an encouraging community of divorced people, and reliable, trustworthy articles, webinars and information that can assist people like me in demystifying the divorce process. The more divorcing people can learn about the divorce process themselves, from TRUSTED sources like Avail Divorce, the less attorney hours they’ll need to engage. I realized I could help build this: a way for people to feel more empowered in their divorce processes, and self-educated about the process itself. I also knew people would benefit from feeling less alone.
My co-founder Nate Zorich and I created Avail to provide the answers to the questions we had during our divorces, but didn’t have access to. I wish I had the articles, tips, tools, and downloadable resources that Avail Divorce provides to its members. I also wish I had hired a Certified Divorce Coach first (which Nate and I are both certified to do now). A Certified Divorce Coach is an excellent partner and advocate in the divorce process, and can really help you see the “big picture” of your divorce process, so that you understand what things you need to get organized, make decisions about, anticipate, and troubleshoot. A divorce coach doesn’t replace a lawyer, but is a great, less-costly-per-hour option to help you get clear on the process ahead of you, lessen the overwhelm, and help you walk through each step in your process with a sounding board and knowledgeable cheerleader.
Why is it important for couples to have support through the divorce process?
The truth is, it’s a terribly scary, painful time. When we get married, we just sign a paper and wah-la! We are legally married. Getting legally divorced is a whole different story. The division of assets and debts is a negotiation process that is different in every state, and open to interpretation under the law in every case. The ways that parental responsibilities (custody) and ongoing financial support mechanisms like child support and alimony (also called maintenance in some states) is a lot to figure out. And the stakes are high. Getting a parenting plan that you don’t like via a legal contract can be a big mistake. People get defensive, they get suspicious of their ex, and dig their heels in during divorce because the process itself, once the enormity of what you have to figure out legally in order to get divorced, is revealed. Each person feels raw, and exposed. The path forward is unclear and hard to even know how to approach.
With the right community of support, access to reliable information, and with an effective Certified Divorce Coach, people can calm their overwhelmed minds and nervous systems and tackle the divorce process step by step. They can make wise decisions about what to do first, then second, then third in their process. They can make better decisions about what kind of legal team to employ, once they understand all the options and what the pros and cons are in their own particular divorce. The emotional support of having a community of divorced people to ask questions to, and to lean on during this time, is so valuable. When you’re feeling lost and overwhelmed in the dark, it helps to have a friend with a flashlight, and another friend to remind you you’re going to get out of the dark and be okay.
Assuming that it's safe to maintain a relationship post-divorce, why can it be beneficial to still maintain a relationship with an ex-spouse?
When a divorcing couple has children, then there is almost always going to be a relationship. In fact, it’s a mistaken belief that a divorce “ends” a family. Rather, the family transitions from being a married, all-in-one-household family to being a divorced, two household family. (This, of course, assumes that there’s no abuse or safety issues and that both parents are going to have some degree of shared parenting responsibilities, whether 50/50% with the kids, or 70/30% time with the kids, or another shared time configuration.)
In divorce when you share children, your coparenting relationship becomes extremely important to do well. So the way that a couple transitions from being married to being co-parents is both emotionally and logistically complicated, but also possible to do well with the right information and support. Studies have shown that children thrive in families where they are not subject to high conflict or tension. This is true for children of married parents and children of divorced parents. It’s important for divorcing parents, who are transitioning to a coparenting relationship, to be mindful of keeping the well-being of the children at the center. Avail Divorce has some wonderful resources about coparenting, including a webinar we recently did with child psychotherapist Sanam Pejuhesh entitled “The Do’s and Dont’s of Telling Your Kids You’re Getting a Divorce.”
What many people don’t realize is that getting divorced, when children are involved, doesn’t end, ruin, or break your family. Your family just changes. How the two divorcing adults manage this change and adapt to the new structure of their divorced family will impact their kids for the short and long term. To the kids, their divorced parents will always be their family. It’s wise for the adults to think of it this way, too.
That said, boundaries become very important. It can be difficult to set boundaries with an ex spouse and keep communication focused on your new relationship: one of being co-parents. Avail has great tips on how to learn, grow and maintain healthy (and often new!) boundaries during and after divorce, during the transition from being a married family to being a co-parenting, divorced family.
Obviously there are situations where maintaining a relationship isn't possible or safe; how can people allow themselves to grieve the loss of the relationship?
In situations where you don’t have kids, or you aren’t going to share parenting responsibilities with your ex for any number of reasons, the idea of being completely untethered to this person you once loved can feel deeply ungrounding. Grieving the loss of your marriage - of all the ideas you had about how your marriage would be, your hopes and dreams that you had for how your family would grow and evolve together - it’s a huge loss. The grieving process takes time. There’s no rushing it. The 5 stages of grief - denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance - are not linear. They happen in a messy pattern, and often come around more than once. Avail Divorce helps people with the grieving process in a few ways. First, we have a strong community of divorced and divorcing people who help lift each other up, feel less alone, and model what life looks like “on the other side” of the acute moments of grief. Second, we provide the option of hiring a Certified Divorce Coach to help you focus forward on creating new dreams and goals, for looking ahead to the future you want to build now for yourself, even as you grieve the idea of the marriage that you wanted, but ultimately didn’t have. And third, we have articles and tools about the grieving process, so that you can understand, self-reflect and start to recognize, “Oh! This is why I am doing this bargaining behavior! Aha! It’s part of my grief.” Sometimes, learning about why we are feeling or acting a certain way can help us feel less isolated or “crazy’. Grief is, in fact, a universal human emotion. It’s completely normal to feel it deeply when something as significant as a marriage ends.
Avail Divorce website and mobile app were created by Certified Divorce Coaches Nathan Zorich and Jennifer Ciplet to help people survive and thrive through one of life’s hardest periods, divorce. Avail Divorce features supportive community forums; articles and checklists from lawyers, financial advisors, mental health experts, certified divorce coaches, and other professionals; divorce coaching and more.
Ciplet and Zorich will also be launching a co-parenting app June 7, 2021, featuring scheduling coordination, vital information storage like health insurance cards and social security numbers, expense reporting, photo and video sharing capabilities, and more.
For more information about Avail Divorce, visit availdivorce.com, and follow them on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
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