“I want to control my aging parents, but I think I’m going to lose this battle.”
According to aging expert Amy O’Rourke, author of The Fragile Years and a professional care manager with 40 years of experience, this very statement, quoted in a Wall Street Journal story is made by countless adults who long to protect their aging parents from all sorts of potential dangers, such as socializing during COVID, driving when their eyesight and reflexes are not what they used to be.
Most often, Amy sees that when adult children try to control their parents’ behavior, their efforts are met by resistance because their parents fear help is a sign that the end of life is approaching and that they’re no longer in control.
But when is—or isn’t— stepping in the right thing to do?
Amy believes that it’s best for adult children to give up any thought of “controlling” their aging parents, even if this means allowing them to make bad decisions. Trying to control them will ultimately prove futile. Instead, she recommends helping older parents feel more comfortable with assistance, and offers 6 steps for making the process go more smoothly. These include:
- Get involved early in the game.
- Avoid using the tone of voice you would with a child.
- Proceed slowly.
- Lighten your own emotional baggage.
Why is it important for adults to learn the balance between helping make decisions and trying to exert too much control over their aging parents?
The truth is, parents in what I call the “Fragile Years” do need help and it takes time for them to realize the help they need. Then, there is a process of learning how to accept it. Everyone has their own way of processing this. And some people don’t accept help until there is a crisis and there is no choice but to accept help.
When adult children step in with the idea that they are going to “tell the parent what to do,” they run the risk of alienating the parent. When this happens, the parent often shuts down and won’t communicate at all with their children. Or, they will politely nod their heads, and when the child leaves, they do what they want to do.
It’s important in this stage to listen carefully to what is important to the parent, and to help with one or two things the parent feels is important. Maybe they will accept housekeeping assistance once every other week, a meal you bring over, mowing their lawn, or hiring someone to mow it for them. Or, maybe you go to their place of worship with them instead of them driving on their own.
When a parent needs care - i.e. someone to help cook, bathe, dress - and you haven’t started with small steps, it’ll be a big step to tackle right out of the gate. Accepting help in the home is a HUGE letting go for the parent. It is the physical sign that life will never be the same. The children think, won’t this be great! Someone to cook for you and clean and do your laundry. Meanwhile, the parent is experiencing this as the beginning of the end. It’s important that this step is not taken lightly. It has HUGE meaning for the older adult.
Think of the time your child turned 18 and left to start their own life - moving out of the house, going to college, joining the military, etc. The child is looking at the parent like: “Why are you so upset? Isn’t this exciting?” And you are grieving the end of an era.
Keep in mind, the need for help is a loss: loss of independence, loss of home, spouse. And, with loss, there are stages that people go through that mirror the stages of grief. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, sadness and acceptance.
The adult child is going through these stages too; and when the adult child and parent are in different stages of grief, they often collide. (Adult child is in the anger stage while the parent is in the denial “what’s your problem?” stage)
How does getting involved early help make things go more smoothly?
You have to crawl before you can walk and walk before you can run. Starting early allows the adult children to learn how their parent(s) approaches change, and who the people are in their world that you need to get to know. It also builds trust that you are going to be there for the duration and won’t have such a steep learning curve.
There is a lot to learn: who they are, what their normal day-to-day routine is, how much time it takes them to do daily things such as: getting ready for the day, eating, getting ready for bed, moving from place to place. You also need to learn who their doctors are, and make sure their doctors know who you are. Get to know more of their specific relationships as well, including: their friends at church, their Meals On Wheels volunteer, their friends around the neighborhood - maybe their banker or grocery store cashier. And learn how to communicate with them, and learn their pain points.
Stepping in only near their end of life will only send a message that their end is near, so involve yourself early with the intention of making the process easier for you and your aging parent. I have heard many times with clients: my son is here, he must think I’m about to die as he never visits.
When a parent dies, the people in their lives will become an invaluable comfort for the adult children after the death.
What are some signs that aging parents need some assistance in making decisions?
Unpaid bills, unexplained dents in the car, expired food or no food in the refrigerator. Weight loss or gain. Over dependence on one person that you may or may not know. How they are walking, wobbly, shaky--maybe they keep falling.
Have they stopped going places because of their inability to control going to the bathroom?
Power is turned off. Trouble with the remote control.
How fast is your parent moving physically and mentally? This is a great way to observe--how long does it take for them to get in and out of the car compared to last year?
I remember walking with my dad across the football field at his granddaughters graduation and he turned to my sister and said, “I can’t make it”. It’s too far to walk.
Why is it important for people to lighten their own emotional baggage before assisting aging parents?
I remember a son telling me about how his mother mistreated and abandoned him when he was a teenager. I felt surprised at this information as he was calm and kind towards his mother for the three years I worked with them. He told me, and I will never forget it: I processed my childhood a long time ago and have laid it to rest. She did the best she could with what she had and now I am going to make sure she gets what she needs. He said, I can’t say I feel a lot of love for her; I don’t. But, I don’t hate her and I feel no anger towards her.
We were able to work together with no large emotions for him to process as we helped her.
I often recommend that clients seek outside help from friends, counselors, church/temple leaders, etc, to resolve some childhood issues as unsupported and unprocessed emotions can seriously impede successful communication with the parents. And, quite often, the parent is the last one that is going to help their child by “approving of them” or giving them what they had always wanted as a child.
I remember one daughter marching into the nursing home to “deal” with her father and he was actively dying. His eyes were vacant, he had gone inward and she was left with having to process what her expectations were on that visit. She was unable to really be with him as he was dying because she hadn’t processed her feelings about him as her father.
About Amy:
Amy Cameron O’Rourke is a nationally-known pioneer and advocate for senior care in the U.S. A professional care manager with over 40 years of experience, she is founder and president of The Cameron Group: Aging Life Care Services in Orlando, Florida and author of The Fragile Years.
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